I started re-reading On My Own last night. And I had a mini-revelation. What I miss about S is the beginning of our relationship when everything was great and we were having so much fun. That has been gone for 4-5 months, replaced by a relationship that was fraught with uncertainty on my end and a need for distance on his. That relationship is not one I want to return to and the relationship I am mourning is long gone.
So, here is the revelation. I would rather be alone than worry about whether I am going to do/say something to make him need distance and not speak to me for days. That kind of uncertainty made me crazy and only escalated my level of clinginess/neediness thereby feeding his need for distance and on and on and on. Clearly that was untenable.
So, being alone is hard but I will no longer chase the dragon. The dragon is gone, and mourning and chasing and trying to keep him is not the answer.
Take care, dear readers. I'll be alone.
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