Back to Basics

I experienced a very interesting moment this week. I felt as though I had hit the bottom of all the break up crap and pushed off and am now emerging a stronger person.

I spent this past weekend with a good friend of mine in Cleveland. It is always a good idea to get together with an old friend who knew you when you were young, idealistic, strong, not yet beaten down by marriage/divorce/heartbreak/job, etc. It is always good to see the you that is in there, under all the other crap, reflected in the eyes of an old friend.

It puts you back on track. Reminds you who you are, at the core. The you that you will always return to being.

I have succumbed to all this self-pity. I have given S far more power over my emotions and my life than he deserves.

I was on the flight home this afternoon and listened to a song that would have previously set me off into a crying fit. But today was different. I heard the song, and I did cry, but not because I was sad. I cried because once again I have faced the demons and prevailed. I am strong. I will not be broken.

I cried because I was proud of myself and the work I have done and am doing.

(and no, none of this has anything to do with the fact that some 28 year old thinks I'm hot...)

Take care, dear readers. I'm back to me.

Feeling Loved

My birthday was yesterday (I turned 35) and my friend hosted a birthday happy hour for me. There were about 15 people there. New friends - like J, A, and A. Old friends - like L, C, G and S. I looked around and thought how blessed and loved I am that all these people would come out to celebrate with me.

These are people who love and care about me. Many of them have stood by me through my marriage, the end of it, this most recent heartbreak and all the mindless things I have done (and am about to do) afterwards. They have seen me at my best. They have seen me at my worst (bawling like a baby at The Cure concert - sorry G). And they still give of their time and heart to me. They text me to make sure I'm OK after a particularly bad evening. They are protective of me.

I am so lucky, so privileged to have found all these people. Without them I'd have nothing, with them I have everything.

Take care dear readers, I am loved.

Chasing The Dragon

I started re-reading On My Own last night. And I had a mini-revelation. What I miss about S is the beginning of our relationship when everything was great and we were having so much fun. That has been gone for 4-5 months, replaced by a relationship that was fraught with uncertainty on my end and a need for distance on his. That relationship is not one I want to return to and the relationship I am mourning is long gone.

So, here is the revelation. I would rather be alone than worry about whether I am going to do/say something to make him need distance and not speak to me for days. That kind of uncertainty made me crazy and only escalated my level of clinginess/neediness thereby feeding his need for distance and on and on and on. Clearly that was untenable.

So, being alone is hard but I will no longer chase the dragon. The dragon is gone, and mourning and chasing and trying to keep him is not the answer.

Take care, dear readers. I'll be alone.

Madame President

Tonight I was elected President of the Board of the Ovarian Cycle. I'm flattered and overwhelmed! I hope I live up to the challenge!

Who Am I? What Am I Worth?

These are very serious questions with which I am grappling. Society has beaten it into our thick skulls that we, as women, are not worth anything without being loved/desired by a man. My therapist said that to me the other day and I told her that sounds stupid.

And it does sound stupid. Do you think men are wandering around wondering whether they are worth anything because they don't have a woman in their lives? I highly doubt it. Mostly they are scratching their stomachs and wondering what is for dinner.

So why have we, as women, put our entire self worth into the hands of the opposite sex? For the record, this is a rhetorical question - there are historical, sociological, physiological reasons for this phenomenon. But I believe that sitting here in 2008 we are beyond all that. Or should be.

I know we are not over it because today a coworker who is also divorced asked me how I was doing. She then asked if I was dating anyone. Basically - do I have a man. This mattered to her. So interesting how we can victimize and enslave ourselves.

I have to be honest - for the last 13 years of my life I've had a man in my life. It may or may not have been the right man, but it was a man. And that made me feel safe and validated. Now I don't have a man in my life (and no prospects either). So I'm feeling a little bit unmoored, unsure, unloved. This makes me sound so ridiculous and, dear readers, it hurts and embarrasses me to even write it.

My therapist is reading The Art of Being A Woman Alone (at my suggestion) and she has suggested that I re-read the book. I pulled it off my bookshelf yesterday and will begin that journey again. The last time I took that journey, you'll remember, S and I had broken up kinda/sorta. I fully believed after that breakup that we would get back together (and I was at least partially right). That gave me a sort of safety net to use while on this journey.

