Love - Is it Dictated or Chosen?

Does it sing like the hymn of a thousand years,
Or is it just pop emotion? - Indigo Girls, Mystery

I have spent a lot of time in my blog pondering the nature of love. I am reading a new book - The Five Languages of Love - recommended by A. In this book the author, Dr. Gary Chapman, discusses the differences between "falling in love" - that euphoric early stage in a relationship and "love" - what comes after that.

He posits that "falling in love" is not a choice. That it is something that happens to you involuntarily. While I see his point, I don't know that he is 100% correct. I have fallen in love involuntarily - without trying or thinking. I have also been hurt immensely by doing this. I have suffered my greatest heartbreaks when I jumped in without thinking.

After so many heartbreaks, I am in a different place and disagree with Dr. Chapman when he states that "falling in love" generally occurs before being in "love." I agree with him that generally this is true. But, honestly, I am not sure that it will ever be true for me again. I am entirely too damaged and afraid to let my emotions run away with me ever again. I want nothing more than to skip the euphoria and go straight to the "love" part - the part where you CHOOSE to be in love with the other person. You choose to do things that make them happy, you choose to do supportive things for them, you choose to spend your time with them.

After reading the first half of the book, I realize that is what I am doing now. Choosing to fall in love (not there yet, folks, don't get crazy). Choosing to learn about and care about another person. I have my eyes wide open. I know his flaws - whether I have seen them firsthand or not - I know (or have a good idea) what they are. And I will continue to look for new ones to ensure that they are things I can live with. But something I have done is make a choice. I am choosing to make this work. I am not falling helplessly in love. I am choosing to care for this man - to whom I am attracted (and could do the euphoric fall in love thing if I were willing to let go). I think he is coming from the same place. I think this may be the reality of post-divorce/post-heartbreak relationships.

Anyway, just some musings on a Wednesday morning.

Take care, dear readers.

I have not been writing as much in my blog in the last three months or so. This is because - *gasp* - I'm happy!

I have re-engaged at work. Work has been a major issue for me in the past year and I've finally made a decision to stick with it for the next 13 months and during that time period to work on an exit strategy.

I have begun working out again and while I sometimes struggle with motivation (like today), I am really enjoying it. I am looking forward to my first sprint triathlon in August.

And best of all, I have a really amazing person in my life. And as scary as it is to start falling for someone - I am really enjoying it. When I am with Bob I don't think or worry about anything - I can let it all go and just enjoy our time together. That is something that I value more than you know - my mind is always whirring with thoughts - to be with someone who can help it be quiet is amazing. I was sitting on his couch last night, we were talking and I just looked at him and, I don't know, I was just so grateful and happy to be with him - right there at that moment.

So, for those of you who think after reading this blog that I am sad - I am not. I feel really great.

Take care, dear readers.

"The Miracle Isn't That I Finished, But That I Had The Courage To Start"

That is a well known quote from John "the Penguin" Bingham. If you are not familiar with him, he is a monthly contributor to Runners World Magazine that writes about running from the perspective of us mortal runners.



He uses this pharase to describe his running. But I think that it is a good phrase to describe almost anything.



For instance, I am starting to train for a "sprint" triathlon. This does not mean that I will sprint the whole thing - it is just the term for the shortest distance triathlon they have. In order to train for this, I am teaching myself how to swim. Yep, you read that right. Luckily, I have several friends who swim and have given me great advice (including Bob and Candace). I think the courage it takes to even approach this task is the true miracle.



I also think this phrase applies well to my personal life. As we get older and suffer heartbreaks it becomes more and more difficult to even contemplate entering a relationship, More and more difficult to imagine opening yourself up to another person. It isn't that the relationship survives that it is the miracle, I believe that the true miracle is finding the strength and desire inside you to open up to someone else.

I am experiencing that miracle right now. I am at the point where I want to open myself up to someone and make them a part of my life - and to become a part of theirs.

Take care, dear readers. I am enjoying my miracle.

Looking For the Dark Lining...

Or Waiting For the Other Shoe to Drop

It has finally happened. I have met someone. A real, live, charming, kind, funny, smart, witty, nice, passionate, compassionate, successful man.

We have been dating for just over a month and we spent the better part of last weekend together. I was convinced I'd get tired of him. I didn't. I was convinced he'd get tired of me. He didn't.

I am away on business this week which gives me ample time to think and sabotage this new relationship.

