Getting Back Together

This week, I have weakened and let an old love back in my life. I say weakened because I know this love is bad for me. It makes me feel bad about myself. But it is so good at the time.

The last time I visited this love was right around the time I moved into my new home (almost 3 months ago). I didn't realize that would be the last time I would see him, it just worked out that way. I just kinda drifted away and didn't think about him. Until recently.

Now I can't get him out of my mind. I start thinking about him in the morning and think about him until I can go see him. It is an obsession.

I know it's wrong and I know I have to break it off. In fact, I think today will be the last time I visit him for quite some time.

So for now we'll say goodbye dear readers to my rekindled love of Moe's.

Take care, dear readers. I'm going to be resisting temptation (starting after lunch...)

Love/Hate Relationship

I hate running. Hate it. It is umcomfortable, sometimes it just plain hurts. It takes up precious time I could use to do nothing. I hate getting up early to beat the heat. It makes me sweat profusely, run through too many pairs of socks, bras, underwear, tshirts, etc. I look like an overripened tomato. I hate it.

I love running. I love when I get in the groove and my mind just floats away. I love hearing my feet pound on the pavement. I love the way it makes me look and feel. I love the flush in my cheeks after I've cooled down a bit. I love the way it serves as a moving meditation. I love what it does to my mental state. I love it.

So, I have juggled my priorities and have decided to prioritize running (though this morning I did prioritize sleep - maybe I need to remind myself of my priorities). My half marathon training will drive the rest of my social/work schedule. I have asked A to serve as my running "coach" for the half marathon. He is going to help develop a plan for me - and since he sees me every day at work he'll check in with me about how I'm doing.

I love how running and training for an event can bring structure to my life. Like a puppy, I need structure but rebel against it. And also like a puppy I have always relied on others (J) to provide it for me. It is time for me to provide and maintain structure for myself. To fold the clothes that have been sitting clean in the hamper for three days while I fritter away my time doing other things. They are clothes I need to run. See how this might work?

Take care dear readers - I'll be running.

What do you want?

I have been thinking about what I want in a partner.

I want someone who, when I'm having a bad day, will just take me in their arms and tell me it will be OK. Even if it won't. To tell me I'm OK. Even if I'm not. When I'm bawling my eyes out is not the time to teach me a lesson.

I want to see in their eyes that they are proud of me. Even if they are disappointed, I want to see that tempered with affection.

I just want someone who likes me. As I come to them. Not that they would like me (or like me better) if I did X, Y, or Z.

I want a partner that loves me like I love my friends (or as I have loved my past partners). I ask nothing more from them than how they come to me. I love them just as they are. I am more than happy to help them reach and grow and be more. But if they never want to, I love them as is.

Where is that person? Why is it so hard?

Take care dear readers - I'm searching...

Nice Guys Finish Last

I know, I know - I swore off dating until January 1.

Who reading this thought that was even remotely a possibility? Yeah, no one raised their hand.

I reported that I am finished with A. I like A, continue to like him as a person, so I don't want this to come off weird. A is a player. He has several women, a stable, to choose from on any given night. A player isn't necessarily a bad person. A never lied to me about it nor did he rub my nose in it. But I don't want to be part of a stable. I deserve someone who just likes me (yes, I said this before). I am enduring his TN gf putting pictures of him and saying sappy stuff about him on her blog. I am not jealous, but it doesn't thrill me to see someone that I care about and that I think cares about me mooned over by some other chick.

But, I digress...

The point of this blog is that nice guys finish last. A is not a "nice" guy. He plays the game. He will show open interest, ignores the rules (or invents his own) and makes you like him almost instantly (or in my case, after 10 months). But he doesn't want a relationship, he just likes the chase.

Nice guys want to get to know you. They want to talk to you, learn about you - open up to you. The want to be, well, nice. And all of this doesn't ignite that "spark" that makes you want to spend every waking minute with them. It may ignite a slow burn that will eventually turn into that spark - but sometimes it is such a slow burn you can barely tell it's lit.

And sometimes your own expectations will douse that tiny little ember.

For instance, M (the actuary). Nice, nice guy. Told him nearly a month ago that I couldn't date right now. We remained friends and I'm probably going to go out with him again later this week. I want to give him an honest chance because I liked him before my mind started freaking out. And I can't guarantee my mind won't start to freak out again.

