Giddiness and the B Side

Several weeks ago I wrote a post about how I thought my heart was opening up. That I might be ready to really tiptoe into a relationship again.

I do not know why I was so certain that was the truth. But I believed it then and things have happened lately that make me think it might be true.

This week I had two second dates (remarkable for a one and out like me...). One is 39, in supply side consulting. The other is 34, owns his own business and plays semi-pro poker.

I like them both a great deal.

But I am REALLY into the poker player. We had our second date Thursday night and I have been giddy ever since. He sent me a text the next day saying how much fun he had and how he was looking forward to seeing me again (a third date????). I enjoy feeling like this - looking forward to a text or a phone call. It is fun to feel this way again.

And it is scary. That is the B side of giddy. I asked him yesterday when he'd get to see me again - and I haven't heard from him since. So, I get to go through this litany of things - wondering if I pushed too hard (how is that possible when I have sent exactly one text in the last 24 hours), if he found someone better, etc.

I am laughing at myself and how ridiculous this sounds. I have had a whopping two dates with this man. If he is more into someone else that is perfectly okay.

But knowing this doesn't keep me from looking at my phone every 15 minutes or so - did he call? did he text?

So I am sitting home alone tonight wishing he was here. Of course, I could have asked him out myself... But that would be way to straightforward - why do that when you can be passive aggressive. (sarcasm, folks...).

So I am laughing, I am giddy, I am nervous, I am scared.

But most of all I am glad that I'm finally in this place.

Take care, dear readers.

Giving Thanks

Here I sit - the first Thanksgiving after my divorce was final. I have thought a lot about my past and my future this week.

I reminisced about the big, wonderful Thanksgivings that I have spent at my grandmother's house. (I actually dreamt about that house this week ...). Thanksgivings with all my aunts, uncles, cousins, great aunts/uncles and some "fake" aunts and uncles. There were always lively conversations, great food and just a very warm feeling.

The grandmother of a guy I know died this week. That took me back to the Thanksgiving that my grandmother spent with me the year before she died. That year I cooked "the most beautiful turkey ever" - or so she said. She was on me all morning about putting in the turkey - she was worried it would not get done in time. It did and it was beautiful and tasted great. I have a picture of my mother and my grandmother at that Thanksgiving in my office. My grandmother was alive the next Thanksgiving but was in the hospital. She did not make it to Christmas.

I received the call that she passed away while I was putting up my Christmas tree that year.

Last year S was in my life. For Thanksgiving and Christmas. I reminisced a lot about that, too. I am grateful to him for being there for me during a difficult time. I am glad we speak civilly, though not frequently, now. I don't enjoy grudges and do not carry them well. I like to believe that if I cared about you, that there is still something in there worth caring about - and I hope the reciprocal is true.

I put up my tree yesterday. I bought a new tree (a fancy pre-lit one) and thought it very fitting that I start my new life, in my new house, with a new tree. With each decoration I took out and placed on the tree, I reminisced. Each ornament has a memory attached and I relived them all yesterday. The good, the sad. They are all beautiful (the memories, that is...).

I asked my tree as I was putting it up what it would see in its life with me. Would I get married? Have children? Move into a mansion? Move into a shack? Leave Atlanta all together?

Stubborn tree would not respond. But I am looking forward to finding out with my tree what is around the next corner.

But most of all - and I said it before so I won't belabor it now - I am thankful for all of you. My family, my friends, those of you who don't know me well but send me warm thoughts. Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Take care, dear readers.

That Same Fucking Fear

I said in an earlier post that I have to lose weight. I do. I feel absolutely miserable.

My diet stuff came on Friday and one would have thought with this feeling miserable and all that I would have dove right into the diet thing.

What did I actually do?

I enjoyed one last binge on all the foods I won't be allowing myself when I start.

So you would have thought that today, Monday, I would have started full boar.

But I didn't. I binged again tonight on chex mix, chips and hot sauce.

Ugh.

Why won't I just start?

Because I am terrified. I am terrified I'll fail and let myself down.

This is so unbelievably stupid.

Tomorrow is a new day. I will leave my house prepared to fully stick to this diet. Then the second day will be easier. And the third easier yet (though it is Thanksgiving).

I have done this before (lost weight) and it is never as bad as I think it is going to be. It is really the first step - the commitment that is the hard part. I just have to dig deep down and assure myself that a) I can do it and b) I am worth it.

Take care, dear readers.

Look Left, Look Right

There are times in your life when you must weed out your friend garden (so to speak). I've gone through those times - they are tough.

But here I sit - on the edge of another holiday season (something I love more than anything). And I look around - and all the people that are in my life right now are people that love me. Just me. Just the way I am. They don't want me to change. They'll encourage and support me if I want to change, but they don't need me to change to love me. And I feel the same way about them.

I think this was probably the case last year but I was in such a weird space that I could not appreciate it.

I appreciate it this year. And know, that if you are reading this blog, that I love you back. And you have helped me, in your own way, so much in the last year.

What am I thankful for? I am thankful that I have refound my relationship with my mom and sister. I love and appreciate them both now more than I ever have before in my entire life.

I am thankful for my good friends. The ones that let me cry, the ones that make me laugh, the ones that aggravate me with the knowledge that I should haul my ass out of my funks. I love you all. If I return your emails, I love you. If I pick up your phone calls, I REALLY love you.

Take care, dear readers and know that it is you for whom i am thankful. you have done more for me than you will ever know.

First Steps

OK, I have to admit something to you all. I have gained weight. Ugh. A year ago, before my divorce, I looked awesome. I kept my weight off for nearly a year. I started packing back on the pounds in February. Ugh.

I was in denial for most of the summer. I can no longer afford denial.

