Lessons from Churchill

Winston Churchill said, "those that fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it."

Let us start with that quote in mind and take a look at my history.

I want to be very clear from the outset. I love my mother very much. Most of us love our parents (one or both of them), but lets be honest - they are normal, fallible human beings. They are not perfect (though we thought they were - or at least they were all that we had to compare to - when we were kids). Learning from their patterns and flaws is essential to understanding where/how you crafted your view about marriage/relationships, etc. I know this because dear Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. told me so.

I would also like to say that this is all based on my memories - and they are not perfect either. I am sure I have forgotten some good times, misremembered some bad, etc. But they are my memories and they are as imperfect as I am, but they are all I have to go from in this case.

I embarked on an inventory of my parents' relationship so I could learn what model of marriage I was taught. Harville had me start by putting all the positive traits about my mother, father and their marriage on one side of a paper and all the negative on the other. Then I was to distinguish which trait was more my mother, more my father, etc.

I had exactly one good trait for my father: he was a good time guy (he's not dead, but this is about my memories). I could add others - he was charming, funny. But although I could add a couple more good traits, I could also add several bad. My father is non-existent in my childhood memories and the times he pops up it is in a negative connotation. He was absent, disinterested, uncaring, critical, demanding and, ultimately, selfish. He was never around, yet he somehow managed to be around for the fun stuff - taking my mother out to dinner, etc. on Friday and usually Saturday nights. They had fun together those nights. I was home with a sitter.

I had several good traits for my mother. She is also funny, but more importantly, she was supportive, caring, loving, hardworking, and basically the glue that kept our family together (for better or worse, quite honestly). But she, too, was absent while I was growing up for the most part. Unlike my father who just seemed entirely uninterested; she had a legitimate reason - she was working hard to provide for her family (my father rarely brought home a regular pay check, though, again he was somehow able to come up with money for weekends, vacations, etc.). My mother was also criticized at home and in general not respected by my father. She was, however, valued at work. People listened to her, respected her, she was fulfilled there. It is no wonder she spent a lot of her time at work. I don't blame her for this at all. She was doing the best she could to get some happy out of life.

I was left with a model of a marriage where the woman does everything to keep the house a home and the man sits in front of the tv and grunts (that is after he has changed the channel from whatever it was you were watching so he could promptly fall asleep). I don't remember them being affectionate towards each other. The closest my father got to affection was yelling at me if I even remotely talked back to my mother. Looking back it seems that he used me (and to some extent my sister) as pawns to please my mother. He would come home early (I hated those days) and kick his feet up and tell me to clean the house, to vacuum, etc. Of course, it was never done well enough for him. Then he would light some incense and I'd later hear him tell my mother that he had cleaned up for her. I could go on and on. But there is no sense in beating this into the ground. It was not a good marriage, though they managed to have fun together when they went out. But, in my opinion (and I believe my mother's now), it is the quiet moments between parties, vacations, etc. that are the true measure of a marriage. And theirs sucked (sorry, mom).

It is no wonder that I took on the responsibility in my marriage of doing everything. I vowed that I would not marry a deadbeat like my father. And that I did not do. The one thing I was not in my marriage was the breadwinner. But there are several other similarities between my father and my ex-husband. My father used to put down my mother in front of company; my ex-husband often put me down. My father took no responsibility for anything inside the home; my ex-husband was happy for me to take charge of all of that. My parents marriage was not that of equals. Neither was mine. I was very much subservient. My mother was subservient, though she earned the money.

I wanted my parents to divorce from a fairly young age. I decided early on that the house would be (and often was since he wasn't home much) a better place if my dad wasn't in it. It is no wonder that in high school I said I would never get married. Why I did is another story for another day, I suppose. For that reason, I have not considered divorce a taboo. I have seen that divorce is essential for some people to get some happy out of life. I'm not saying it's pleasant or fun and I'm not suggesting it is to be undertaken lightly. But I don't view it as taboo. It's not preferable, but it is sometimes necessary. It was for my mother. It was for me.

There is more to this - like the fact that my father never picked me up on time from dance class though he worked less than a mile away. I was always at dance class an hour or two after the class was over. I was often there when they were shutting down the studio. Waiting outside for my dad to pick me up. Many nights he never came and my mother would come instead. But I don't see the point in rehashing that entirely on these pages. Suffice it to say, the best adjective for my father in my life is absent.

So, another pandora's box is opened. Another view into why I think and act and choose partners in the way I do. Another chance to shape and change what I want for the future to ensure that I do not end up repeating history.

If I ever marry again I want an equal partnership. I don't want to be the one putting in all the effort because my husband puts in all the money. I want to encourage and be encouraged. I want to support and be supported. I want to hug and be hugged. I want to respect and be respected. And mostly I want to love and be loved in return.

So, Winston, I promise I'll do my lessons. I will learn from history so that I am not doomed to repeat it.

Take care, dear readers.