Bouncing Back

I had a "bad" day yesterday. I skipped my workout, drank some wine and ordered Moe's (my nemesis). Bad days happen. It is a matter of what you do when they happen. I refuse to let this be the beginning of any sort of downward spiral. I am up early this morning, and will be completing yesterday's workout today (strength training).

Getting back on track and not allowing one bad day to turn into one bad week to turn into a bad month. That is the key.

I'm feeling really good. My workouts are going well. My food choices (spare the Moe's breakdown) are going well. I do not crave french fries the way I did a week ago. I sleep better. I think better. My body is starting to look better (even if the damned scale won't cooperate).

All in all - it's a good day.

Take care, dear readers.

What do you need?

We spend a lot of time thinking about what we want from a romantic relationship - tall, dark, handsome, blah, blah, blah.

But we rarely think about what we really need from a romantic partner and/or relationship.

I have started to really give some thought to this - thanks to A and his constant posing of questions.

So here are things I NEED from a romantic partner:

1. Someone who is better than me at handling finances. I am just not good at it, this does not mean I am not interested in improving - but improving myself takes all the energy I have - I need a man who already has this down.

2. Someone who is emotionally stable. I am a pretty emotional and impulsive person. I need someone who can ride with those ebbs and flows and still be OK. And again, this does not get me off the hook for being a flake - clearly I need to improve here, but I will never be an emotional rock.

3. Someone who knows how to be encouraging without sounding critical. My ego, due to past relationships with men, is pretty fragile. I want a partner who will help me and encourage me to improve in a way that doesn't bruise my ego.

4. Someone who is not jealous of my time. I have a lot of great friends and am involved with my charity and hobbies. It is important to me to still be able to pursue these. And my romantic partner is welcome to join me - but I don't require that. I just need for him to be understanding that these things are important to me. In return, I will understand the same for him.

This is my burgeoning list of needs. I'll try to keep working on it.

Take care, dear readers.

Motivation

I was very active today - an hour of spin class and then later a four mile run. During my spin class I was thinking about my motivation for participating in the Ovarian Cycle. Our founder is highlighting snippets of the reasons people are participating in our newsletter. I am the president of the organization (there goes my anonymity) but I don't have to ride in the event. So, why am I doing it?

My relationship with exercise (and my body) has been complicated. J was a diet/exercise fanatic who not infrequently told me that I was "a reflection on him." This was a man who would often have me describe to him what I planned to wear to different occaisions with his friends or colleagues. Sometimes even asking me to try on the outfit so he could see how it looked before we went out (can you believe I did this?). Exercise was something I did either for him or to keep him off my back about how I looked. It got so bad that I would often pretend to go to the gym and eat fast food instead. The most passive-aggressive behavior in the history of the universe. This is my history with exercise and body image.

So I have to ask myself, what is my motivation to exercise now. Why am I participating in the Ovarian Cycle this year?

It isn't because I have a personal connection with the disease (thank God). I initially got involved because I enjoyed spin class and I wanted a challenge that J would not be a part of. Something that was mine. Last year I did it because it was what I do. I was still in divorce limbo and not yet ready to seek out and establish my own life. So I clung to pieces of my old life without reassigning new meaning or motivation.

This year I had a choice. I could just as easily have said that I am not riding. That I am just going to do the heavy lifting and volunteer work.

But I wanted to ride. I had the drive to ride. But why? The answer is simple. This time I am doing it for me. Every turn of the pedal makes me a stronger person - physically and emotionally. Every rotation of the fly wheel gets me closer to the new me. The me that values myself and my health enough to take care of it not because someone else is forcing me to, but because I want to. The me that wants to be strong and independent. And, truthfully, I want to prove to myself that I can do it under my own volition and motivation.

That is the answer today. The answer may be different in a week, a month, a year. But that is the beauty about your life - it is yours. And you can change your motivation and goals as you see fit.

Oh, and if you haven't donated to Ovarian Cycle yet - best hit up the website http://www.ovariancycle.org/) and get that done!

Take care, dear readers - I'm motivated.

Prioritization

I got my hair "did" today. After I got my hair done I came home and took a nap. I woke up in my bed alone (if one can be alone with a dog and two cats in bed with you) and was glad to be there alone. I have been glad every night this week to get in bed alone and to wake up alone. No one to bother me, no one to share covers with (except Stormy who is a considerable bed hog). I explained what I was going to do this evening to my hairdresser (me = basketball viewing; him = rubber fetish party) and was relieved to feel like my plans sounded better to me. A quiet afternoon at home and then an evening watching basketball with friends.

I have been presented with a great opportunity (I have mentioned this before), I have the opportunity to re-create my life. To examine each part of my life and decide whether I want to keep or chuck it.

