A pretty lofty title, huh? I'm pretty proud of it.
I was moping around last night under the sting of a recent rejection and it occurred to me that I was not really moping around about this rejection - but the cumulative nature of all the rejections in my lifetime. This rejection, if that is really what it was, was from a man I had not seen or heard from in nearly 3 months. And yet this rejection has me reeling.
But of course it doesn't. What has me reeling is the sting of rejections past - most significantly S and J - and then all the small rejections on the way. The men who don't call, who don't want to see you again. It may even be that you don't care about these men but the rejection hurts just the same. And all those rejections add up, so when you get another one (like this weekend) sometimes it is too much to handle.
And all the doubts and fears come back. Will anyone ever love me? Am I unlovable? Will I be alone forever?
I'm working, working, working on myself. And sometimes it feels just like running on a treadmill - lots of effort but I'm not getting anywhere. But just like running on a treadmill - I have faith that inch by inch things will change. My life will shift and I will come back into focus. I glimpse me every now and then, but like Alice's rabbit - the real me slips down a hole not to be seen again for a while.
Take care, dear readers. I'm chasing my rabbit.
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