I caught myself this morning - searching for negatives - either in him or in how I feel about him. I am not dying here without him - not really missing him, though I do think it would be more fun if he were here. So I ask myself, if I'm not missing him I must not be that into him.

But my heart still jumps when I see a text from him. Or an email. And I still get nervous when I call him.

It has been so long since I've allowed myself to fall for someone I apparently don't know how to do it.

So I am talking myself off the ledge. Talking myself into looking at the positive and not freaking out if he checks the dating service still, or if it takes an hour to reply to an email. As a good friend told me - men do not do or say things just because - generally when they do or say them, they mean it. So if he is showing that he likes me (he is) then he does. And I need to let it go at that.

So, as Cowboy Mouth sang - let it go, let it go, let it go!

Take care, dear readers.

Stop Yelling At Me!!!!!!

My faults are so loud. In my ears, all the time. Why aren't you thinner? Why did you cut your hair? Why did you buy that? Why are you wearing that? Why isn't your house cleaner? Why isn't your car cleaner? Why? Why? Why?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't hear myself over the din.

We get overwhelmed. No one takes stock of their positives at any regular interval.

Life is funny. And not usually ha! ha! funny - more like the whole classroom of third graders mocking you funny. Not that I would know...

I got back in touch with a sorority sister through facebook (yes, the diva uses facebook). And it shocked me how much we were alike. OK, full disclosure, she's 6" with adorable dimples. I'm shorter. And no dimples. Except for the ones on my ass and I don't think they count.

I am constantly amazed at the baggage that women carry. It is like being at the airport - we all carry the same bags. Check the tags, girls, they all look alike.

And this realization makes me sad.

The more women I know, the more women that open up to me, the more women I open up to - the more I love these women. The more I see myself reflected in their eyes. The more I see we are going through the same stuff. The more I want to reach out and rescue or connect or open up and say - look, I'm hurting, too.

But what moves me most is when someone says they look up to me - that they see in me a "success" story of sorts. I don't know what to say to this. I've worked hard, tried hard, cried hard. But I'm still here (as if there was a choice) and I keep going forward and I keep believing there is something great out there for me.

And I've looked up to things about each of these women. They are smart. Smarter than me. They are self-aware. More so than me. They are strong. They are resilient (the thing that I think most men underestimate about women - you will NOT break us). They love without requiring reciprocation.

In short, women are amazing.

And I am proud to know and be inspired by these women. And if you are reading this - you have inspired me. And to the extent I may have inspired you - wow.

Take care, dear readers. I love each of you.

I'm Just A Girl Who Can't Say No

I'm in a terrible fix!

Great song. And quite fitting for tonight.

Here I sit, sipping an affordable American sparkler (the economic downturn has even hit your diva) waiting for yet another date to pick me up. I put on my favorite zebra striped peeptoe wedges and flashed back to a memory.

It was 16 months ago. My very first post-husband date. I bought these shoes specifically for the date. I was thinner (we won't say how much), hair was longer, and I was not as good at dating as I am now. I remember my hand shaking as I took a sip of my French champagne (ahhh, life pre-recession). This was a true first date - met him on match.com. In the beginning there were several first dates and rarely a second. Either he was not what I was looking for, or vice versa. For this guy I was not what he was looking for - which was fine because looking back he reminded me a lot of my ex-husband.

But here I sit, in the same shoes, drinking the same type of drink (if not the exact same) waiting for another man to pick me up. This is a second date. Also off match.com. For the record, I have not been on match.com since late January/early February. But it took us a very long time to meet in person (2 weeks ago). I am not nervous about seeing him. I know my conversation will be fine. I am not worried too much about what he thinks of my looks. They aren't what they were 16 months ago. I've gained weight. Would I like to change that? Yes. Am I working to change that? Yes. Am I going to change that in the next 40 minutes? No. So I am not going to worry about it - too much.

I have more second dates now. More third dates. More men that actually start to care about me. That, my friends, is when it gets really scary. I keep saying I'm opening my heart but I'm not really. I think I'm just looking out the peephole. Maybe I'm opening up but keeping the chain on the door. All I know is flinging it wide is terrifying me. Making me stutter forward when most women would run toward some of these men.

Or maybe I'm caught up in my own metaphors.

Take care, dear readers. I'm in my lucky shoes.

Bouncing Back

I had a "bad" day yesterday. I skipped my workout, drank some wine and ordered Moe's (my nemesis). Bad days happen. It is a matter of what you do when they happen. I refuse to let this be the beginning of any sort of downward spiral. I am up early this morning, and will be completing yesterday's workout today (strength training).

