Who Am I? What Am I Worth?

These are very serious questions with which I am grappling. Society has beaten it into our thick skulls that we, as women, are not worth anything without being loved/desired by a man. My therapist said that to me the other day and I told her that sounds stupid.

And it does sound stupid. Do you think men are wandering around wondering whether they are worth anything because they don't have a woman in their lives? I highly doubt it. Mostly they are scratching their stomachs and wondering what is for dinner.

So why have we, as women, put our entire self worth into the hands of the opposite sex? For the record, this is a rhetorical question - there are historical, sociological, physiological reasons for this phenomenon. But I believe that sitting here in 2008 we are beyond all that. Or should be.

I know we are not over it because today a coworker who is also divorced asked me how I was doing. She then asked if I was dating anyone. Basically - do I have a man. This mattered to her. So interesting how we can victimize and enslave ourselves.

I have to be honest - for the last 13 years of my life I've had a man in my life. It may or may not have been the right man, but it was a man. And that made me feel safe and validated. Now I don't have a man in my life (and no prospects either). So I'm feeling a little bit unmoored, unsure, unloved. This makes me sound so ridiculous and, dear readers, it hurts and embarrasses me to even write it.

My therapist is reading The Art of Being A Woman Alone (at my suggestion) and she has suggested that I re-read the book. I pulled it off my bookshelf yesterday and will begin that journey again. The last time I took that journey, you'll remember, S and I had broken up kinda/sorta. I fully believed after that breakup that we would get back together (and I was at least partially right). That gave me a sort of safety net to use while on this journey.

This time is different. I don't believe S and I will get back together (not in the foreseeable future, at least - I'm not going to pretend to know what the future holds for me and I'll never say never). So I have no safety net. I am truly a woman alone.

OK, not alone. I have a great support network made up of men and women who truly care about me. Sometimes it is overwhelming and beyond touching to realize how much these people care for me (and me for them). Sometimes I don't think I deserve it. But I'm lucky. I have it. And they'll help me answer the questions in the title. And I'll be OK.

You know why? Because there really isn't any choice.

Take care, dear readers.