The Great Mystery

It seems the popular thing amongst self-help/self-awareness bloggers lately is to ask other bloggers a question. I am not yet in the "in clique" amongst self-awareness bloggers but I'll throw this great question out to the universe in the hopes that I get at least a couple answers.

The question: What Is Love?

I'm not going to define the kind of love - most people immediately think of romantic love. That is not necessarily what I am thinking about, but it is certainly one form of love.

My thoughts on love? I am not entirely certain. I have been listening to a lot of Indigo Girls recently (as you can probably tell). I am not sure whether this is due to the fact that I am going to be moving to the outskirts of Decatur soon or not.

Anyway, they ponder the definition/meaning of love in many of their songs. One song that I was listening to tonight sort of lays out the quandry. A particular verse has caused me to think about this issue a little more:

So what is love then is it dictated or chosen
Does it sing like the hymns of 1000 years
Or is it just pop emotion
And if it ever was there and it left
Does it mean it was never true

Is love destined? Is it real? Or is it just something to help us through the day (like religion, IMO)?

Personally, I think it is some of both. I think you can think that you are in love to find out later that it was just pop emotion (puppy love, friendships gone astray).

But I think there also exists in this world, to those who are lucky enough to find it, a very deep and meaningful connection with another person that is so deep and meaningful it seems destined. That it seems like it was handed down through the ages and meant for you, right now at this time. This is the love we are all hoping to find. The one we are searching for, the one Hollywood is selling us.

But what do you think?

I choose to believe, even if it never happens to me...

Take care, dear readers.

The Globe: Or One Restaurants Journey From International Yumminess to Deep Fried Yuckiness

My friends come to me for restaurant recommendations. An I take pride in my ability to come through with just the right restaurant for any occasion. I have in the past recommended The Globe without reservation.

I expected nothing less than a good experience when I recently visited with the sorta/kinda. We were out celebrating the fact that I got my house and we wanted somewhere outside to have a glass of wine and an appetizer. The Globe immediately came to mind. Nestled on 5th Street with a large patio The Globe has always been one of my favorite outdoor destinations. The wine list, with my favorite, Basa Blanco, did not disappoint.

I immediately ordered my two favorite appetizers: fritti misto and calimari. I have great memories of eating the tempura'ed veggies with the aioli mayo with my friend, L. My mouth was watering just thinking about it.

Imagine my surprise when the dishes arrived and the vegetables were unrecognizable. They were covered with over a half inch of nasty batter and fully deep fried. My sorta/kinda wondered when The Globe got bought out by Long John Silvers (or Captain D's). Yuck. I tried to persevere by peeling off the batter from the veggies. I only succeeded in getting my fingers totally greasy. What a turn off.

The calimari was pedestrian at best. The dipping sauce was thin and easily overpowered.

All in all, I will no longer be recommending The Globe. I'll just have to find somewhere else that will serve me Basa Blanco on a patio...

Slipping...

It is hard to do the right thing. It is hard to live your life consciously. It is tiring. You just want to live in blissful ignorance as you had before. At least then you wouldn't know when you were fucking up your life, slipping back into old negative patterns. But you can't go back once you start down this road. And sometimes it seems like starting down this road is just a guarantee of a lifetime of disappointment in one's self.

I have gotten myself into a predicament. Back when I was a people pleaser extraordinaire I agreed to something. I am now smack in the middle of it and am hating it. But I agreed, so I will see it through.

This blog post is not about that predicament. It is how I've handled it and what I've learned about myself. This predicament has affected my home life and has not allowed me to get the alone time that I desperately need right now (this is why the blog posts have slowed down as well).

I have handled this predicament by returning to my escapist tendencies. I've drank more, ate more, gone out more, spent more. I so desperately want to escape my now that I've regressed.

I realized this today, though the realization has been creeping up on me for the last two weeks or so. I don't like how I'm living. I don't like the drinking, the eating, the spending, the constant on the go-ness. And I don't like myself.

I was thinking yesterday about how far I have come in the last year. But there was a nagging voice. That voice told me that I hadn't changed - that I was the same person I ever was. I was the drinking eating spender that no one would ever love. God, I hate that voice.

But this is MY life. And I get to choose how I live it. If I don't like how things are going, I can stop them. I can make a change. And I will. Because as I've said once you start down this road there is no going back.

Starting today (not tomorrow or next week or after my predicament is over) I am going to live the life I want for myself. Live in today, for today. Stop escaping. Deal with the here and now.

Anyway, those are my disjointed thoughts for tonight. Life can be such a struggle. So, I'll keep on and eventually I'll get this right (or at least closer to right).

Take care, dear reader.

With Every Lesson Learned A Line Upon Your Beautiful Face

I was out to dinner on Friday night and my dinner companion (the sorta/kinda) confided in me that he felt slightly out of place at the trendy restaurant. I didn't feel incredibly out of place at the restaurant, but I did have a similar experience very recently that I have not, to this date, shared with anyone.

My friend hosted a function to support his business at an art gallery. There was fancy finger foods, drinks, and art. Those things don't intimidate me at all. What did make me uncomfortable was the incredible amount of thin, beautiful girls. I'd say women, but my guess is that they are all younger than me by about 9 years. I felt so clunky, clumsy, short, frumpy next to them. I didn't eat a bite at the party.