Getting back on track and not allowing one bad day to turn into one bad week to turn into a bad month. That is the key.

I'm feeling really good. My workouts are going well. My food choices (spare the Moe's breakdown) are going well. I do not crave french fries the way I did a week ago. I sleep better. I think better. My body is starting to look better (even if the damned scale won't cooperate).

All in all - it's a good day.

Take care, dear readers.

What do you need?

We spend a lot of time thinking about what we want from a romantic relationship - tall, dark, handsome, blah, blah, blah.

But we rarely think about what we really need from a romantic partner and/or relationship.

I have started to really give some thought to this - thanks to A and his constant posing of questions.

So here are things I NEED from a romantic partner:

1. Someone who is better than me at handling finances. I am just not good at it, this does not mean I am not interested in improving - but improving myself takes all the energy I have - I need a man who already has this down.

2. Someone who is emotionally stable. I am a pretty emotional and impulsive person. I need someone who can ride with those ebbs and flows and still be OK. And again, this does not get me off the hook for being a flake - clearly I need to improve here, but I will never be an emotional rock.

3. Someone who knows how to be encouraging without sounding critical. My ego, due to past relationships with men, is pretty fragile. I want a partner who will help me and encourage me to improve in a way that doesn't bruise my ego.

4. Someone who is not jealous of my time. I have a lot of great friends and am involved with my charity and hobbies. It is important to me to still be able to pursue these. And my romantic partner is welcome to join me - but I don't require that. I just need for him to be understanding that these things are important to me. In return, I will understand the same for him.

This is my burgeoning list of needs. I'll try to keep working on it.

Take care, dear readers.

Motivation

I was very active today - an hour of spin class and then later a four mile run. During my spin class I was thinking about my motivation for participating in the Ovarian Cycle. Our founder is highlighting snippets of the reasons people are participating in our newsletter. I am the president of the organization (there goes my anonymity) but I don't have to ride in the event. So, why am I doing it?

My relationship with exercise (and my body) has been complicated. J was a diet/exercise fanatic who not infrequently told me that I was "a reflection on him." This was a man who would often have me describe to him what I planned to wear to different occaisions with his friends or colleagues. Sometimes even asking me to try on the outfit so he could see how it looked before we went out (can you believe I did this?). Exercise was something I did either for him or to keep him off my back about how I looked. It got so bad that I would often pretend to go to the gym and eat fast food instead. The most passive-aggressive behavior in the history of the universe. This is my history with exercise and body image.

So I have to ask myself, what is my motivation to exercise now. Why am I participating in the Ovarian Cycle this year?

It isn't because I have a personal connection with the disease (thank God). I initially got involved because I enjoyed spin class and I wanted a challenge that J would not be a part of. Something that was mine. Last year I did it because it was what I do. I was still in divorce limbo and not yet ready to seek out and establish my own life. So I clung to pieces of my old life without reassigning new meaning or motivation.

This year I had a choice. I could just as easily have said that I am not riding. That I am just going to do the heavy lifting and volunteer work.

But I wanted to ride. I had the drive to ride. But why? The answer is simple. This time I am doing it for me. Every turn of the pedal makes me a stronger person - physically and emotionally. Every rotation of the fly wheel gets me closer to the new me. The me that values myself and my health enough to take care of it not because someone else is forcing me to, but because I want to. The me that wants to be strong and independent. And, truthfully, I want to prove to myself that I can do it under my own volition and motivation.

That is the answer today. The answer may be different in a week, a month, a year. But that is the beauty about your life - it is yours. And you can change your motivation and goals as you see fit.

Oh, and if you haven't donated to Ovarian Cycle yet - best hit up the website http://www.ovariancycle.org/) and get that done!

Take care, dear readers - I'm motivated.

Prioritization

I got my hair "did" today. After I got my hair done I came home and took a nap. I woke up in my bed alone (if one can be alone with a dog and two cats in bed with you) and was glad to be there alone. I have been glad every night this week to get in bed alone and to wake up alone. No one to bother me, no one to share covers with (except Stormy who is a considerable bed hog). I explained what I was going to do this evening to my hairdresser (me = basketball viewing; him = rubber fetish party) and was relieved to feel like my plans sounded better to me. A quiet afternoon at home and then an evening watching basketball with friends.

