Pushy, pushy, pushy

It has occurred to me that I am always pushing forward towards something (or away from something).

I get antsy if I don't have my weekend plans set in stone by Wednesday. Even if my plan for the weekend is to do nothing - I need to know that several days ahead of time or I get antsy. This does not mean that I am married to my plans - I can be very adaptive. I just have to have plans.

I think this relates to my life in a pretty basic way. I'm pushing, pushing, pushing for a relationship. I really want one. I want someone in my life to care about and who will care about me in return. I have so much to give someone and I want, want, want.

My therapist asked me if I was always this way - pushing forward. I thought and had to answer her - yes. I have always been pushing. And I have to tell you, it is exhausting. And I know it is exhausting for those around me (because my mother has told me so!).

So, maybe it is time to stop pushing. Maybe it is time to wait for the world to come to me in some ways. To try and live in the present a little more and worry less about what I'm doing tomorrow. Live in my relationships (male and female) as they exist right now and not try to turn them into anything. Just wait for some kind of natural evolution.

I am not hopeful that I will be very good at this. But I am going to try. Really try.

And today feels good. But I can feel my insides pushing. But now my mind is pushing back.

Take care, dear readers.