Another for instance, I had a date yesterday with B. That was why I thought I was going to throw up. I met B on a different online thingy (match.com feels like a meat market). Anyway, met B yesterday for brunch after a couple days of exchanging many emails and a phone call (yes, dear readers I used the fucking phone). Had a nice brunch, I really enjoyed it. It is hard for me to get over the difference between how someone really looks and how they look in their pictures. He resembled his pictures but didn't look exactly like them. This is not to say he wasn't good looking - he was. Just the disconnect is hard for me to get over. Of course I should probably assume that they are thinking the same thing with me ("there was no double chin in her picture..."). Anyway, there was no spark (there was more there than with M, but not like S or A or....).

But then I was thinking yesterday afternoon - what the hell am I expecting from a first date? Most people I have had that spark with I have known for many months before it blew up. Why do I expect it to be there in a first date? I don't live in a freaking movie or a soap opera (despite the blog title). I live in the real world, with real people, who are sometimes boring, sometimes nervous, sometimes make a better second or third impression.

At the end of brunch yesterday B hugged and kissed me on the cheek (was he aiming for my lips and I turned my head? who kisses a girl on the lips for the first time waiting int he valet line in front of Babette's at 1:15 in front of the church crowd?). Now I'm wishing I hadn't turned my head or did (if I didn't) so that he would have kissed me full on. But I'm an idiot.

Anyway, I think I digressed again...

The point is B said he'd call me later this week. What does that mean? I sent him an email thanking him for brunch and that I had a nice time and that he has nice hands (I once commented on finding male hands attractive). But I haven't heard anything back. Is he going to call? Did I disappoint?

I think I did it again (digressed)...

Anyway, the point of this damned blog is this: I'm giving the nice guys another chance. Though reading back over this I'm starting to wonder if the spark with B wasn't maybe just a little bit more visible than I'm letting on. Or that he is playing the game correctly. Or ....

Ugh.

Take care, dear readers before I digress again...

Reflections from August

I know it is not over yet, but I predicted that August would be a make it or break it month for A and me. So, what's the verdict?

Break it.

There are several reasons, none of which had to do with the blackmail/smear campaign that S attempted late last week.

First, there is just no spark. What???? How could there be no spark - he's 28 with a killer body??? Have you lost your mind??? Maybe. But he feels like a really good friend or a brother - not like someone I want to throw to the bed and ravage.

Second, I know that he has the girl in TN and, I am only guessing, at least two here in town. I am not the kind of girl who can be #4 (or even #2) for long. I deserve to be #1.

Third, when I was in Florida I didn't miss him. Not one bit. I didn't wish he was there with me. I didn't want to hear his voice.

It has just run its course. I anticipate we'll transition back to being good friends nearly as seamlessly as we transitioned into whatever this was. No discussion needed.

And I'm fine. I'm starting to develop a real calmness for being by myself. I'm starting to develop an idea of what I want and deserve in a romantic relationship. Until then, I'm pleased to see that my entire week is free. And I am pleased to spend my free time with my close friends and my family.

I'm doing well and I'm thrilled to report it.

Take care, dear readers.

Rambling...

Despite the impending arrival of Tropical Storm (or Hurricane?) Fay I am enjoying my beach vacation. Today I spent most of the day in my room reading. I can't tell you how relaxing and enjoyable that was.

I have rarely admitted this here, or in my own mind for that matter. But I miss J. He was my best friend. The person I told everything. He knew me. Knew what every look, every sigh, every movement meant. Now, I won't lie, that can also be a problem because in the rare cases he was wrong he couldn't be convinced.

But this is neither here nor there.

I am not saying that I regret what I have done. I needed this time alone. I needed to feel responsible for my own life - to fly without a net. I sometimes wonder, however, what might have happened if I had had this opportunity prior to us getting married. Would it have worked?

I don't know.

I mentioned the storm rolling in to the beach. I was just out on the beach. The wind is raging, the waves are huge, the surfers are thrilled.

And I sat there, looking internally for that hole of mine.

And you know what?

I couldn't find it. I just saw a faint indentation where that hole was - like it had just been filled. And I realized that I'm content. Or happy. I'm not sure it matters.

The hole is gone. I can drink to that.

Take care, dear readers.

And the Waves Keep Crashing

I am away on my solo vacation on a beach in a southern state. It could not have come at a better time. Last week was very stressful - what with all the stalking and etc. All I could think of was driving away this morning and leaving it all behind me.

When you're feeling like this it is a great idea to go someplace where there is something bigger than you (like the ocean). I sat on the beach this afternoon. I felt fat and bloated and self-conscious.

Slowly, as the waves kept crashing, and the wind kept blowing those feelings dropped away from me. The waves don't care that you'd be happier losing 10 pounds. The wind doesn't care that you didn't do your hair or put on make up this morning.