So, I called a very famous dieting group and I'll be starting my diet next Monday. I'm excited to get back on track, start feeling better about myself and get some of this weight off.

This time I'm not doing it for my husband, a boy friend, my mother, etc. I am doing this for me.

I would like to lose 40 pounds. That would put me at a weight 15 pounds less than I was last summer.

So, join me on this journey. I appreciate all your support and kind words (should you have any).

Take care, dear readers. It is time to lighten up.

Closed for Renovations

I have had a very strange year. Ups, downs; highs, lows. All to get here.

I was out running the other day and had the very literal sensation that my heart was opening up. That maybe I am ready to let someone in again. I have a lot to give the right person and while I was dating this summer in the name of finding that someone - it was never going to happen. My heart was closed. Shut. Locked. Down for renovations.

And now it seems the renovations may have been completed because the doors are opening up.

I had two very good dates this weekend. I hope (and think I will) see both men again. I let go and just enjoyed myself with them. No pushing for something more; no self-loathing or self-doubt. Just had fun.

And it felt good.

Take care, dear readers - my heart has reopened.

Food, Shelter, Love - In That Order

I have done and am doing some very, very foolish things in the name of finding love. I shake my head at myself and know what I am doing is foolish but I move forward with it anyway.

It makes me feel foolish and ashamed at times. I thought I was the only one doing these idiot things.

I have learned through some conversations lately that I am not the only one doing this foolish nonsense. Most of my friends are or have done similar foolish nonsense in the search for love.

This has led me to the hypothesis that the search for love, not the familial kind, but the happily ever after kind, is a human drive just as real as the search for food and shelter.

No, I'm not going to be applying for the Nobel Prize for this discovery because I am pretty sure that some other people have come to this conclusion first.

I just wanted you to know that I have come to the same conclusion!

Anyway....

Take care, dear readers I'm searching for love.

Thoughts on Dating

It is no secret that I have been on again/off again dating. I have mostly been meeting these men through internet sites - both match.com and eharmony.com. It is frustrating.

First, it is frustrating to realize that you are not going to meet men the way you used to - in class, at a party - knowing that everyone there is your age and single.

Second, it is frustrating to realize that not a single of your friends knows a single guy that is worth dating.

Third, you feel a bit like a piece of meat in a supermarket for everyone to peruse and either pick up or pass on.

And all of those frustrations are before the actual date!

There are a couple different kinds of men on those sites: the kind that is looking for a quick fuck and the kind that is looking to get married. There appears to be very few in between.

What is frustrating about actually meeting these people in person. First, you wonder where in hell they got those pictures? And why they said they were 6'0" when they are actually 5'7". But those things are superficial. As long as the mans looks don't totally turn my stomach, I'm OK. I am not a terribly superficial person as is evidenced by some of the men I've dated. It is more important to me that they are interesting and treat me well.

You have a lot of first dates on those sites. Very few second dates in my experience. I think this is for a couple reasons - first, people expect there to be an instant "click". At very few points in my life have I ever felt that instant click and when I have it ended miserably (T in Chicago, for instance). Most of my good relationships have grown out of friendships and the men have literally grown on me - I wasn't attracted to them at first but eventually their attitude, sense of humor and friendship endeared them to me (as was the case with J, S and A). So, I am not sure if it is possible for me to find what I'm looking for on a website where people are looking for the instant click.

Second, there are a plethora of options. Right now I am talking to about 6 guys. I imagine that each guy is talking to at least 2 girls. So, they show up at the date, don't feel an instant click and think - well, no big deal - I have the other girl. And they keep doing that because there are so many people on that site they figure they are going to find that instant click with someone so they chase and don't give the OK first dates a second chance.

But, ultimately, what most of us are looking for is someone that we enjoy spending our time with.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for better or for worse. This doesn't mean I'm getting out of the dating game just looking at it differently.

Take care, dear reader.

A Retrospective

I was thinking during my run/walk this morning about the saying, "that which does not kill you makes you stronger" in terms of the last year or so. I have had some really crippling bad times and some times where I was kidding myself that I felt better.

But looking back this morning with a clear head and a heart unburdened with grief (for either S or J) I was able to see how much I have grown in this past year. I was able to see what an incredible woman I am.

As I rounded a corner and headed down a hill, I was thinking about how I am about to start a really positive and exciting time of my life. All my choices are mine. And finally, unburdened of most of my grief, I am in a position to make the most of this opportunity.

And I must mention that I write this as A is playing fetch with the little black kitty. Too funny.

Life is good.

Take care, dear readers.

The Next Step

I haven't blogged much lately because, well, there hasn't been much to talk about. And this is not a bad thing. With an adjustment in medication and some serious therapy sessions, I have pulled myself out of the crippling depression that gripped me for most of October and my life is on a very normal, even keel.

Now moving forward. This step is hard. My crippling fear of failure may rear up to hold me back. But I have plans. Plans for my life and things I want to do that reflect no one's ambitions or desires but my own.

I think running as a goal is a holdover from my marriage - that is certainly a goal my ex would approve of - but it is not my goal, not my passion. Running a half marathon to prove him wrong is the wrong motivation. Not being a quitter, I'm still doing the half marathon - but I will walk some and run some. And be happy about that.

I've begun to wonder what I want from my life. I want to teach law classes at the technical college. Maybe just for a semester, but I want to try it. I want to take acting classes at the Alliance. I want to go to spin class again. I want to get up early and get things accomplished like I used to. My job is totally unsatisfying but I have a year before I vest so I have to stay. In that year I am really going to do all that I can to determine my next step.

I am going to work on decorating my house. Paint the walls the colors I want. Buy the accessories I want. Make it my haven.

Anyway, the point is that it looks like I'm about to take the next step. And I'm scared. And I'm excited. But most of all, I'm ready.

Take care, dear readers.