I Don't Know Who To Be Mad At

I hate ending sentences in prepositions - but it happened, and I've heard it's OK now so I'm going to live with it.

Again, digressing...

I sat with A the other day explaining to him why I wanted to run this half marathon. Every time I really start talking about it I tear up. But I was explaining to him how J was never at the end of a race for me. We ran half marathons together but he'd get sick of my pace, run ahead and finish first. The last half marathon we ran in Vegas he went back up to the room after he finished. I finished alone. Every race I ever ran, he was never there at the end to hug me and tell me what a great job I did. It makes me tear up just thinking about it.

Sitting across from me in my office, A said something interesting. He said to me - "this is one of those times where I don't know whether to be mad at him or mad at you."

He has said that to me before. And what he is saying, I think, is that he doesn't understand why I would put up with that and he is mad that I don't stand up for myself or didn't believe I was worth more. And he's right. Hearing it from him I can see how stupid I was to take some of that. Amazing when you get a glimpse of yourself through someone else's (less critical) eyes.

I sat with another friend, L, this past Sunday. And I was recounting my breakup with S (we hadn't talked since then). In a weak moment I admitted that I still had feelings for S and that, I am aggravated with myself for it. After hearing the breakup and aftermath story he asked me - why don't you think you deserve better than what he gave you? What are you getting out of holding on to this?

I know what it is. It goes back to the dad thing. I chase and chase and chase after male affection. If it comes too easily it is not believable.

Yes, I understand this is stupid. Male friends like A, L, G are all helping me see that. I have amazing things to offer and I shouldn't have to chase. There are moments - like the night out with B, when I told her "I don't chase, I get chased" - that I seem to get it. But there are other moments when I revert back. Luckily there are more "chase me" moments than there are "I want to chase."

I have had a nice run. I feel good. But to think all is "fixed" is unrealistic. I feel good, but I'm still working. And I'll continue to work.

Take care, dear readers. I'll see you at the finish line.

Going Organic

Push, push, push.

I am impatient and impulsive. Not the worlds best combination. I want what I want and I want it NOW, if not yesterday.

Apply this to dating and you have a royal mess. A girl looking desperately for a relationship (that quite honestly she does not need right now) and buzzing through men like toilet paper looking for the right fit. I push. I push. I push. Because I'm impulsive if that person doesn't fit immediately, I blow right through to the next person.

This is making the search feel hopeless and running into J with his new girlfriend yesterday didn't help any. Why can he find a relationship and I can't? How come he can move on? Not to mention the fact that I could tell that he hasn't changed at all. All the things that made me crazy about him, they were all still there. H walked 6 feet in front of her, running from chili stand to chili stand - barely looking back to make sure she was there. That always made me feel like shit. like a second class citizen.

But I digress.

Love is organic. It cannot be forced. You will not find it when you are looking for it.

So, I'm backing off. Officially today. I am again done looking for dates. That does not mean I am done dating. I am done searching.

I am going to sit back and let my life happen organically.

Take care, dear readers.

The Biggest Bitch Walking

Last night I had two dates. Not the two I thought I had, but two nonetheless. First one was OK. Second one was awful. I left him at the bar with a full beer. I was finished. I had no desire at all to sit there and make small talk with this man who turned me off in every way. Perhaps if the cute bartender had stayed, but I digress....

Today I had a date with the actuary. I was kinda looking forward to it. But after 5 hours I started to get pissy. I just wanted him gone. I wanted him to go home so I could sit in front of the TV and watch football, drink wine, fall asleep, blog - anything but be with him.

I refuse to spend an evening in a way I don't want to spend it. If he had stayed I would have been miserable. He would have felt it. No one would have been happy and it would have been a perfectly good Saturday down the drain.

I have been unhappy enough in my life that I refuse to do it again. And I refuse to apologize.

If being a bitch means knowing what I want - then I'm the biggest bitch on earth.

Take care, dear readers.

It Takes A Village

I was pondering my last year while on the airplane to visit a dear friend of mine (why do I ponder so much on airplanes?). And a thought kept recurring in my little head:

It Takes a Village to Raise a Diva (or me).