I have been presented with a great opportunity (I have mentioned this before), I have the opportunity to re-create my life. To examine each part of my life and decide whether I want to keep or chuck it.

And part of this opportunity is going to relate to prioritization. I often socialize, not because I want to, but because I am expected to be the social one. I need to do things because I want to do them and prioritize those things over things that other people want me to do.

After my first week back exercising I recognize how vital this is to my well being. Exercise, activity of any sort, absolutely MUST be a part of my life. I cannot let any temptation to socialize too much take that away from me. Because if I allow that to happen I will be back where I was a week ago - and that was not a good place.

Take care, dear readers. I'm headed out alone and will be coming home alone.

The Laws of Physics

Inertia is the principle that objects at rest tend to stay at rest and also that objects in motion tend to stay in motion.

I have been inert for about six months. Inert in my physical fitness, inert in my mental fitness and inert in my social growth.

This past weekend, with all its foibles, has spurred me on to create the life that I want. I want to be more active, I want to do things that do not revolve around food and wine (though I still love both), I want to be productive.

To that end, I started my half marathon training program this week. And yesterday, when every fiber of my being screamed at me to take a nap, I got on the treadmill and pounded out 3 miles. And I felt better for it.

This morning I woke up at 5:45am. Wally was in his crate whining (he's a dog, not a gimp that I keep chained up - google it, Mom). Normally, I'd roll over, go back to sleep until 7:30am or so. Instead, I popped out of bed, grabbed Wally and went for a 30 minute walk. Not because I had to exercise this morning (It's my scheduled day off) but because I just wanted to go for a walk with my dog.

So, it appears that I may have broken through the inertia and may have "momentum." I keep it in quotes because I am not sure that I am there yet. But I have my eye on the prize and am going to keep working for it because sitting on the couch just isn't that fun any more.

Take care, dear readers. I'm gaining momentum.

Breaking the Cycle

A is in the process of overhauling me as I have mentioned. He should probably charge me for this help.

Anyway, we had lunch in my office yesterday and he pinpointed a cycle that I get into - and he could not have pinpointed it any more accurately. It was all the stuff I know about myself but am afraid to admit sometimes even to myself and in my mind I didn't put it all together quite so well.

Now that I recognize this cycle and how it is keeping me from being the me I want to be - I am working on breaking the cycle. And today I did a good job. I really wanted something bad for me for lunch - but got something reasonable instead. I really wanted to take a nap instead of running my scheduled 3 miler - but I ran it. And now I feel pretty good about the day and the choices I made. I don't hate myself for eating poorly, for letting myself down by skipping a workout. I didn't allow a slip up to sabotage my entire day.

This is a good step forward for me.

I did something tragic this morning, however. I stepped on the scale. I was feeling good - feeling fitter and thought for sure some weight had come off. Nope. That is depressing.

But I am not letting it get me down. I know I am fitter. I can see my body changing just a little. I can see my face unbloat. I look better and feel better - and that is the point - not some numbers on a scale.

So, all in all - today was a good day.

Take care, dear readers - lets have another good one tomorrow!

Picky or Particular; Playing it Safe or Running Scared

I have been watching the show "Tough Love" on VH1. Generally I stay away from this kind of trash TV - or at least only indulge in it when it is featured on The Soup. Anyway, I am watching this show - it is about a matchmaker who is trying to get this group of women with a variety of dating issues to fix their issues and find a mate. I find it fascinating because clearly I have issues.

I think back on the men I have sent away - B (the neighbor/stalker), M (the actuary), and countless other men who I have passed on at one point or another in the past 18 months. Am I passing on them because there is something wrong with them? No, not really. Are they perfect? No. But am I perfect? Big NO! I say to myself that I am being "particular" when really what I am being is impossibly picky. Impossibly. B was a great guy - even with his showing up late thing (which he explained to me and was actually somewhat touching at the end of the discussion) - he ordered chinese food for me and even plated it for me and brought it to me.

M had been impossibly patient with me and in return for his patience he was pushed away any time he got close to me. And why? B/c he aggravated me. That is really all I can say. And I don't think he really aggravated me that badly, I was just scared of getting hurt or finding myself in a relationship with anyone even remotely like J that I just freaked. There was a couple of times when he reminded me of J (this is going to happen - these are all men...) and I freaked out and backed off.

I behaved badly in both instances. I got so much on my high horse that I wasn't willing to give either of these men a chance. A real chance. I didn't allow myself to let down my guard and just enjoy my time with them. I tensed up and freaked out.