I got up, sans cover up, and walked the beach. And the waves kept crashing. And the wind kept blowing. And the sun warmed my back. And I was sloshing through the water when I realized I was smiling.

This past year has been hard. I have made some good decisions, I have made some bad decisions. I have thrown away a lot of energy loving someone who clearly did not deserve it.

I kept walking. And the waves kept crashing. And the wind kept blowing. And I realized that every choice I have made in life has brought me here. And I am so happy right here that I wouldn't take back a single one. Not the dumb ones, not the smart ones, not the ones that ended up hurting me.

I turned around and walked towards my chair. And the waves kept crashing. And the wind kept blowing. And I felt myself (my soul?) stretch into those areas that have scared me so much about being alone. I could feel myself stretching and getting limber and strong for all the new journeys that are in front of me.

And the waves will keep crashing. And the wind will keep blowing. And I will continue to grow and stretch into myself.

Take care, dear readers.

Life's Challenges

I watched a movie recently where one of the characters stated that life is a struggle, then you die.

I pondered that. I think that is true.

Life is challenging. Not always in a negative way, but it is challenging. And I think that if your life isn't challenging you need to evaluate whether or not you are living your life fully, authentically. If you are pushing yourself to be more, experience more, live more than you had before.

I went along to get along for several years. My life was predictable and uneventful. Days upon days looked exactly the same. I was numb. I forgot who I was, what I was. I forgot to live authentically.

I broke out. Now my life is full of challenges. Some good, some bad, some just incredibly fucking bizarre. But they are mine. And they are a result of me making my own decisions - the hard ones. The ones that make you cry as you realize what you have to do. But you do it anyway because it is the right thing for you to do. I live my life fully. I love my friends, family fully. Openly. I am trying to live fearlessly. It is hard. But I'm happy. I'm alive.

Take care, dear readers.

MINE

This blog has been a great place for me to work through my feelings, my hardships. I have looked back over the posts at times to find strength, to assure myself that I will be OK.

I have been asked at times to change items in my blog. I have been asked to remove references. I have never done it. And will never do it.

S asked me yesterday, in no uncertain terms, to remove the Finale post and to never post about him again. I won't do it. No matter how much he threatens, I won't do it.

This is my place to discuss my life, my views, my deepest thoughts and feelings. If you, dear reader, do not like what you read here - just stop reading. No one is forcing you to come here. I will not censor myself or make certain topics off limit because it does not please a reader (even my mother).

On to other items.

I may be losing my mind. A is temporarily homeless (don't ask). He has some stuff at my house and will be house sitting for me next week while I'm at the beach.

I think I might be losing my mind because I like that his stuff is here. I like that he stayed here last night (while I was out of town). I like seeing his clothes hanging in my closet. I like that he wanted to come to my house and stay with me the first night he came back when he was so exhausted he was slurring his words. I like how he holds me at night while we sleep. I like that he asked me what I needed at the grocery store.

Ugh.

Take care, dear readers I'll be trying not to lose my mind.

The Finale

Every good play, musical, movie, book has a great finale. An exclamation point telling you it is time to go home or turn off the light and go to sleep.

Today was The Finale with S. I know, I know - I said that in my July 2nd post. But this time it is real. It is real because I was the one who did it. I told him I can't be his friend. And what did I get in return? A big, hearty "fuck you."

Charming.

But the real question is this - how do I feel? I feel good. I took the appropriate steps to remove something from my life that was crippling me. This was the breakthrough I referred to yesterday. I was finally able to take the steps necessary to stop this cycle.

I'm free. I'm alone. I'm happy.

Take care, dear readers.

Sooooo Close

I am so close to a major breakthrough I can practically see it on the horizon.

In fact I could feel it breaking through last night (I will tell you that tears apparently will stain taffeta or whatever it is my throw pillows are made of). And today in the therapists office.

I feel, in some ways, like I'm breaking out of a shell, a cage, something that has held me back. Perhaps for my entire life.

I see visions of myself (not real visions, mom, it's a figure of speech) laughing, joking, walking down the street. Being me. The me I was when I was 16. The me that was rarely wrong, that was so sure of myself. The me that there was before life hit me. The me that insisted I was God when I was younger. This may be why my parents never baptised me. I mean seriously - who can baptise a deity? (this is a joke of course - perhaps she'll see fit to the share the story...).

I have learned that I can be very happy alone. I know it. Deep down in the pit of my soul, I know it.

Now it is just a matter of execution.