This time is different. I don't believe S and I will get back together (not in the foreseeable future, at least - I'm not going to pretend to know what the future holds for me and I'll never say never). So I have no safety net. I am truly a woman alone.

OK, not alone. I have a great support network made up of men and women who truly care about me. Sometimes it is overwhelming and beyond touching to realize how much these people care for me (and me for them). Sometimes I don't think I deserve it. But I'm lucky. I have it. And they'll help me answer the questions in the title. And I'll be OK.

You know why? Because there really isn't any choice.

Take care, dear readers.

Sabotage!!!!

If you had any doubt that I was either a) bat shit crazy or b) not ready to date, this anecdote should put those doubts at ease.

I went on one final date last night (yes, I said Monday was the last one, but this guy was in the pipeline at the time - this one really is the last one). I met him at a restaurant for drinks. He was good looking, well dressed, had a nice personality, and best of all there was some actual chemistry. Things were going fine. Then it all went off the rails. I sabotaged myself. I noticed that he was not talking as much as I was, so I tried to be quiet to allow him some room to talk. And he didn't. And then that bothered me. And then I started thinking about S and the day we sat on this very patio and had such a fantastic time. Then we got the check, I put in half of the money and abruptly got up and left. He told me that I needed change and I told him to keep it.

I have no idea what this poor man was left thinking. When I stopped talking he probably thought I was shutting down and didn't want to talk to him anymore. And then when I abruptly got up to leave - what a slap in the face.

I am such an IDIOT! Here was a perfectly nice, good looking, funny man and I treat him like shit. Charming. Just fucking charming.

I am a mess on the dating scene and all Atlanta singles would be better off if I just excused myself for a while...

On an up note - I really wanted to email S last night to wish him luck on the ALJ job. But I didn't. And I'm proud of myself for that.

On another up note - break ups appear to be great for weight loss...

And finally, I put in an application for a cocker spaniel/king cavalier mix puppy - one of 247 that were rescued from a puppy mill in Jackson Co. Cross your fingers for me!

Take care dear readers, I will be cutting Atlanta singles a break...

Closure

After writing my thoughts about my karmic hell yesterday (and after Dr. O suggested it), I sat down and wrote my exhusband a letter telling him how sorry I am that I did not leave the marriage in a more mature way. I told him he deserved better and that it was my one real regret in life.

Notice that I am not sorry for the divorce - I just wish I had handled it better.

I did not receive forgiveness, I wasn't expecting it. However, he did tell me to stop worrying about it - and that is close enough.

And so with that, I put closure on my marriage.

Until something else comes up...

Take care dear readers, I am trying to decide between getting a puppy and a full grown dog ...

My Own Karmic Hell

If you had asked me a year ago whether I believed in karma, I would have answered definitely not. Ask me the same question today and I will answer definitely yes!

As I've whined here in these pages, my exbf (S) broke up with me just over a week ago. In an email. After a week of minimal communication. I was devastated. I felt like less than nothing - how could you just throw away someone you cared about so easily? Like throwing out the trash. I deserved better.

And then it hit me. That was the way I left my marriage. I don't regret leaving my husband, it was the right thing to do - for both of us. I do, however, regret how I did it. My ex deserved better from me. And I left my marriage in the most cowardly way possible. I don't like to travel in regrets and this is my only one. I wish I had been stronger and given my ex the courtesy of explaining to him face to face why I was leaving. I am sorry that I have caused him unnecessary pain. That really weighs on my heart.

Anyway, I'm on my own now. I have one final date tonight and then I'm finished. It is time for me to start dating myself. Treating myself well. My life is an open book with minimal limitations. It is time to find out who I am alone. What do I enjoy doing? Who do I enjoy spending time with? After I sit with my aloneness for a while, maybe then I'll consider dating.

Take care, dear readers. I'll be paying my penance.

Decisions...

I have made a decision. Dating is not for me right now. I'm not in the right space. I have some wounds to heal. I'm tired. I need to rejuvenate, find myself and move on.

