Picky or Particular; Playing it Safe or Running Scared

I have been watching the show "Tough Love" on VH1. Generally I stay away from this kind of trash TV - or at least only indulge in it when it is featured on The Soup. Anyway, I am watching this show - it is about a matchmaker who is trying to get this group of women with a variety of dating issues to fix their issues and find a mate. I find it fascinating because clearly I have issues.

I think back on the men I have sent away - B (the neighbor/stalker), M (the actuary), and countless other men who I have passed on at one point or another in the past 18 months. Am I passing on them because there is something wrong with them? No, not really. Are they perfect? No. But am I perfect? Big NO! I say to myself that I am being "particular" when really what I am being is impossibly picky. Impossibly. B was a great guy - even with his showing up late thing (which he explained to me and was actually somewhat touching at the end of the discussion) - he ordered chinese food for me and even plated it for me and brought it to me.

M had been impossibly patient with me and in return for his patience he was pushed away any time he got close to me. And why? B/c he aggravated me. That is really all I can say. And I don't think he really aggravated me that badly, I was just scared of getting hurt or finding myself in a relationship with anyone even remotely like J that I just freaked. There was a couple of times when he reminded me of J (this is going to happen - these are all men...) and I freaked out and backed off.

I behaved badly in both instances. I got so much on my high horse that I wasn't willing to give either of these men a chance. A real chance. I didn't allow myself to let down my guard and just enjoy my time with them. I tensed up and freaked out.

I rationalize my behavior by saying that I am playing it safe. And while this is somewhat true, what I am really doing is running scared. Not letting anyone in b/c I am so terrified of being hurt again. Or of them finding out that I am not that great.

This is why I do so well with men who live in other states. I can keep up a certain communication and false intimacy without really having to feel threatened by an actual relationship.

Anyway, I suppose now that I know that things will be better. Or not. Who knows.

I always try to end these by saying something positive - that I've learned something. That I've grown somehow.

But I don't know how to end this entry. So I'll just end it.

Take care, dear readers.