I rationalize my behavior by saying that I am playing it safe. And while this is somewhat true, what I am really doing is running scared. Not letting anyone in b/c I am so terrified of being hurt again. Or of them finding out that I am not that great.

This is why I do so well with men who live in other states. I can keep up a certain communication and false intimacy without really having to feel threatened by an actual relationship.

Anyway, I suppose now that I know that things will be better. Or not. Who knows.

I always try to end these by saying something positive - that I've learned something. That I've grown somehow.

But I don't know how to end this entry. So I'll just end it.

Take care, dear readers.

Starting Over

I have done very little by way of physical fitness in the last 6 months. Yesterday was the start of my training for the Ludington Lake Stride - a race in Ludington, MI (near my family lake place where I spent time during the summers). I ran my first training run today - 3 miles. I finished it 14 minutes slower than my personal best.

But this is OK, unlike when I was running with (or for?) J I believed that walking at all during a run was sacrilege. I have since learned that it is not. And if walking a minute or so here and there makes the run more enjoyable for me - than I am doing it and will not apologize for it.

So, 3 miles down - 12 weeks to go.

Take care, dear readers.

The Cumulative Nature of the Human Experience

A pretty lofty title, huh? I'm pretty proud of it.

I was moping around last night under the sting of a recent rejection and it occurred to me that I was not really moping around about this rejection - but the cumulative nature of all the rejections in my lifetime. This rejection, if that is really what it was, was from a man I had not seen or heard from in nearly 3 months. And yet this rejection has me reeling.

But of course it doesn't. What has me reeling is the sting of rejections past - most significantly S and J - and then all the small rejections on the way. The men who don't call, who don't want to see you again. It may even be that you don't care about these men but the rejection hurts just the same. And all those rejections add up, so when you get another one (like this weekend) sometimes it is too much to handle.

And all the doubts and fears come back. Will anyone ever love me? Am I unlovable? Will I be alone forever?

I'm working, working, working on myself. And sometimes it feels just like running on a treadmill - lots of effort but I'm not getting anywhere. But just like running on a treadmill - I have faith that inch by inch things will change. My life will shift and I will come back into focus. I glimpse me every now and then, but like Alice's rabbit - the real me slips down a hole not to be seen again for a while.

Take care, dear readers. I'm chasing my rabbit.

Spring Cleaning

I have decided that from this moment until the end of April it is "me" month.

I will focus the entire month on doing things that make me happy and grow as an individual. I am focusing on fitness, diet, reading, pedicures, cooking for friends, etc.

I am going to avoid drinking. I am going to avoid dating (notice I didn't say no dating whatsoever). I am going to sleep well. I am going to wash my face before I go to bed. Shave my legs just for me.

I am going to start training for the Ludington half marathon.

I am going to focus on being the best me that I can be. I will let the rest of my life go on hold. For the next month I am my most important resoponsibility.

That - and getting my blackberry back.

Take care, dear readers. It is all about me.

Name 5 Things...

A told me that he is giving me a makeover - sort of a curb appeal meets extreme home makeover. Or somethng like that. He gave me an assignment. He told me to name 5 things that make me feel better, 5 things that make me sad, 5 things that get under my skin, 5 things that I do well and 5 things I want to change or improve in my life.

The one that really got me stuck was the 5 things that I do well. We never really think about what we do well. Or at least I do not. I sat down with my mother to try to finish my list. It is interesting to see yourself through others eyes.

This is what I came up with:

1. writing
2. making and maintaining friendships
3. speaking in public
4. fiercely loyal personally and professionally
5. problem solving

Those are pretty good things. Things to think about and hold on to. I hope to remember those things when I'm feeling hopeless and worthless.

Nearly 18 months after I left my husband, I am still learning, growng, suffering setbacks. But I feel ready to open up my heart and trust someone. Trust someone in a way that I haven't trusted anyone. I am ready for this. But I don't want to push.

I contacted the actuary on Friday. We got together last night. Dinner, drinks, etc. When he got here he told me that he was seeing someone but he wasn't sure where it was going. At that point I realized how much I had taken him for granted, pushed him away for no reason - or because I was afraid. Or maybe I just want what I can't have.

I am sorting this out. Sitting with this uncomfortable feeling I am having.

I don't know.

Take care, dear readers.

Be Careful What You Ask For...

So, I've been whining about meeting someone, wanting someone in my life.