Take care, dear readers. I'll be licking my wounds.

What I've Learned....

For those of you familiar with Atlanta sports radio, a talk show host named Steak Shapiro has a bit he does where he talks about what he has learrrrrrrned. So here is my version of that.

I have learned several things this week.

First, dating sucks. When I was married it looked fantastically glamorous and interesting - a parade of sexy, amusing, interested people to spend time with. Well, it is no where near that. It is a parade of fucked up people that you wouldn't ordinarily spend any time with at all but for the fact that you would like to date someone. I joined a dating web site and it is hard.

Second, if you must date follow some simple rules. First, the initial date should be no longer than 2 hours. Second, no first dates on the weekend nights. You will just feel like you wasted an evening that would have been better spent with friends. Third, if a man does not have a picture of him smiling on a website his teeth are jacked up. And fourth, dating less than a week after having your heart broken is probably not a good idea.

I went on a first date tonight. I knew it was wrong before I met him. He was driving a passat station wagon. What 37 year old single man without kids chooses to drive a station wagon? But I said to myself - are you the kind of girl who will turn her nose up at a perfectly decent man because he drives a station wagon? I refused to believe that I was and bucked myself up for the date. It was awful. He was OK but reminded me of my best friend in high school - decidedly unsexy. I abruptly said I wanted to leave at halftime of the game. He wanted to know if he did anything wrong - I answered honestly - he didn't. But he will never see or hear from me again.

I am not in the right place to date. I could meet someone now that would otherwise be fantastic and I would do nothing but compare them to S., or J. for that matter.

I am sure you are saying - "duh! we all knew you weren't ready." But keep in mind that I have had a man in my life as best friend/partner for the last 13 years and not having one is a bit of an adjustment.

My friend G's words constantly ring in my head - it is very rare that you find a mind/body connection with someone. I have had that twice and it has left me twice. I yearn to find it again.

So this is where I'm at. Lonely and hurt and sad. But I know what makes me happy - my friends. I will stick with them.

Take care, dear readers.

I Am Woman - Hear Me Roar!

My friends have been organizing a betting pool regarding how long it would take me before I got a lawn service to mow my lawn for me. Well, I think they are all going to be losers (certainly the people that said I would only last 5 minutes...)!

I mowed my lawn tonight for the first time. The lines aren't straight but I missed most of the important stuff (like the poison ivy farm that I am hoping will soon be profitable). And, most importantly, for the most part the grass (read weeds) looks shorter!

Now we won't discuss the fact that I couldn't figure out how to work my gas can or the fact that my mower has an electric start. We will focus on the fact that I faced down the yard and I WON!
I am also about to embark on a fabulous challenge/opportunity. I was asked tonight to act as President of the nonprofit on whose Board I currently sit. I think this is the right opportunity at the right time. I have considerable energy and passion and I would benefit from somewhere to place that energy/passion. Additionally, it has been a while since I have taken a leadership role like this and I am feeling that it is time. It was incredibly flattering to be asked and I am dedicated to fulfill this role well.

So, dear readers, take care. I'll be researching how long it takes for poison ivy to start itching...

Getting My Groove Back

Something about a break up makes you start thinking all kinds of negative thoughts about yourself - what if I were thinner, prettier, smarter, wittier, played the games better, hid my feelings more?

Those are useless thoughts. I am who I am and the exbf knew me well enough to either accept me and what I had to offer or not. He chose not. That's fine.

So now I'm working to get my groove back. I went on a date last night. It was a resounding OK. He was nice enough, good looking enough, and surprisingly wants to see me again (I actually yawned during the date - I was exhausted, I've had a big couple weeks...). But nothing was clicking and unfortunately thoughts of the exbf creeped in (I met the date somewhere that the exbf and I had been before and where he swears, though he is wrong, that he told me he loved me for the first time).

Anyway, I need to get my groove back. I think I need to date a player. Players are good at dating, good at getting what they want (generally sex), and can flatter you silly. I think I need a little bit of that right now - just to get me back on my feet and ready to date genuine nice guys again. A player emailed me out of the blue yesterday (not off a dating site, btw) and I am thinking I may need to play in that pond for a little bit. I am under no delusions that anything this man says is true - but, damn, it's nice to hear them again. It's been a while.