Take care, dear readers. I'll be executing (not literally, of course...).

It's Back

My anxiety is back. I noticed it very vividly this morning. I recognized it. Felt the tightness in my chest, the clench of my jaw.

Now the search for why. And what to do about it.

I will tell you that it has passed for the most part. It likely always lingers inside me like a coiled up tiger waiting to pounce. But for now I have tamed it or backed it off.

But I did a nice job this morning of sitting with it, feeling it. Isolating its causes, effects, and experimented with some solutions. (deep breathing and the like). And it has subsided. At least for now.

It was unreasonable for me to think that I wouldn't have another bad moment. And I don't think I really thought that. It is just a disappointment since last week was going so well.

So, here is my plan - I'm going to continue my day. Go home, work out. Perhaps go through some boxes that still need to be unpacked. Basically live my life.

Take care, dear readers - I have a tiger by the tail.

Couples, Couples Everywhere

Friday night I met my friend G at a restaurant situated right next to a movie theater. There were couples everywhere. Young, old, ugly, attractive. Couples, couples, couples.

And you know what thought was running through my mind?

I was thinking how awful that looked. How constraining and stifling it looked to be part of a couple. I wasn't jealous. I was sure they were jealous of me. I have the freedom to do what I want, whenever I want. I don't have to worry about what movie my significant other wants to see. I don't have to worry about what tv show he wants to watch. I can leave my shoes all over my living room.

I am pretty sure this is a good sign...

Take care, dear readers.

How Far We've Come

Every once in a while I look around and ponder my life. I am doing it this morning.

A year ago I was living in Adams Crossing with chores, a husband and a dog. Today I am living by myself in Kirkhurst. With chores (my own), no husband, no dog.

I miss the dog.

I have come so far in a year. So many changes. All for the better. I am laying in my bed in my master bedroom right now. I love it here. It may be my favorite place in the entire universe. Something about this house loves me. And I love it right back.

Take care dear readers, I'm reveling in my accomplishments.

Befriending the Enemy

I have been in a 25 year fight with my body. Ever since I realized what "fat" was I 've been fighting it. And mostly, in my harsh judgment, losing the fight.

This morning I got up and looked at myself in the mirror naked (something I do every morning). And you know what? I liked what I saw. I like my curves. I like the dimples above my butt. I like the shape of my butt - I like that it sticks out a little - like a real butt should. I like the way my shoulder blades stick out of my back. I like my belly. I like my arms. I like the way my breasts sit on my frame. My thighs are not nearly as awful as I have always thought and my calves are downright sexy. My hair, my face - I like all of it. So finally I think I'm there:

I like me.

Take care, dear readers.

Help Me Out!!!!

I am faced with a bit of a conundrum and I am soliciting your advice - so get off your hands and give me some damned comments on this!

It has to do with A. I dropped him off at the airport today - he'll be gone for a week in Europe. I'm OK with that. In fact I'm hoping to learn a little something from it.

Here's the issue. A and I have been friends for a while and I know that last fall he met this girl - J. He and this girl (she's 34 - does that make her a woman?) really clicked and since then he has seen her as much as is probably possible (she lives in TN and has 4 kids). I pretty much know that she is in love with him. And I have a gut feeling that he may be in love with her - if not love he at least has some very strong feelings for her. A is homeless for August (don't ask) and will be spending nearly 10 days with J.

Perhaps I should be jealous. But I'm not. You see the thing is - I've checked out this girls blog and - I actually like her. I'm rooting for her. She is divorced. She had resigned herself to never finding someone she clicks with ever again (been there/am there...) and then A comes into her life and they click.

I know how special and wonderful it is to click with someone like that (S...) and part of me wants to just back out and say - "you know, I think you two have something special and I just don't want to get in the way of it."

I know that I'll never mean as much to him as she does, in the same way that I know that he'll never mean as much to me as S does.

A and I have fun together, we like and respect eachother but there is, realistically, no future there.

So, the question is: should I make way for true love or enjoy myself while it lasts?

Take care, dear readers I'll be eagerly awaiting your responses...

Ho Hummmmmm

As I settle into my aloneness and try to cobble together some sense of routine for myself, less and less is happening of note. I suppose this is a good thing.

Last night I had to work late and came home around 7pm. I ate dinner (salad and a quesadilla for those who care...) and plopped on the couch. There I stayed. Until 10:30 when I went to bed. And I slept. Like a baby. I'm back to loving my sleep and that is a good thing.

The one big step forward last night was that I didn't turn on my computer. Not once. Just me, the tv and the cats. And again, I was perfectly content.

