I Don't Know Who To Be Mad At

I hate ending sentences in prepositions - but it happened, and I've heard it's OK now so I'm going to live with it.

Again, digressing...

I sat with A the other day explaining to him why I wanted to run this half marathon. Every time I really start talking about it I tear up. But I was explaining to him how J was never at the end of a race for me. We ran half marathons together but he'd get sick of my pace, run ahead and finish first. The last half marathon we ran in Vegas he went back up to the room after he finished. I finished alone. Every race I ever ran, he was never there at the end to hug me and tell me what a great job I did. It makes me tear up just thinking about it.

Sitting across from me in my office, A said something interesting. He said to me - "this is one of those times where I don't know whether to be mad at him or mad at you."

He has said that to me before. And what he is saying, I think, is that he doesn't understand why I would put up with that and he is mad that I don't stand up for myself or didn't believe I was worth more. And he's right. Hearing it from him I can see how stupid I was to take some of that. Amazing when you get a glimpse of yourself through someone else's (less critical) eyes.

I sat with another friend, L, this past Sunday. And I was recounting my breakup with S (we hadn't talked since then). In a weak moment I admitted that I still had feelings for S and that, I am aggravated with myself for it. After hearing the breakup and aftermath story he asked me - why don't you think you deserve better than what he gave you? What are you getting out of holding on to this?

I know what it is. It goes back to the dad thing. I chase and chase and chase after male affection. If it comes too easily it is not believable.

Yes, I understand this is stupid. Male friends like A, L, G are all helping me see that. I have amazing things to offer and I shouldn't have to chase. There are moments - like the night out with B, when I told her "I don't chase, I get chased" - that I seem to get it. But there are other moments when I revert back. Luckily there are more "chase me" moments than there are "I want to chase."

I have had a nice run. I feel good. But to think all is "fixed" is unrealistic. I feel good, but I'm still working. And I'll continue to work.

Take care, dear readers. I'll see you at the finish line.