The new Oprah magazine came out and it is an issue on beauty - not becoming more beautiful necessarily but accepting and embracing the beauty you already have. There is a quote in the magazine that says that investing in "Gorgeous" is always a losing proposition - you will eventually lose your entire investment (god willing you live that long).

I was 26 once. And I'm sure I was beautiful then. And I'm sure that I intimidated 35 year olds. But I didn't have the self-awareness that I have now. I didn't have the appreciation for my life, my family, my friends that I have now. I hadn't gone through a divorce (in fact, I wasn't even married yet). I hadn't begun to drink my way out of my problems. I hadn't taken a good look at my life and determined what I wanted or that I even deserved anything more than what I'm getting.

So, the next time I find myself in that position, I am going to excuse myself to the restroom and take a look at myself in the mirror noting that every lesson i've learned is a line upon my face and i wouldn't have it any other way.

Take care, dear reader.

Living in the Top Three Inches of My Life

I told a friend of mine just over a year ago that I was living in the top three inches of my life. I was kidding at the time. I look back over the last year (and the last 12 before it) and realize - I really wasn't. When I made that comment, whether I realized it or not, the rest of my life was so unbearably unhappy that I couldn't examine beyond three inches. It would have been too difficult.

I heard on the radio today that Sarah Jessica Parker stopped going to therapy because she was not ready to be that introspective. I found that very interesting, and telling (beyond the fact that I should give a fuck as to why SJP stopped going to therapy - or that she started in the first place). I could relate to her statement. It's hard to be introspective. It's hard to bare your soul - if even to yourself, let alone someone else. To examine yourself is to realize you're unhappy. And that's scary.

I spoke with my mom last night. We talked about the girl I was (meanspirited and spiteful mostly...) and the girl I became (distant, unavailable) and the girl that I am. Mom said she feels like I'm "back." I was so distant for the last several years because I was so unhappy that I couldn't face it and couldn't let those close to me see it. Wow. How far I've come. In therapy the other day, my therapist said she loved how open I was to criticism of my personality. And it's true. I need to understand what's going on in my head. And it's not always pretty, and it's not always easy, but I've grown so much by looking into it.

Recently I took the Myers Briggs (not the full thing but an online take off). I am an ENFJ (http://www.personalitypage.com/ENFJ.html) . I actually took it several times because in typical ENFJ style I didn't quite believe it was true. An ENFJ is the ultimate people pleaser. I can tell what you want from me intuitively and I am adept enough to give it to you. People like me. I've never understood why. And sometimes I've not felt like the people that like me even really know me (also typical ENFJ). But there are great things about my personality. I am a great problem solver. I am a good leader (even when I don't want to be). People like me. I like people. I need to focus on bringing those things out and not focus on the negative.

They also noted about ENFJ's that around midlife they tend to get more introspective. I hope 34 isn't midlife, but it did take me a while to become introspective. Yet here I am.

Today a friend of mine at work came into my office. He is going through his own divorce (and actually inspired this new blog direction). I'm getting ready to buy a house of my own, I'm dating someone, I've moved on. He was so impressed and happy for me. I have not taken the time to look back and revel in how far I've come. But I have. I'm happy. I'm self-sufficient (something I was convinced I never could be). Quite honestly, even I'm starting to be impressed.

So, take care dear reader. :)

Studying History

I got free HBO for 3 months because of my incessant complaints to comcast (we can discuss that issue some other time). I don't watch movies - I have very little patience. I have, however, stumbled upon the new histori-drama John Adams.

It is covering the life and times of John Adams and his wife Abigail from John's defense of the British soldiers in Philadelphia to his Vice Presidency (or at least that is as far as I have watched).

Throughout this series what has struck me the most is the strength, wisdom and courage of Abigail. John was at the Continental Congress for much of the war leaving Abigail and their children to fend during times of no food, small pox and the Revolutionary War. Abigail who made the courageous decision to have her children innoculated for small pox (or measles - whatever).

Abigail is widely regarded and sought out for advice by all the revolutionaries (per this history). She shares an interesting relationship with Thomas Jefferson who seems to quite respect and admire her (much to John's chagrin).

It is encouraging to see a woman from that era portrayed so well.

Bravo HBO!

Instant Karma's Gonna Get You

The house offer went poorly (they didn't even come down a penny!) and one of my second choice houses just went under contract (and they say it's a slow housing market - HA!). I have also been looking at dogs and the first dog I looked at got adopted. So, then I chose another one and he has been adopted already, too! Then there is the party that I am throwing on Saturday which looks like it will be poorly attended.

So, dear readers, please explain to me what I have done to deserve this recent spate of bad luck? Ok, maybe I don't really want you to answer that.

I don't know if I believe in karma for sure, but I have done some things recently that should get me some good karma. I was just involved in an effort that raised $200k for research for ovarian cancer (I personally raised over $3,000). I only had one margarita for dinner last night and no dessert. I run, pay my bills on time, follow most reasonable laws. And I'm nice to old women and children (OK, maybe I'm not always nice to children - especially the screaming variety). Surely these things should get me something in the way of karma!

Take care dear reader, I'll be looking for some old lady to help across the street or a kitten to rescue from a tree...