The Roller Coaster or My Week in Review

I must apologize, dear reader, for my absence this week - I was incredibly busy.

It was a week of ups, downs, steps forward and steps back. I overbooked myself, I made a mistake with the sorta/kinda ex on Tuesday, had an incredibly nice time with him on Friday, I decided it was time to grow up and buy a house, I veered from my diet, I chose a salad at a fancy banquet dinner, I skipped my Thursday workout, I rode a spin bicycle for 6 hours on Saturday for charity. So - ups and downs.

At my last counseling session I was surprised to notice (after it was pointed out to me, of course) the kind of negative language I use in my self-talk. I was either "good" or "bad." When I veered from my diet at all I said I was "bad" whereas if I stuck to it I was "good." There was no room for any variance in my head. My therapist noted, and she is right, that this is an indication that I am not fully owning my diet as something that I am doing for me. I am dieting, working out, etc. to please some imaginary Greek chorus in my head. We did some exercises where she asked me what else I could say to myself that would not be such a good/bad judgment call. This, dear reader, was where the rubber met the road because I literally could not come up with anything. So, this is what I have been working on this week - owning my goals for my own and being forgiving of myself when things go off track and getting things back on track (not allowing one variance to become a spiral of self-hate).

And this week was a very good test track for that. I am not going to say I was perfect in any way. But I led my life this week in a very reasonable fashion and didn't feel so constrained - like I was living up to someone else's expectations of me (which in my head are generally impossible to meet). I made good food choices on Tuesday night and Wednesday night with dinner. I did not make as good a choice on Thursday afternoon on my drive through rural Georgia - but I did make one of the better choices available to me and I can live with that.

I woke up early Tuesday morning to get in my workout and ran well on Wednesday. After those two days I took Thursday off. Yesterday I rode a spin bike for 6 hours for charity. All in all, I think I got my exercise for the week and I am happy with that. Not many people work out 5-6 days a week and I don't have to either to feel good about myself.

Now, I fell down in the scheduling department for both last week and this week. I have been overscheduled (mostly not my fault). Every night this week is taken. And I am surprised (pleasantly) at how upset I am about that. I have learned that I NEED my alone time. I need it to work through these things - whether it is here in my blog, in my journal, or in my tiny head. I need time to reconnect with myself - remember what is important to me - even if I just watch crime shows and do my cross stitch. I would have thought living alone would give me enough alone time but apparently not...

So, we approach another week. Another opportunity to live my life in a way that is pleasing to me and no one else. Another opportunity to ride the roller coaster. This time I'm raising my arms and screaming my head off instead of white knuckling through it.

Take care, dear reader...