Thursday Morning Meanderings

Wally, my precious puppy on good days - the holy terror on bad ones, wakes me up at 6am every morning. Most mornings I try, in vain, to get another hour of sleep with him in bed with me. Generally, this results in him gnawing at my hands, nose, hair, cats - basically anything but what he should be chewing.

So this morning I decided to make some use of my extra morning time. I got up, worked out (30:00 on the treadmill - walk/jog mix) and did some yoga poses to Sunrise Earth. Of course, I am not sure that yoga was meant to be practiced with a dog either in your lap chewing a stick or nipping at your hair while you are in the downward dog. However, it was relaxing. The result? I arrived at work, feeling centered, rested, calm.

I spent the time getting ready contemplating some different things. First, I realized that people - men and women alike - generally like me, really like me - whether I'm fat, thin, dressed well, etc. This sometimes pops into my head as some sort of revelation - though it should not be. I should know this. But with the ringing endorsements of J and S in my head it can be hard to hear the truth.

Looking back at those two relationships it shocks me at how similar those two men were in how they treated me. J told me, at various times in our relationship, that he was the only man who could ever love me. That no one else would put up with me and my crap (though I am not sure exactly what crap he was referring to - but I have the imagination to fill in those blanks on my own). S once said to me, and I'm paraphrasing but I think I'm damned close to the actual words b/c it is hard to forget something like this, "I am the person who knows you best in the whole world and I think you are a miserable human being." Wow. If that doesn't make you think twice about yourself, I am not sure what will.

The truth is, and I don't always see it as clearly as I did this morning, the things these men said to me have more to do with them than they have to do with me. Both men said those things b/c THEY got something out of it. Perhaps it was my reaction. Perhaps it was the ability to control me for a while longer. I don't know. But what I do know is that I need to stop running these comments through my head. I don't always, but on bad days I do.

Take care, dear reader. I'm me.

Pushy, pushy, pushy

It has occurred to me that I am always pushing forward towards something (or away from something).

I get antsy if I don't have my weekend plans set in stone by Wednesday. Even if my plan for the weekend is to do nothing - I need to know that several days ahead of time or I get antsy. This does not mean that I am married to my plans - I can be very adaptive. I just have to have plans.

I think this relates to my life in a pretty basic way. I'm pushing, pushing, pushing for a relationship. I really want one. I want someone in my life to care about and who will care about me in return. I have so much to give someone and I want, want, want.

My therapist asked me if I was always this way - pushing forward. I thought and had to answer her - yes. I have always been pushing. And I have to tell you, it is exhausting. And I know it is exhausting for those around me (because my mother has told me so!).

So, maybe it is time to stop pushing. Maybe it is time to wait for the world to come to me in some ways. To try and live in the present a little more and worry less about what I'm doing tomorrow. Live in my relationships (male and female) as they exist right now and not try to turn them into anything. Just wait for some kind of natural evolution.

I am not hopeful that I will be very good at this. But I am going to try. Really try.

And today feels good. But I can feel my insides pushing. But now my mind is pushing back.

Take care, dear readers.

I'm Baaaaaaack!

I considered giving up on blogging forever. Really, I did.

But I enjoy it. And it is the one constructive thing that I am really doing with my life right now and I look forward to it. So I continue.

The past two months I have been trying to reset my life. Yes, I've been doing that for the last year and a half but now things are different. I want to live a more sober, more responsible life.

That sounds very easy. It is not.

My life for the last thirteen/fourteen years has revolved around having a husband and, to some extent, drinking.

To change your life so dramatically is hard. I sat in my therapists' office and she asked me what I enjoyed doing. I wasn't sure. I didn't know.

So, I need to develop some hobbies. Some productive hobbies. I need to continue decreasing my alcohol consumption. I need to work out and lose some weight.

And, I have decided, I need to write.

So off we go - on another journey.

Take care, dear readers.