And part of this opportunity is going to relate to prioritization. I often socialize, not because I want to, but because I am expected to be the social one. I need to do things because I want to do them and prioritize those things over things that other people want me to do.

After my first week back exercising I recognize how vital this is to my well being. Exercise, activity of any sort, absolutely MUST be a part of my life. I cannot let any temptation to socialize too much take that away from me. Because if I allow that to happen I will be back where I was a week ago - and that was not a good place.

Take care, dear readers. I'm headed out alone and will be coming home alone.

The Laws of Physics

Inertia is the principle that objects at rest tend to stay at rest and also that objects in motion tend to stay in motion.

I have been inert for about six months. Inert in my physical fitness, inert in my mental fitness and inert in my social growth.

This past weekend, with all its foibles, has spurred me on to create the life that I want. I want to be more active, I want to do things that do not revolve around food and wine (though I still love both), I want to be productive.

To that end, I started my half marathon training program this week. And yesterday, when every fiber of my being screamed at me to take a nap, I got on the treadmill and pounded out 3 miles. And I felt better for it.

This morning I woke up at 5:45am. Wally was in his crate whining (he's a dog, not a gimp that I keep chained up - google it, Mom). Normally, I'd roll over, go back to sleep until 7:30am or so. Instead, I popped out of bed, grabbed Wally and went for a 30 minute walk. Not because I had to exercise this morning (It's my scheduled day off) but because I just wanted to go for a walk with my dog.

So, it appears that I may have broken through the inertia and may have "momentum." I keep it in quotes because I am not sure that I am there yet. But I have my eye on the prize and am going to keep working for it because sitting on the couch just isn't that fun any more.

Take care, dear readers. I'm gaining momentum.

Breaking the Cycle

A is in the process of overhauling me as I have mentioned. He should probably charge me for this help.

Anyway, we had lunch in my office yesterday and he pinpointed a cycle that I get into - and he could not have pinpointed it any more accurately. It was all the stuff I know about myself but am afraid to admit sometimes even to myself and in my mind I didn't put it all together quite so well.

Now that I recognize this cycle and how it is keeping me from being the me I want to be - I am working on breaking the cycle. And today I did a good job. I really wanted something bad for me for lunch - but got something reasonable instead. I really wanted to take a nap instead of running my scheduled 3 miler - but I ran it. And now I feel pretty good about the day and the choices I made. I don't hate myself for eating poorly, for letting myself down by skipping a workout. I didn't allow a slip up to sabotage my entire day.

This is a good step forward for me.

I did something tragic this morning, however. I stepped on the scale. I was feeling good - feeling fitter and thought for sure some weight had come off. Nope. That is depressing.

But I am not letting it get me down. I know I am fitter. I can see my body changing just a little. I can see my face unbloat. I look better and feel better - and that is the point - not some numbers on a scale.

So, all in all - today was a good day.

Take care, dear readers - lets have another good one tomorrow!

Picky or Particular; Playing it Safe or Running Scared

I have been watching the show "Tough Love" on VH1. Generally I stay away from this kind of trash TV - or at least only indulge in it when it is featured on The Soup. Anyway, I am watching this show - it is about a matchmaker who is trying to get this group of women with a variety of dating issues to fix their issues and find a mate. I find it fascinating because clearly I have issues.

I think back on the men I have sent away - B (the neighbor/stalker), M (the actuary), and countless other men who I have passed on at one point or another in the past 18 months. Am I passing on them because there is something wrong with them? No, not really. Are they perfect? No. But am I perfect? Big NO! I say to myself that I am being "particular" when really what I am being is impossibly picky. Impossibly. B was a great guy - even with his showing up late thing (which he explained to me and was actually somewhat touching at the end of the discussion) - he ordered chinese food for me and even plated it for me and brought it to me.

M had been impossibly patient with me and in return for his patience he was pushed away any time he got close to me. And why? B/c he aggravated me. That is really all I can say. And I don't think he really aggravated me that badly, I was just scared of getting hurt or finding myself in a relationship with anyone even remotely like J that I just freaked. There was a couple of times when he reminded me of J (this is going to happen - these are all men...) and I freaked out and backed off.

I behaved badly in both instances. I got so much on my high horse that I wasn't willing to give either of these men a chance. A real chance. I didn't allow myself to let down my guard and just enjoy my time with them. I tensed up and freaked out.

I rationalize my behavior by saying that I am playing it safe. And while this is somewhat true, what I am really doing is running scared. Not letting anyone in b/c I am so terrified of being hurt again. Or of them finding out that I am not that great.

