Who's That Girl?

We live in a highly relational society. Your friends, relatives, acquaintances often view you as That Girl. You're an attorney, a friends wife, the fat girl, the funny girl, the quiet girl, the drunk girl, the prude, etc. These people may, or may not, know you very well - but they have categorized you nonetheless. And to be fair, you have done this to your friends, relatives, acquaintances as well.

All goes along just fine until "That Girl" wants to change her life. She loses weight, leaves her marriage, becomes more outgoing, loosens up. Then all hell breaks loose. When someone breaks free of their label, things can get rocked to the core. I have noticed this, in varying degrees, with all of my friends, relatives, acquaintances and coworkers since I left my marriage.

For example, one of my friends seems to have totally distanced herself from me since the early stages. I count her to this day as one of my very best friends, but the change in my life has done something unfortunate to our relationship and she no longer sees me the same way she used to. I don't know if me becoming newly single is a threat; either to the dating pool or to the institution of marriage in general. Either way, I miss my friend but am no longer able to be That Girl for her. I will continue to grow and learn about myself and how I relate to the world with or without her friendship, though I sincerely hope she either changes her mind or I am horribly wrong.

Another example, a friend of mine invited me to a party. I responded that I would be attending and he stated that he'd make sure they'd buy four more bottles of wine. Now, I don't think me not being a total lush anymore is going to tank that relationship, but it is clear that I was That Girl who drinks a lot to him. And that was a bit of a wake up call to read. I had not considered that label before, though I have clearly earned it. I really don't want to be That Girl to him or anyone else anymore. I have worked hard in the last 3 weeks to break free of the habit that was booze (and I have come to determine that in many ways it really was a habit - I drank when I did x, y, or z). I hope that in time the changes I've made will allow me to shed my label as That Girl to him. Only time can tell.

A third friend has also pulled away. She is married and since I told her about my divorce I have not heard from her. It is possible that my divorce has shaken her beliefs about marriage and/or threatened her own. Who am I to get out of an unhappy relationship when she feels stuck in hers? This is speculation, of course, but it seems entirely possible.

On the other hand (and a much more positive one), there are many friends who have been supportive of me becoming whatever girl I want to become. Friends who sat quietly prior to my separation and are now vociferous in saying that I did the right thing, that I am right for finding out who That Girl is for myself. This has been the greatest surprise and joy for me since the separation - the number of people who truly cared about me that I never knew cared that much. To you all, I say thank you.

For the rest of you, I am not sure what girl I was to you, but I can promise you I will be That Girl no longer. You can either come with me or be left behind. Because while I will miss your friendship I am not going back. I have worked too hard, gone through too much, to go backwards.

As for the question: Who's That Girl? I'm not sure who she is to you yet, but she is leaps and bounds more and better to herself than she ever was before.

Take care, dear readers, I'm all of a sudden in the mood to pull out my Madonna CD's...