Slipping...

It is hard to do the right thing. It is hard to live your life consciously. It is tiring. You just want to live in blissful ignorance as you had before. At least then you wouldn't know when you were fucking up your life, slipping back into old negative patterns. But you can't go back once you start down this road. And sometimes it seems like starting down this road is just a guarantee of a lifetime of disappointment in one's self.

I have gotten myself into a predicament. Back when I was a people pleaser extraordinaire I agreed to something. I am now smack in the middle of it and am hating it. But I agreed, so I will see it through.

This blog post is not about that predicament. It is how I've handled it and what I've learned about myself. This predicament has affected my home life and has not allowed me to get the alone time that I desperately need right now (this is why the blog posts have slowed down as well).

I have handled this predicament by returning to my escapist tendencies. I've drank more, ate more, gone out more, spent more. I so desperately want to escape my now that I've regressed.

I realized this today, though the realization has been creeping up on me for the last two weeks or so. I don't like how I'm living. I don't like the drinking, the eating, the spending, the constant on the go-ness. And I don't like myself.

I was thinking yesterday about how far I have come in the last year. But there was a nagging voice. That voice told me that I hadn't changed - that I was the same person I ever was. I was the drinking eating spender that no one would ever love. God, I hate that voice.

But this is MY life. And I get to choose how I live it. If I don't like how things are going, I can stop them. I can make a change. And I will. Because as I've said once you start down this road there is no going back.

Starting today (not tomorrow or next week or after my predicament is over) I am going to live the life I want for myself. Live in today, for today. Stop escaping. Deal with the here and now.

Anyway, those are my disjointed thoughts for tonight. Life can be such a struggle. So, I'll keep on and eventually I'll get this right (or at least closer to right).

Take care, dear reader.