Confession

I have a confession to make.

I emailed S last Thursday after Les Mis.

Sometimes I am somewhere and my memories of him come rushing back like a tidal wave and they are hard to fight off. My friends and I started off with dinner at Ecco.

Strike one.

Ecco was where S took me to dinner to win our bet on the NCAA basketball tournament. We were also kinda getting back together at the time. It was a good night.

Then we went to see Les Miserables.

Strike two.

That show always makes me bawl like a baby and the whole loving someone that doesn't love you back thing that Eponine does just about made me lose it. On top of that, S once called me on a business trip and I was listening to it and I told him I cried every time. He thought that was cute and endearing. So I cried more. I was a sniveling, snotty mess by the end of the show (ask G - he always gets to put up with me when I'm that way - sorry!).

We saw the show at The Fox.

Strike three.

Not that S and I have ever been to The Fox together but for some reason I always find myself thinking of him when I'm there (see the Naughty Puppets post for reference).

So, with three strikes under my belt I succumbed to temptation. Ugh. I did tell him that I wasn't asking him to be part of my life - just that I needed to vent these emotions.

After my release, how did I feel? Terrified. Every red light on my blackberry scared me for a couple days. I realized I didn't want to hear back from him, partially because I was afraid what vitriole he'd spew but also because I just can't have in my life right now.

But mostly I am left with the question - why can't I shed him? What am I getting out of holding on to this pain? I know I've dealt with this before and I will continue dealing with it until I can get through it. I deserve better than how I was treated in our relationship (at the end at least). I guess I am just still mourning that part of the relationship that was good. The part that I wasn't ready to accept at the time, the part that I threw away. I almost immediately regretted it, but like a speeding train, there was no stopping what happened. He was too damaged to open up again to me and I was too damaged to ask for forgiveness.

Life is going pretty well - despite the fact that I called in sick today for no apparent reason. Just a burning desire to stay at home. I'd feel guilty about this but for the fact that I have spent much of the last nine months avoiding being alone with myself that I am thrilled to now be embracing it!

Take care, dear readers - things are not as dark as they seem and there may even be a bright spot on the horizon...