Motivation

I was very active today - an hour of spin class and then later a four mile run. During my spin class I was thinking about my motivation for participating in the Ovarian Cycle. Our founder is highlighting snippets of the reasons people are participating in our newsletter. I am the president of the organization (there goes my anonymity) but I don't have to ride in the event. So, why am I doing it?

My relationship with exercise (and my body) has been complicated. J was a diet/exercise fanatic who not infrequently told me that I was "a reflection on him." This was a man who would often have me describe to him what I planned to wear to different occaisions with his friends or colleagues. Sometimes even asking me to try on the outfit so he could see how it looked before we went out (can you believe I did this?). Exercise was something I did either for him or to keep him off my back about how I looked. It got so bad that I would often pretend to go to the gym and eat fast food instead. The most passive-aggressive behavior in the history of the universe. This is my history with exercise and body image.

So I have to ask myself, what is my motivation to exercise now. Why am I participating in the Ovarian Cycle this year?

It isn't because I have a personal connection with the disease (thank God). I initially got involved because I enjoyed spin class and I wanted a challenge that J would not be a part of. Something that was mine. Last year I did it because it was what I do. I was still in divorce limbo and not yet ready to seek out and establish my own life. So I clung to pieces of my old life without reassigning new meaning or motivation.

This year I had a choice. I could just as easily have said that I am not riding. That I am just going to do the heavy lifting and volunteer work.

But I wanted to ride. I had the drive to ride. But why? The answer is simple. This time I am doing it for me. Every turn of the pedal makes me a stronger person - physically and emotionally. Every rotation of the fly wheel gets me closer to the new me. The me that values myself and my health enough to take care of it not because someone else is forcing me to, but because I want to. The me that wants to be strong and independent. And, truthfully, I want to prove to myself that I can do it under my own volition and motivation.

That is the answer today. The answer may be different in a week, a month, a year. But that is the beauty about your life - it is yours. And you can change your motivation and goals as you see fit.

Oh, and if you haven't donated to Ovarian Cycle yet - best hit up the website http://www.ovariancycle.org/) and get that done!

Take care, dear readers - I'm motivated.