I met a man about a month ago, he was nice, normal, decent looking and he liked me. I suppose that is the issue. He liked me too much. He moved quickly - wanted to spend lots of time with me. At first it felt good to have someone want to be with me. Then I realized I wasn't enjoying it. I didn't really like him. He was negative, always negative. Spoke only about the financial crisis. Blech. No fun. Even when we went out that was all he talked about. It was his version of small talk.

So, I am sending yet another man on his way.

I'm getting very good at breaking up. I'm also getting very good at being alone.

And I think those are both positive things.

Take care, dear readers.

Thursday Morning Meanderings

Wally, my precious puppy on good days - the holy terror on bad ones, wakes me up at 6am every morning. Most mornings I try, in vain, to get another hour of sleep with him in bed with me. Generally, this results in him gnawing at my hands, nose, hair, cats - basically anything but what he should be chewing.

So this morning I decided to make some use of my extra morning time. I got up, worked out (30:00 on the treadmill - walk/jog mix) and did some yoga poses to Sunrise Earth. Of course, I am not sure that yoga was meant to be practiced with a dog either in your lap chewing a stick or nipping at your hair while you are in the downward dog. However, it was relaxing. The result? I arrived at work, feeling centered, rested, calm.

I spent the time getting ready contemplating some different things. First, I realized that people - men and women alike - generally like me, really like me - whether I'm fat, thin, dressed well, etc. This sometimes pops into my head as some sort of revelation - though it should not be. I should know this. But with the ringing endorsements of J and S in my head it can be hard to hear the truth.

Looking back at those two relationships it shocks me at how similar those two men were in how they treated me. J told me, at various times in our relationship, that he was the only man who could ever love me. That no one else would put up with me and my crap (though I am not sure exactly what crap he was referring to - but I have the imagination to fill in those blanks on my own). S once said to me, and I'm paraphrasing but I think I'm damned close to the actual words b/c it is hard to forget something like this, "I am the person who knows you best in the whole world and I think you are a miserable human being." Wow. If that doesn't make you think twice about yourself, I am not sure what will.

The truth is, and I don't always see it as clearly as I did this morning, the things these men said to me have more to do with them than they have to do with me. Both men said those things b/c THEY got something out of it. Perhaps it was my reaction. Perhaps it was the ability to control me for a while longer. I don't know. But what I do know is that I need to stop running these comments through my head. I don't always, but on bad days I do.

Take care, dear reader. I'm me.

Pushy, pushy, pushy

It has occurred to me that I am always pushing forward towards something (or away from something).

I get antsy if I don't have my weekend plans set in stone by Wednesday. Even if my plan for the weekend is to do nothing - I need to know that several days ahead of time or I get antsy. This does not mean that I am married to my plans - I can be very adaptive. I just have to have plans.

I think this relates to my life in a pretty basic way. I'm pushing, pushing, pushing for a relationship. I really want one. I want someone in my life to care about and who will care about me in return. I have so much to give someone and I want, want, want.

My therapist asked me if I was always this way - pushing forward. I thought and had to answer her - yes. I have always been pushing. And I have to tell you, it is exhausting. And I know it is exhausting for those around me (because my mother has told me so!).

So, maybe it is time to stop pushing. Maybe it is time to wait for the world to come to me in some ways. To try and live in the present a little more and worry less about what I'm doing tomorrow. Live in my relationships (male and female) as they exist right now and not try to turn them into anything. Just wait for some kind of natural evolution.

I am not hopeful that I will be very good at this. But I am going to try. Really try.

And today feels good. But I can feel my insides pushing. But now my mind is pushing back.

Take care, dear readers.

I'm Baaaaaaack!

I considered giving up on blogging forever. Really, I did.

But I enjoy it. And it is the one constructive thing that I am really doing with my life right now and I look forward to it. So I continue.

The past two months I have been trying to reset my life. Yes, I've been doing that for the last year and a half but now things are different. I want to live a more sober, more responsible life.

That sounds very easy. It is not.

My life for the last thirteen/fourteen years has revolved around having a husband and, to some extent, drinking.

To change your life so dramatically is hard. I sat in my therapists' office and she asked me what I enjoyed doing. I wasn't sure. I didn't know.

So, I need to develop some hobbies. Some productive hobbies. I need to continue decreasing my alcohol consumption. I need to work out and lose some weight.

And, I have decided, I need to write.

So off we go - on another journey.

Take care, dear readers.