Every single person that has come into or touched my life in the last year (and likely longer) has taught me an important lesson or helped me over an important hurdle.

Initially, it was LK. She was the first person I turned to when I thought I was going to leave my husband. I was terrified to tell her, terrified of what she would think of me. I can still remember where we were sitting when I told her. And she just looked at me calmly and told me her only concern was that I was happy. Her reaction gave me the strength I needed to go get happy. It was not long after that conversation that I left my house. LK also saved my butt this past weekend when I left my keys in my dear friends car - 1000 miles away.

Then there was CD. Again, I was afraid to tell CD. In fact at the beginning I only hinted to her what was going on - I merely told her my husband and I were having "problems" and that I might need somewhere to stay for a while. Without asking a single question beyond whether I was OK - she offered up her basement bedroom/bathroom. This was where I stayed, licked my wounds, stretched my legs and started to find out what it was like to be me again. I look back at the time I lived in her home very fondly. I love to go over and visit - it smells just like that time - when I was feeling empowered and strong for having taken that first step. Throughout this entire process CD has been patient with me - listening to me cry about S for the umpteen millionth time. Watching me struggle, watching me succeed.

BC has also been a steadfast friend. But mostly she taught me what it was like to be a friend back. She has had boyfriend troubles and I recently had the opportunity to be the friend to someone else that CD and LK were to me. What a gift. From BC I learned that not only do I have amazing friends, I am also an amazing friend. A strong woman who can carry her friends in times of need.

Even S has taught me something. He taught me that it is possible for me to have a love much bigger than the one I had with my exhusband. He taught me to be introspective. He taught me to be more careful with people's emotions - to not take people for granted. He also taught me to recognize when something is over and to let it go.

My mother has been amazing. Always steadfast and supportive - sometimes nosy and asking more questions than I want to answer at the time. But the unconditional love I get from her is worth its weight in gold.

TR - my friend from Cleveland - who shook me after my break up and reminded me of the girl I was back when. That visit was the beginning of my rebound back to human.

GR - who has given me the proverbial kick in the pants at times. Who is always willing to listen, commiserate, drink wine and give great advice.

AD - he taught me that I'm still attractive. I'm still fun. I'm still capable of being girlfriend material. Now he's teaching me that I have the motivation to do what it is that I want to do - I am not a quitter, I do not lack discipline.

And so many other people that have shared their stories and heartaches with me or who have listened supportively to my stories and heartache. I could never have done it without you. I am here, in this really great place, because of you.

I love each and every one of you. And I hope that someday I can even pay back a little of what you gave me.

Take care, dear readers. I'm all growed up.

Ode to 30-something Women

A couple weeks ago a friend depressed me by saying that most men "my age" are interested in 20 year old women.

Now, pulled out of my funk and with a new attitude - I wonder why this upset me at all.

A) I don't want to be a 20-something woman again. Filled with all the fear and doubt and not understanding myself, my career, my life, my friends. and B) I don't want to date men "my age" who would rather be with these women.

30-somethings have it all over these women.

Sure, we may not (or may) be as taut as those women in the body. But we are "taut" where it counts.

We know what we want. We have no need to play games with anyone's heart. We are honest, forthcoming, and know ourselves well enough to know what works for us. And what doesn't.

We have our own. Our own career, our own homes, our own money, our own social group, our own friends. We won't suck off yours or try to hold you back. We won't whine when you have to work late or want to hang with your friends as long as you don't whine when we do the same - because we will.

We aren't going to use you. We have everything we need. We have money, friends, etc. We don't expect you to pay. Bottom line, we don't think dollars drip from mens penises. We are grateful and flattered when you do choose to pay because we know what it means to earn our own money.

We are unbelievably beautiful. This beauty goes beyond low cut shirts, high heels and size 0 baby doll dresses. We have the beauty of women who are happy with themselves, who have learned their lessons. The beauty of women content with their lives. We can take or leave you. We would love to have you as part of our lives but we don't need you. We're beyond that. All we need is our friends, our families, our careers, our causes. We are already fulfilled. We aren't looking for our other half. We are looking for another whole to compliment us.

