Wally, my precious puppy on good days - the holy terror on bad ones, wakes me up at 6am every morning. Most mornings I try, in vain, to get another hour of sleep with him in bed with me. Generally, this results in him gnawing at my hands, nose, hair, cats - basically anything but what he should be chewing.
So this morning I decided to make some use of my extra morning time. I got up, worked out (30:00 on the treadmill - walk/jog mix) and did some yoga poses to Sunrise Earth. Of course, I am not sure that yoga was meant to be practiced with a dog either in your lap chewing a stick or nipping at your hair while you are in the downward dog. However, it was relaxing. The result? I arrived at work, feeling centered, rested, calm.
I spent the time getting ready contemplating some different things. First, I realized that people - men and women alike - generally like me, really like me - whether I'm fat, thin, dressed well, etc. This sometimes pops into my head as some sort of revelation - though it should not be. I should know this. But with the ringing endorsements of J and S in my head it can be hard to hear the truth.
Looking back at those two relationships it shocks me at how similar those two men were in how they treated me. J told me, at various times in our relationship, that he was the only man who could ever love me. That no one else would put up with me and my crap (though I am not sure exactly what crap he was referring to - but I have the imagination to fill in those blanks on my own). S once said to me, and I'm paraphrasing but I think I'm damned close to the actual words b/c it is hard to forget something like this, "I am the person who knows you best in the whole world and I think you are a miserable human being." Wow. If that doesn't make you think twice about yourself, I am not sure what will.
The truth is, and I don't always see it as clearly as I did this morning, the things these men said to me have more to do with them than they have to do with me. Both men said those things b/c THEY got something out of it. Perhaps it was my reaction. Perhaps it was the ability to control me for a while longer. I don't know. But what I do know is that I need to stop running these comments through my head. I don't always, but on bad days I do.
Take care, dear reader. I'm me.
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2 comments:
It is clear to me that neither of these men actually knew you. Men do not like challenging women. Your intelligence, beauty and strong will were threatening to their poorly developed egos.
The fact that TWO men said it only highlights that you are choosing similarly anxious men; it is no proof that they are right.
BRILLIANT insight. I never really looked at it that way.
The next question is what is it that I'm getting out of choosing men like this?
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