My Saddest Moment

Someone asked me recently what my saddest moment was. I refused to answer. So many incredibly sad moments from the past year ran through my head.

Laying on a bed in Savannah and realizing I was never going home again.

Telling J that it was over, there was no saving our marriage.

Losing S. Both times.

But the moment that stands out in my memory is the day I realized that what was really hurting me was that my father couldn't love me. I played with the word "couldn't" there. On a particularly bad day I'll think that he never loved me. The logical extension of this in my head is that I'm unlovable.

It hurts when you realize that the pain you've been carrying your entire life is mostly attributable to the lack of one single relationship. Now, granted, it is a very formative relationship - occurring before you ever even realized it existed.

I look back at my childhood and I can't name a time where I felt love from my father. For the most part he just wasn't there. He was supposed to pick me up from dance class - he was always at least an hour late. He used us kids as pawns to make my mother happy. I remember bringing home a report card with all A's and an A minus and being criticized for it not being all A's. I remember the disapproval, the lack of interest in the plays or other extracurricular activities in which I participated.

And I internalized this feedback. In response I'd try harder. Be the perfect student, perfect daughter, making sure not to get into trouble, getting into school, getting scholarships - all to get his approval. My mother reminded me that I did as much to push my father away when I was in middle school as he did when I was younger - that might sway me to accept more responsibility but for the fact that a) all teenagers do that, b) the harm had already been done by that point and c) he's supposed to be the grown up.

My entire life I have been chasing for approval from someone (dad, boyfriends, husband) who is unwilling or unable to give me the approval I am seeking. Sometimes it is because the person from whom I am seeking the approval is, similar to my father, simply unable to give it. Sometimes it is because I seek too much and the hole is too deep for anyone (but me) to fill. And I don't know how to fill it because I am busy trying to be everything for everyone else.

I am never going to be happy until I can get through this one, singular issue. As they say in therapy (or self help books) - the only way to get over anything is to go through it. So I'm dropping the anger towards my father and shifting into dealing with all the hurt.

It wasn't fair. I deserved a father that loved me and adored me and thought I was the coolest thing ever. But I didn't get that. And it was not my fault. I didn't do anything wrong. I was totally worthy of having a fantastic father. I just didn't get one.

And in many ways it wasn't really his fault. He did the best he could given his upbringing and background. He did all he could - it just wasn't very much.

I don't need to perpetuate this cycle of hurt. I need to figure out a way to fill the hole myself (sort of like comforting myself last night).

So , take care dear readers. I'm backfilling.