Alone as a Permanent Prospect

I have mentioned this before, but it bears repeating. The last time I grappled with being alone, I wasn't really alone. S and I had broken up but I was certain that we would get back together. That made it easier.



Many things have happened with this break up that make it very clear to me that this time it is for a very long time, if not forever.



The biggest difference - he has moved out of state. I remember the day he got his job (there is a blog entry on that, too) and how happy I was for him. But the flip side of that was that I was devastated personally. I knew he was going to move and that would be it. I might never see him again. And the idea of never seeing him again scared me. I now realize that the reason it scared me so much was that it meant that this aloneness might be a permanent prospect. My fear caused me to overreact, cling, manipulate - do anything to make him see me one last time.



Every once in a while my rational self would make an appearance. My rational self was the one that cancelled dinner plans knowing that seeing S would do nothing but hurt me. It might give me hope - and I'd cling to that hope for months just to avoid my fear of being alone, my fear that this aloneness might be permanent.



Yesterday my rational self took a huge step forward. I told S that I would not be talking (or more specifically, emailing) to him for the next two weeks. Talking to him is distracting to me and my quest to get comfortable in my new position - woman alone (permanently).

So tonight is my one of my first steps. Tonight (like Sunday actually) I have no plans. It is just me, my house, my cats and my fears. We'll all sit together and I'm willing to bet that I find that my fears are not nearly as scary as I think they are. That I'm much stronger than I think I am. And that my cats are just as annoying as I think they are. (It is hard to come to grips with being alone when there is always someone - Stormy - leaning on you in bed!).

Take care, dear readers.