Unfaithful

This is going to sound unbearably stupid and many of you will want to reach through the computer and throttle me. I don't blame you.

But the truth is there is a part of me that feels like liking the actuary and enjoying him is actually unfaithful to S. Or maybe to the pain that I've carried around, like a security blanket, since we broke up in early June. Like if I lose that pain I'm losing a part of me.

I don't know really how to explain it. But how ridiculous is it to be sad that you might be getting over your pain?

I was telling the actuary a little bit of why J and I split last night. And he looked at me, truly puzzled. He asked me why a strong, outspoken woman like me put up with that for so long. I didn't answer. What was I going to say? My therapist says I'm emotionally challenged when it comes to male relationships? That if I don't learn my lesson, we'll end up just like that? That I will teach you how to treat me like that?

Ugh.

Only I can take a somewhat happy date and turn into something semi-miserable.

Ugh.

Take care dear readers, I'll be working on how to say good bye to that pain (and to stop being so unbelievably stupid).