Living in the Top Three Inches of My Life

I told a friend of mine just over a year ago that I was living in the top three inches of my life. I was kidding at the time. I look back over the last year (and the last 12 before it) and realize - I really wasn't. When I made that comment, whether I realized it or not, the rest of my life was so unbearably unhappy that I couldn't examine beyond three inches. It would have been too difficult.

I heard on the radio today that Sarah Jessica Parker stopped going to therapy because she was not ready to be that introspective. I found that very interesting, and telling (beyond the fact that I should give a fuck as to why SJP stopped going to therapy - or that she started in the first place). I could relate to her statement. It's hard to be introspective. It's hard to bare your soul - if even to yourself, let alone someone else. To examine yourself is to realize you're unhappy. And that's scary.

I spoke with my mom last night. We talked about the girl I was (meanspirited and spiteful mostly...) and the girl I became (distant, unavailable) and the girl that I am. Mom said she feels like I'm "back." I was so distant for the last several years because I was so unhappy that I couldn't face it and couldn't let those close to me see it. Wow. How far I've come. In therapy the other day, my therapist said she loved how open I was to criticism of my personality. And it's true. I need to understand what's going on in my head. And it's not always pretty, and it's not always easy, but I've grown so much by looking into it.

Recently I took the Myers Briggs (not the full thing but an online take off). I am an ENFJ (http://www.personalitypage.com/ENFJ.html) . I actually took it several times because in typical ENFJ style I didn't quite believe it was true. An ENFJ is the ultimate people pleaser. I can tell what you want from me intuitively and I am adept enough to give it to you. People like me. I've never understood why. And sometimes I've not felt like the people that like me even really know me (also typical ENFJ). But there are great things about my personality. I am a great problem solver. I am a good leader (even when I don't want to be). People like me. I like people. I need to focus on bringing those things out and not focus on the negative.

They also noted about ENFJ's that around midlife they tend to get more introspective. I hope 34 isn't midlife, but it did take me a while to become introspective. Yet here I am.

Today a friend of mine at work came into my office. He is going through his own divorce (and actually inspired this new blog direction). I'm getting ready to buy a house of my own, I'm dating someone, I've moved on. He was so impressed and happy for me. I have not taken the time to look back and revel in how far I've come. But I have. I'm happy. I'm self-sufficient (something I was convinced I never could be). Quite honestly, even I'm starting to be impressed.

So, take care dear reader. :)