Open Apology

I am sorry. If you have known and loved me in the last 12 or so years, I am sorry. If you have tried to tell me that I'm great or worthy or beautiful or smart or accomplished or wonderful, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry because I didn't listen to you. I heard you, I'm sure, but I didn't listen to you. I brushed it off, I ignored it, said it couldn't be true. I may have even argued with you about how it was definitely not true. I even sat in my therapists office today and she told me I was gorgeous - I waved her off and continued my other thoughts.

I remember, very vividly, a night not so long ago when a particular person was trying to make me believe that I was good enough, smart enough, pretty enough - that I was all those things and more. And, believe it or not, instead of accepting it and thanking him - I fought him. I told him how wrong he was. I was trying to win an argument that I was not worthy (see how ridiculous this is?). I was vicious and not kind. I told him that he could think these things but I couldn't because "I don't have a penis and a sense of entitlement" (he loves throwing that line back at me, by the way...). I was awful.

So, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't hear you when you said you loved me. I'm sorry I couldn't accept it. I'm sorry I've been difficult and frustrating when you've tried to show me that I truly am worthwhile and truly am lovable and beautiful and smart and all those things. I'm sorry.

I finished counseling today and got in my car and cried. I didn't cry because I was sad, I cried because I was proud of myself. I cried because I could finally see the person that you, my friends, families, intimates, have seen. I cried because I realized how frustrating I've been to you. And I cried because I have turned the corner and am willing to start to accept that I AM worthy.

So, right here, right now, I want to apologize to you for not listening to you. I am hearing you now, loud and clear, and I thank you.

Take care, dear reader...