Tonight I have a date with Pete (my spin instructor). And then another date with the couch - Pete wears me out.

Take care, dear reader - hopefully I'll continue to bore you...

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

I have to break up with someone this week.

But you're not dating? It isn't A, is it? - I can hear you thinking these things.

No, I'm not dating. No, I'm not breaking up with A (besides he leaves for Europe tomorrow - he doesn't really even have a chance to piss me off enough to break up with him this week - maybe next week though...).

I have to terminate someone's employment. Firing someone is really like a break up. There will likely be tears. There will be a demand for an explanation. And even if I do explain, the explanation will never be enough for the person being terminated. Every kindness we extend to this person will be viewed as "just rewards" for being treated so badly by the organization. The meeting will leave us both feeling sad, tired and a little more empty than when we went into it.

So, if it sucks this much, why do it? Because, like in a break up, it is the right thing to do for my organization (or in the case of a break up - for myself).

Also similar to a break up I hope that the person being terminated takes a look back and learns some lessons from the experience - no matter how difficult. I have, in the past week, had the opportunity to look back at my relationship with S with a clearer eye. I see my mistakes, I see my positives. I'm not naive enough to say I'll never repeat them again, but being able to analyze them clearly is a step towards avoiding the same mistakes in the future.

I hope the person I terminate will eventually look back at this experience and realize it helped her grow as a person.

Take care, dear readers. I'm off to break a heart.

Another Saturday Night...

For the first time in God knows how long - I stayed home on a Saturday night. No date, no going out with friends, nothing.

And I enjoyed it. I have re-acquainted myself with a long lost love - old movies. Last night I hunkered down with A Star is Born with Judy Garland. I went to bed at 11pm. I slept like a baby.

I woke up this morning and checked out my schedule for the week. Gasp! Except for one evening it is totally clear. And I was relieved to see that.

I hesitate to call it this early but, I think I might be settling down a bit. And it feels good.

I am comfortable in my life. I have a great job, great charitable work, great friends. I am happy with how I look. I am happy with how I feel.

I am on my way out for a run. Things are looking up.

Take care, dear readers.

Wait!

Wait! What is this I'm feeling? I migth actually be *gasp* HAPPY!

Progress

First off, let me say the George Michael concert was everything that I thought it would be. He was a smart man, played all his hits, and I knew every song. I danced, I sang, for those of you who know me I did my famous hair fling (a lot), shook my ass, all in all had a great time.

Now on to my personal progress. Despite how bad I've felt and how sad I've been - I've really kept my drinking in check. I'm proud of that. In the past concerts have generally been an excuse for me to get drunk - I think I've moved beyond that and that makes me feel good.

Next - food. Again, considering my depression my diet has been pretty darned good. I've had salads for lunch, chicken breast for dinner. Generally just eating like a normal person instead of pigging out. I haven't had Moe's in a nearly a month (though I did have it at my party I didn't eat much and it isn't the same anyway).

The other issue I have is money. I'm not going to say I've been perfect with that. Owning a new home is just an opportunity to spend more and more and more and more. But I am making it, paying my mortgage and my bills and haven't cramped my lifestyle any.

On being alone: I'm happy when I come home. I love my house. I love that it is all mine. I love that it is my little haven. I don't think of it as a prison and I don't resent the quiet time I spend here. In fact, I long for a little more quiet time. Next week looks pretty good.

So by my count - I have won the battle this week 3.5 - 1.5 (I think I only half won the S battle and I probably lost the money one, too). All in all a good week.

What's coming up:

August presents some interesting opportunities for growth for me.

1) My alone vacation is in August. I am curious to see how that plays out. It is a great opportunity for me to really spend some time with myself. I hope I don't get sick of me!

2) I am allowed to speak to S again. And his birthday falls in August. So he will be on my mind a lot (as if he isn't already). It's a landmark birthday and I so wish I could help him celebrate.

3) I am not going to see A very much. He goes to Europe for a week to compete in a duathlon in Belgium for the US triathlon team (or something like that). After he returns I leave for my vacation (he is house sitting), then the week after he goes to Nashville to stay with a "friend." This will be interesting because I am really sitting on the fence about where this "relationship"(?) is going. August should give me a clue. I'm either going to miss him a ton or I'm not. Either way it is going to tell me something and there will probably be some kind of discussion come September. Though I do want to make clear that I am not interested in getting "serious" with A any time soon - I just need to decide where this headed. And nowhere may very well be the answer.

Take care dear readers, I'm beating my demons one at a time.