My therapist has been out with a broken hip (I finally have an appointment with her tomorrow), so I have been deeply involved in the self-help books recently. A friend of mine suggested I read "Keeping the Love You Find" by Harville Hendrix.
I recently started the book and have to admit that, thus far, I have not been impressed. First, he starts from the theory that you can never be fulfilled as a person unless you are in a committed marriage. He is so arrogant as to go so far as to say that any other romantic arrangement will not make you whole as a person. Obviously that flies in the face of what I have learned in my Woman Alone book and I accept that book as truth.
Nevertheless, my friend has encouraged me to do the exercises and learn from them what I may. I have recently finished the exercises that lead you to a preview of your Imago (a theory that we choose our mate based on psychological gaps left by our imperfect parents). I began the exercises thinking that my exhusband and the kinda/sorta ex would be very similar in their qualities. I made this judgment based on some very basic similarities between the two - they are both attorneys (yes, someone should have warned me against attorneys), they are both politically and fiscally conservative, they were both athletic in their youth, etc. But, I could not have been more wrong. It turns out that very few of their positive/negative characteristics overlap. It appears that instead of being very similar types of relationships, they are actually very different.
After continuing the activities involved in looking at past relationships, I see that really the only thing that is similar between the two relationships is me. And the "Unconscious Relationship" I carry with me is very sad. My deepest fears are that I am unlovable, inadequate and not worthy. The things I desire most in a relationship is to feel loved, supported and valued. But this is harder than it sounds because any frustration that comes up causes me to default to the worst possible reason/solution - that the person doesn't love me, value or support me. How sad. I am pretty sure he is going to tell me that this is what I felt in my relationship with my father - which is probably pretty on the money. It was not worth his time or energy to spend time with me, to support my endeavors, or to share any emotion with me. That's a pretty heavy burden to heap on a young girl. No wonder I'm so screwed up!
I am not sure yet exactly what all this means yet, but will keep you posted...
8 comments:
FYI: my counsellor also disagrees with Hendrix that you have to be married to grow.
looks like you finally got something out of the book
why dear reader, is that an "I told you so"? lol.
I've been struggling with this same dilemma of whether to buy Hendrix's view that wholeness depends on others or not, and who it depends on.
I just wrote a post called Choosing Intimate Partners: To Repeat or Not to Repeat?. It's really all about exactly that question and which model to believe. You might find it interesting to read given your current situation.
Unfortunately, your blog is blocked at my office. I'll check it out this evening. It has occurred to me that following this model is dangerous in that one might be prone to project what Hendrix decrees to be their recessed traits on people who either don't have them or don't have them to the extent of their past relationships - thus creating issues that would not naturally exist. For example, if I believe I am attracted to people who are critical of me I am more likely to hear those criticisms whether or not they truly exist. I am of the belief that every relationship, just like very person, is unique and to attempt to apply strict rulse to either is a mistake.
Of course, I'm just in the first chapters... : )
Not an "I told you so" at all. Your unconsious relationship also sounds similar to a former partner.
anonymous - i am actually concerned that because I ended up with such a simplistic unconscious relationship that i'm not working the exercises hard enough - i mean who doesn't want a funny, supportive, loving, sexual partner? the downsides may be more telling: unaffectionate, self-involved, controlling and overreacting.
I personally found the negatives in my traits/relationships more important. I'd think you want the positives to repeat, but either avoid or heal the negatives. Still, simple awareness of the negatives is important on its own.
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