And if this scares you and makes you want to run to the 20-somethings. So be it.

Take care, dear readers. I'm already whole.

All is Calm

After a whirlwind of social activity and on the cusp of another whirlwind, I sit here at home. Quietly enjoying the evening. Watching TV, doing laundry, thinking I should probably clean the house but choosing to play on the computer instead.

Normal stuff that everyone does.

I didn't cry. I didn't drink. I didn't overeat (well, at least I resisted the Moe's temptation).

My jaw has remained unclenched. I feel relaxed. I'm looking forward to my run tomorrow morning.

I'm tired. I'm looking forward to getting into bed and reading my book.

After a year of crazy ups and downs - I feel like a normal person tonight.

And that is making me smile.

Take care, dear readers.

Closer to Fine

"The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine." - Indigo Girls

If you have been following my blog for any period of time you know how much the music and lyrics of the Indigo Girls have meant to me over the past year. This month marks a certain anniversary. I left my husband exactly one year ago this month.

I look back at the past year and so much has happened. So much strife, pain, and work, hard, hard work. I've wanted nothing more than to get "my" life back. But the trouble has always been - I don't know what my life looks like quite yet. And I certainly didn't know a year ago. It is impossible to get back to something when you don't know what it is.

I went to see the Indigo Girls last night. I was sitting there, under a clear blue sky, with two good friends, surrounded by a crowd of strong, independent women, and listening to my heartache being sung by these two amazing women. I was sure I'd cry - fall apart like I did at the Cure concert.

But I didn't. Something remarkable happened. I realized, for the first time in months, my jaw wasn't clenched. My body was relaxed. I was calm.

Surrounded by friends and looking forward to the possibilities my life holds - I felt closer to fine.

Take care, dear readers.

The Veil Has Lifted

I have been so, so busy this past week. I've added running to my routine and got all three of my runs in despite being out of town for work two nights this week. Of course, I was traveling with my coach so it was hard not to avoid.

Anyway, something very magical happened this week. I stopped thinking about S. I didn't even realize it. Then I realized that he just wasn't coming to mind. How freeing that was.

And then I got my groove back a little bit while out of town. I socialized and hobnobbed and flirted with the presidents. I haven't done that in a while. And they are all so nice to me. They told me I'm beautiful, that S outkicked his coverage, that I was out of his league, etc. I ate it up.

So, here I am, feeling pretty good about my life as the veil that has clouded my vision has lifted.

I have a busy, social/active weekend, so....

Take care, dear readers, I'm seeing clearly now.

Running on Emotion

I have discussed my running (love and hatred of it) here in the past few days. I have set a goal for myself and have enlisted A to help me achieve it.

I have decided to run the Thanksgiving Half Marathon. I know, I've set goals before and failed to reach them.

This one is going to be different. It HAS to be.

When I was with J he told me that I lacked self-discipline. That I couldn't stick to a workout or training plan. Basically that I am weak and lazy (thought, admittedly, I don't think he ever used those last two words - it was the message I was hearing). And all the goals I've set in the past year that have gone unmet have done nothing but reinforce my idea that I can't do it - that I have no self-discipline. I've allowed those words to create who I am.

While going over my training plan today A asked me about my motivation. I told him I wanted to do it to prove to myself that I could. That I am not lazy, undisciplined. That I can set a training progam and stick to it. I nearly cried saying it (am nearly crying typing it).

I am terrified of failing at this. Afraid that it will be just one more person in my life who will see that I am undisciplined.

But mostly I am afraid that I will just continue to believe it.

Take care dear readers, I'm running on pure emotion.

Avoidance

I avoid dealing with difficult issues. Perhaps that is why I am over-concerned with S. I'm avoiding the real issue - my failed marriage.

I am not sorry about the divorce. But I miss my friend. J and I were such good friends. We could complete eachothers sentences. We enjoyed the same things. Hell, we practically grew up together - meeting and starting to date when we were 22. I remember when we were friends and we said, no matter who each of us married we'd get together and watch the Superbowl together.

Now he won't return an email.

I know that when I chose to get a divorce that I no longer had the privilege of dictating what our relationship would be like. But I really never thought it would cease to exist entirely.