So, take care dear reader, I'll be swimming with the sharks.

Fake It Til You Make It

I took some time this morning to review my blog entires up to this date. They reminded me of something very important. I am an amazingly strong, courageous, and beautiful woman. I care deeply about my friends and my community. I am charming and funny, smart and successful. I deserve to be happy.

That doesn't mean that I am always happy. There will be days, like today, when I miss the exbf a great deal. There will be days, like yesterday, when I feel pretty good about my life.

So, from here on out I'm going to try and focus on the positive aspects of my life: great friends, great family, great new house, great cats (except at 4:30am when the older cat wants to go out - I think he's developed a crush on the neighbor cat).

I am also going to fake happiness until I actually get happy. And after the year I've had I SOOOOOOOO deserve to be happy.

Take care dear readers - I'll be faking it til I make it.

Learning from the past.

So I said I was looking for what I could learn from this most recent difficult situation.

And I think I have learned at least one thing. When a man says they don't want a serious relationship - take them at their word. They don't. No matter what they say about your future - what you should do (take them to Food 101), where you should go (UGA game). If a man says they don't want a relationship - they don't. You can't convince them. You can't love them into it. It won't happen, no matter what good intentions you have or what good vibes you feel.

I have also learned that memory is like a lingering lightning strike. I went to Two Urban Licks with my friend who is leaving tomorrow and all I could think about is the exbf. (it was one of our first dates) And then I heard a song that reminded me of the exbf. Ugh.

But don't fear, I'm doing OK.

Take care, dear reader - we'll avoid lightning together.

Learning My Lesson

I like to take something from every experience in my life - especially the very difficult ones. I am currently trying to figure out what I can take from my recent break up. I am at a bit of a loss.

So keep watching this space and hopefully I'll come up with something!

What I do know is that my life is about to slow down significantly. My roommate moves out on Wednesday and I no longer have a significant other. I have all the time in the world to be still, reconnect with myself. Reinvent myself perhaps. I have an opportunity to live the life I envision for myself. Of course first I have to figure out what that vision looks like!

I may date, I may not. I may concentrate on building my friendships, I may spend many nights alone. I may apply for a new job, I may not. My life is a blank slate just waiting for me to write on it.

Take care, dear reader, I'm sharpening my pencil...

Another Chapter

So as of today the sorta/kinda ex is officially an ex. He isn't the ex because that distinction will always go to my exhusband.

Anyway, turn the page. There is another chapter to write.

Take care dear readers.

Is It Possible?

Is it possible to feel love from an inanimate object?

This past week has been very difficult for me - I have suffered both personal and professional losses. In the midst of all this, however, something very exciting was happening - I closed on my very first home.

For the last 10 months I have been living in some sort of temporary housing - a friends house, a hotel, a condo. Now I have my own forever home.

I moved in yesterday. It was hot as blazes, I was depressed from my week, and just did not feel like doing much. I got the main items set up, sent my mother home and retired to my bed (not yet made) to wait for Comcast (long story there) and the washer/dryer delivery people. Despite the stress and sadness, I drifted to sleep.

Last night, around 11pm, I again retired to my bedroom (this time the bed was made - clean sheets, too!). My bedroom feels like a big calming hug. I was worried that I would be frightened living in a free standing home all by myself. But I wasn't frightened at all. The vibe I got from the house was that it loved me and would keep me safe.

So, dear reader, is it possible to feel loved (and to love) an inanimate object? I am not sure either way but what I do know is that I love my new house and I could swear it loves me, too.

Take care.

Justice

I am an attorney (which I think was clear before). I believe in the system. I believed (especially in my youth) that we had the best process ever to determine the truth. Today I was completely stripped of those beliefs.

I watched an attorney who completely disregarded the testimony in trial weave an argument so absurd, in my opinion, that everyone could see through it.

Except the jury.

Have we watched too many movies? Have we seen LA Law, Boston Legal, Ally McBeal too many times? Do we think the person that wins should be the flashiest? Are we even listening?

