Working Through the Grammar of My Fears

I sent this link to a friend of mine the other day because he wanted to know what I thought of Avenue Q. He read the blog and said something surprising to me. He said that he now understands more about me as a person. That got me thinking that I am going to change the path of this blog slightly. Don't worry, I'll still review restaurants, bars, etc. but I am also going to use this as a place to work through, as the Indigo Girls say, the grammar of my fears.

What I haven't made clear in my blog is that I recently divorced my husband of two years. We had been together for 12 years total and while I still consider him a very good friend, I could not be married to him. For this reason I am now going through a series of 3 steps forward, 2 steps back growing moments. Sometimes they are unbearably painful. Sometimes it takes me days to figure out from where the pain is even emanating. I don't think I'm the only one who is undergoing this journey of discovery so it is my hope, dear readers, that by sharing my discoveries, setbacks and humorous anecdotes you will also undertake your own journey to the authentic you (unless you're already there in which case I could really use your help!).

You have seen mention in my blog of a boyfriend. That relationship, which has been really fantastic and fulfilling at times and incredibly lonely and alienating at others, is currently in jeopardy. This has caused me to face the reality of my alone-ness in the world. The possibility that all the bad things anyone has ever said to me are true (I'm unlovable, fat, ugly, lazy, lack discipline, etc.). It is a very dangerous thing when your inner voice turns against you. I have worked very hard in the last week to quiet that harmful voice and bring forward a voice that is more supportive. Sometimes that voice is hard to hear over the history of criticism, but I'm trying my hardest to listen. Listening to that negative voice has, at times, turned me into a person I don't recognize - needy, clinging, desperate for approval. The emotional equivalent of a size 0 teenager constantly asking her size 12 friends if she is fat. I've always hated that girl - now I've become her. So that give my inner voice even more ammunition. lol. Ahhh, the irony.

I'm combating that inner voice by being good to myself. And that does not mean lying in bed eating bon bons (though at times that seems like a damned good idea). That means keeping my body healthy, my mind active, and focusing and asking for what I need.

So, dear reader, that is where I'm at now. I welcome your comments, thoughts and suggestions.

And do stay tuned for restaurant reviews - restaurant hound won't stay down for long.

Take care of yourself.