And for that, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for so many things related to my marriage/relationship with J.

A man recently asked me about something in my past that I wish Ihad handled differently. I was honest and told him how much I regrettted the way I ended my marriage. I haven't heard from him since (which I predicted). But it's true. It is my life's only regret.

J has moved on and is dating someone new. I have heard not so flattering reports about her. That makes me sad. I want him to be happy. I really, really do. Though I will admit these not so flattering reports may be things that he is looking for; many of our friends wives were aspiring stay at home moms that also had nannies. I could never be that girl. I have heard the new girl is a bit uppity - so maybe that works for him. I don't know.

But I miss my friend. I just keep sending emails - about ND, the UFC, general friendly emails - with the hope that eventually he'll respond and we can be friends.

Take care dear readers - I'm giong to try to face the real issue.

Timing is Everything

I think it is amazing how the universe sometimes knows what you need and sends it your way.

I had a rough day yesterday. Felt very down about myself, was reminded by a "friend" that most men my age who are "normal" are interested in dating women in their 20's therefore, he said, it is going to take you a lot longer to find someone.

*sigh* Gee, thanks. I'm too old for normal men my age. Fan-fucking-tastic.

So, I was feeling down. Cried. Missed S (yes, you all want to kill me, I know). Interestingly, didn't miss J. But that is neither here nor there. Last night I hosted a party and the actuary came as my guest. I thought I liked him, I don't. He aggravated me last night. I think that once he gets comfortable and behaves like "himself" that is when I don't like him. When he is walking on pins and needles I do - but that is no way to live.

So I have to cut him loose.

Also, neither here nor there.

Back to feeling kinda yucky. The phone rang. Of course, I didn't answer. Then my answering machine picked up and I heard a friendly voice from a long time ago. My old friend - L - is scampering away from Charleston to avoid the hurricane and is coming to hang out with me for the night. I look forward to seeing L, catching up, and again - like when I visited Cleveland - feel like what I felt like before all this happened. Before life got so fucking hard. Back when everything was ahead of me and I was sure I would not fail.

Take care, dear readers - I'll be stepping into my time machine.

Unfaithful

This is going to sound unbearably stupid and many of you will want to reach through the computer and throttle me. I don't blame you.

But the truth is there is a part of me that feels like liking the actuary and enjoying him is actually unfaithful to S. Or maybe to the pain that I've carried around, like a security blanket, since we broke up in early June. Like if I lose that pain I'm losing a part of me.

I don't know really how to explain it. But how ridiculous is it to be sad that you might be getting over your pain?

I was telling the actuary a little bit of why J and I split last night. And he looked at me, truly puzzled. He asked me why a strong, outspoken woman like me put up with that for so long. I didn't answer. What was I going to say? My therapist says I'm emotionally challenged when it comes to male relationships? That if I don't learn my lesson, we'll end up just like that? That I will teach you how to treat me like that?

Ugh.

Only I can take a somewhat happy date and turn into something semi-miserable.

Ugh.

Take care dear readers, I'll be working on how to say good bye to that pain (and to stop being so unbelievably stupid).

How Do You Eat An Elephant?

I feel - off. Something is out of step. I'm not quite right. I can't put my finger on it, but I'm off.

I have these grand aspirations. I'm going to run a half-marathon, go on a diet, quit drinking, rid myself of credit card debt, focus at work, become a great president of a charity, spay all the stray animals, create world peace and end the mortgage crisis. And those are just my goals before noon.

My aspirations (and only some of the above are true goals) are so high that they paralyze me. I am so afraid that I am not going to live up to them - and there are so many of them that I end up not living up to any of them. I find myself rooted to my couch, playing computer games, unable to do any of them. I so desperately want to get my life back on track that I want to do it all in one fell swoop.

The problem is that I am recreating my entire life. From scratch. And I can't do it all at once.

So, here is my plan. Take one thing. Focus on it for three weeks (as I have often said it takes three weeks to create a habit). Do the best I can on the other things but make one thing priority. Then move to the next.

Take care, dear readers. I'll be eating this elephant one bite at a time.