I worry about juries. I worry about their decision making process. Every jury trial I have ever been involved in has hinged on something so irrelevant, so insignificant that you were shocked they even grasped it (this has been for when I have won and lost).

Today I lost to a liar. No two ways about it.

Yes, that sounds harsh. But trial is like war. Maybe a "civil" war but war nonetheless. And today I was the casualty. I was told I litigated in "bad faith." If you're an attorney you understand that is a very serious indictment. Ugh.

And why did we lose? I am not allowed, in my position, to speak in court (it's a political thing), but we lost because we were not willing to make the case into a character assassination of the plaintiff. I knew dirt on her, knew we could get it in but we decided to stay on point and leave the dirt out. How did that work out for us?

Um, not so well.

I like to leave these blogs on an upnote, but there is no upnote tonight. We got fucked in court by liars. And I don't see an upside in that.

Take care, dear readers.

We're all just doing the best we can.

"I ran as hard as I could and still ended up here but it's alright." - Indigo Girls

I quote from the Indigo Girls so liberally I probably owe them some money. But they speak to me. They speak to my hurt, my growth, my desires, my strivings.

I have quoted this line to myself a thousand times. I've tried as hard as I could and still I ended up in this painful place - but its alright. I'll get out. I'll survive. I'm bigger than the things that happen to me. I have a life that is worth something. I am worth loving. You don't treasure me - that's fine. I'll treasure me. I am worth it. I am strong. Much stronger than you think. Just because I show weakness does not mean I am weak. Don't mistake my heart and caring for weakness. You have no idea what I can do. What I can endure. You have no idea.

I am stronger than you will ever know.

Take care, dear reader. I'm fine.

Overcoming Emotional Memory

Your emotions have a memory. A long memory. They remember the times you were hurt and they remembered how to cope. They remember being unhappy in your life and that they coped by heading underground.

I have never been in a war, or near a war (unless hiking on Kennesaw Mountain counts), so I don't want to overplay this. I don't want it to sound like I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or anything clinical like that. But my emotions have recently reminded me of their capacity to remember things. And I was surprised.

Before I left my marriage I was incredibly unhappy in my own home. I couldn't relax, I felt controlled, I felt taken advantage of, I felt.... Well, actually I felt nothing. That was how I dealt with it. Because feeling something was very hard and very dangerous - if I allowed myself to feel something it was really mostly hurt and depression. Neither of which is terribly fun to feel.

I have once again, entirely by my own actions this time, placed myself in a position where I feel I can't relax in my own home, where I feel taken advantage of, where I fell.... Well, where I feel nothing. I have shifted into survival mode because I have invited a friend to stay with me for six weeks (and work with me...). This friend has done nothing wrong. It is just that the situation is so reminiscent of the end of my marriage that I am beside myself miserable.

I didn't put two and two together until today with Dr. O. I should have. Looking back over the last five weeks I have withdrawn into myself. I haven't written, I've kept myself uber busy to avoid feeling anything. The tendrils of depression crept back in. I am exhausted. I can't sleep enough. I don't do my hair any more - I just put it up in a bun. I take no time with makeup, clothes, jewelry - I just don't care the way I used to.

The first step, I believe, in defeating or retraining this emotional memory is to recognize it for what it is. This feeling that I have right now is not about my current situation but my emotions are likening it back to the end of my marriage. This situation will end in just over a week - there is light at the other side of the tunnel. I am strong enough - I can get there.

And in the meantime something remarkable is happening. I am closing on my first home tomorrow. The home I lived in with my ex-husband was not my home and that fact was made clear to me fairly often. This home is all mine.

I just got back from sitting on the back porch at my house (I don't have keys yet...). I sat there and looked around the backyard and imagined my friends, family, pets and other random loved ones visiting me. Grilling on the back deck. Christmas tree in the front room. Baths in the bathtub. Mornings pulling weeds and doing other gardening. This is the home that will be all mine. My haven from all the craziness of the world. Mine. And I know this sounds crazy, but I am so proud of myself. This is something I never believed I could pull off (something I was told I could not). And yet here I am.

I will not let my emotional memory steal this glory from me.

Take care, dear readers....