This is why I do so well with men who live in other states. I can keep up a certain communication and false intimacy without really having to feel threatened by an actual relationship.

Anyway, I suppose now that I know that things will be better. Or not. Who knows.

I always try to end these by saying something positive - that I've learned something. That I've grown somehow.

But I don't know how to end this entry. So I'll just end it.

Take care, dear readers.

Starting Over

I have done very little by way of physical fitness in the last 6 months. Yesterday was the start of my training for the Ludington Lake Stride - a race in Ludington, MI (near my family lake place where I spent time during the summers). I ran my first training run today - 3 miles. I finished it 14 minutes slower than my personal best.

But this is OK, unlike when I was running with (or for?) J I believed that walking at all during a run was sacrilege. I have since learned that it is not. And if walking a minute or so here and there makes the run more enjoyable for me - than I am doing it and will not apologize for it.

So, 3 miles down - 12 weeks to go.

Take care, dear readers.

The Cumulative Nature of the Human Experience

A pretty lofty title, huh? I'm pretty proud of it.

I was moping around last night under the sting of a recent rejection and it occurred to me that I was not really moping around about this rejection - but the cumulative nature of all the rejections in my lifetime. This rejection, if that is really what it was, was from a man I had not seen or heard from in nearly 3 months. And yet this rejection has me reeling.

But of course it doesn't. What has me reeling is the sting of rejections past - most significantly S and J - and then all the small rejections on the way. The men who don't call, who don't want to see you again. It may even be that you don't care about these men but the rejection hurts just the same. And all those rejections add up, so when you get another one (like this weekend) sometimes it is too much to handle.

And all the doubts and fears come back. Will anyone ever love me? Am I unlovable? Will I be alone forever?

I'm working, working, working on myself. And sometimes it feels just like running on a treadmill - lots of effort but I'm not getting anywhere. But just like running on a treadmill - I have faith that inch by inch things will change. My life will shift and I will come back into focus. I glimpse me every now and then, but like Alice's rabbit - the real me slips down a hole not to be seen again for a while.

Take care, dear readers. I'm chasing my rabbit.

Spring Cleaning

I have decided that from this moment until the end of April it is "me" month.

I will focus the entire month on doing things that make me happy and grow as an individual. I am focusing on fitness, diet, reading, pedicures, cooking for friends, etc.

I am going to avoid drinking. I am going to avoid dating (notice I didn't say no dating whatsoever). I am going to sleep well. I am going to wash my face before I go to bed. Shave my legs just for me.

I am going to start training for the Ludington half marathon.

I am going to focus on being the best me that I can be. I will let the rest of my life go on hold. For the next month I am my most important resoponsibility.

That - and getting my blackberry back.

Take care, dear readers. It is all about me.

Name 5 Things...

A told me that he is giving me a makeover - sort of a curb appeal meets extreme home makeover. Or somethng like that. He gave me an assignment. He told me to name 5 things that make me feel better, 5 things that make me sad, 5 things that get under my skin, 5 things that I do well and 5 things I want to change or improve in my life.

The one that really got me stuck was the 5 things that I do well. We never really think about what we do well. Or at least I do not. I sat down with my mother to try to finish my list. It is interesting to see yourself through others eyes.

This is what I came up with:

1. writing
2. making and maintaining friendships
3. speaking in public
4. fiercely loyal personally and professionally
5. problem solving

Those are pretty good things. Things to think about and hold on to. I hope to remember those things when I'm feeling hopeless and worthless.

Nearly 18 months after I left my husband, I am still learning, growng, suffering setbacks. But I feel ready to open up my heart and trust someone. Trust someone in a way that I haven't trusted anyone. I am ready for this. But I don't want to push.

I contacted the actuary on Friday. We got together last night. Dinner, drinks, etc. When he got here he told me that he was seeing someone but he wasn't sure where it was going. At that point I realized how much I had taken him for granted, pushed him away for no reason - or because I was afraid. Or maybe I just want what I can't have.

I am sorting this out. Sitting with this uncomfortable feeling I am having.

I don't know.

Take care, dear readers.

Be Careful What You Ask For...

So, I've been whining about meeting someone, wanting someone in my life.

I met a man about a month ago, he was nice, normal, decent looking and he liked me. I suppose that is the issue. He liked me too much. He moved quickly - wanted to spend lots of time with me. At first it felt good to have someone want to be with me. Then I realized I wasn't enjoying it. I didn't really like him. He was negative, always negative. Spoke only about the financial crisis. Blech. No fun. Even when we went out that was all he talked about. It was his version of small talk.

So, I am sending yet another man on his way.

I'm getting very good at breaking up. I'm also getting very good at being alone.

And I think those are both positive things.

Take care, dear readers.