Double Edged Sword of Beauty

Girls are conditioned to want to be beautiful. I remember the first time looking good became a real issue to me. I was 11 or 12, right before puberty. I was heavy and was up north with my grandma, aunt, sister and cousins. I can't remember how the issue came up, but I remember liking a particular bathing suit and being told by my grandma (and aunt?) that it was not flattering. To prove their point, they took pictures of me in several of my suits and showed them to me. They were right - the one I liked was not as flattering. It did not matter to anyone that it was the suit I felt most comfortable in or that I liked the best. And none of them were flattering, I was a somewhat chubby kid before I went through puberty. But what I got out of that interaction was that looking good mattered. It's kind of ironic that the message was carried to me by my grandmother who always claimed that she was ugly because of her crooked nose. Perhaps she wanted her grandchildren to be beautiful. I don't know, but looks always seemed to matter to her. They did not, however, ever matter to my mother. To this day she still thinks I'm beautiful and clever and all those other great adjectives that only mothers can apply to you.

I am not a beauty queen. My looks have ranged from beautiful (when I'm at my favorite weight and try a little), to cute, to pretty, to downright frumpy (a term I learned to apply to myself thanks to my ex-husband). I just say that so you don't think I'm full of myself.

But good looks have not always been good luck for me. I mentioned that before puberty I was heavy. After puberty, I was slim - except for in one place. I had larger breasts than most of the girls in my class. I am sure this sounds like a dream to some women, but at age 13 and in 8th grade all you want to do is fit in. Big breasts and red hair do not equal fitting in. This was the first time I realized that being attractive was not necessarily a good thing. The summer after my 8th grade year I was assaulted by someone I was "dating." It is a source of neverending shame. I said no. I said it several times. I even physically fought him off. None of that worked, obviously. There is a lot of second guessing that can go into a situation like that. I came to grips with what happened weeks later. All I learned is that being pretty/desirable did not suit me.

Years passed. I was 19, in my first real summer internship after college working for an arts council. We were putting together an arts fair in a midwestern city. I loved my job. I took it quite seriously. I was working with a woman that was my mentor. I bought professional clothes. I was 19 (yes, I know I said that before). One day I was taken aside by this female mentor of mine that I so looked up to; she told me that if I wanted to be taken more seriously I needed to dress less "sexy." Dear reader, if you don't know me this may sound like reasonable advice. But if you knew me you'd know that I don't dress sexy at work. At all. This was a huge blow to me. My looks were now getting in the way of my professional career. And I have never been considered a beauty. I've always been considersed smart. That is my thing. So this was something that shook me. This conversation occurred within 6 weeks of an acquaintance assault in my dorm. Once again I learned that being pretty did not suit me. I gained 20 pounds in the next year.

It is easy to hide behind weight. If I get rejected because of my weight I can brush it off. I can always lose weight, you'll always be a jerk. Every time I lose weight, bad things seem to happen. In law school, I had an interviewer spend the entire time figuring out who I looked like just to come up with Nicole Kidman (I don't look like her) and then he switched from talking about the position to talking about his boat on the ocean.

Every time I screw up my self confidence and feel like I look good - something negative happens. Someone inappropriate hits on me. Someone rubs my leg at a professional dinner. Why does being attractive equate to an invitation to everyone to walk all over you?

I have started to come to grips with the fact that, at least for now, I'm cute. I am working to embrace this while still demanding respect in my social and professional life. For a girl who is basically a people pleaser this is hard.
But I'm trying. I hope to be able to share some serious victories in the near future. Stay tuned, dear reader....