What Has Happened To Us?

Tonight I was playing supportive girlfriend, which is hilarious considering what a fucked up mess I am.

I was sitting across from my friend. A beautiful, effervescent woman. Self-confident, interesting, intelligent, educated. She is upset with her boyfriend of nearly two years who does not seem to be interested in committing. And she looks at me, tears welling up in her eyes and asks me, "what is wrong with me? I'm smart, pretty, own my own home, keep a clean house, cook well, enjoy football - what is wrong with me?"

And, honestly, there is nothing wrong with her. Not a thing. Why do we heap this responsibility on ourselves? A man doesn't want to be with us - it's our fault. We're smart women. What the hell?

I tried to reassure her that she deserves more (she does) and that there is more out there for her (there is).

The irony is that I'm a broken mess myself. My pain is so real, so physical, I swear there are scabs on my heart. I have never hurt so much or been so afraid. So afraid of letting someone in, so afraid of feeling anything, so afraid of being alone with my thoughts. The ones I reassured my friend are not true (and they are not - not for her, nor for me). But they creep around. And scare me. And tell me I'm not good enough, will never be good enough.

And it's that fucking hole. The one I can't fill. The one I can't get anyone else to fill. The one that apparently all of us have. And none of us have learned to fill.

Oh dear God, what has happened to my generation of women?

Take care dear readers, I'm saving my generation - one woman at a time (I'll be last...)