Professional Struggles

As I have mentioned before, I am using this space to help me work through my issues one by one. This one is related to my career. I said earlier that I am an attorney. I also said that being smart was "my thing." Well, let me tell you, dear reader, law schools are filled with smart people. I did well in my law school (a top 25 law school at that) and graduated cum laude. Despite this academic success, I could not find a job to save my life. This failure to land a job became the first major disappointment/failure in my life. It sent me into a fairly significant depression for a couple months in law school. I remember staying in my room and crying for hours. I was inconsolable (I do have a flair for the dramatic).

Eventually, I picked myself up and moved on. I moved to Florida with my ex-husband and in December after I graduated landed a job in labor and employment law (I was very picky back then) in Tallahassee, Florida. That job jaded me towards plaintiff's work and my ex-husband had moved to Atlanta, so I applied for jobs in Atlanta and took the first one that was offered: a staff attorney at the Department of Corrections. That job was where I truly began to flourish as an attorney and a professional. I had a fantastic mentor at that job who really took an interest and no small amount of pride in hiring and cultivating bright young attorneys. This man became, and still is, a father figure to me. I should have recognized how good I had it at the time, but I was still carrying an inferiority complex from my failure to get a big firm job. I left this job at the DoC three times. Once for defense work (I lasted 6 months) and then for the AG's office (I lasted 4 months). I needed to try out my options before I was able to admit to myself that government advisory work was what I enjoyed most. I enjoy drafting policies (God help me), statutes, and working with employees/managers to solve every day problems. It was after my stint at the AG's office that I determined that I was a "government attorney." At the DoC I wrote landmark legislation relating to the management of probationers, and did a wholesale revision the inmate grievance procedure. At the risk of sounding vain, I was very, very good at my job. I knew the intricacies of probation and corrections law backwards and forwards (and they are fairly complicated and intricate).

Despite my mastery of this position, my ex-husband continually poo poo'ed my job both to me and in front of others. I was always the person who had to go home to handle things (I made half what he did), he would comment to people that I was "just" a government attorney. This stung. It is amazing the toll that off hand comments can take - that is something for me to remember in my everyday dealings (and you too, dear reader).

As soon as I realized that I was meant to be a government attorney, I set my sights on eventually landing a job as General Counsel of a state agency. Two years ago I applied for the General Counsel position at a lesser known agency. I was hopeful, but not too much, I knew I was awfully young to land this kind of position. My boss was rooting for me. My ex-husband told me flat out that he didn't think I would get it.

Much to my surprise, in January of 2006 the agency called me and offered me the position. I was ELATED! It was a Tuesday and I remember calling my ex-husband to see if he wanted to go out and celebrate this new achievement. I remember he told me no, it was a week night. What a slap in the face. I was so disappointed. I contacted a friend of mine and she and I went for drinks, of course I had to leave early so that I could pick the dog up from doggy day care.

It has taken me some time to grasp and hang on to the fact that, for my age, I have achieved a great deal. I am general counsel of a state agency! People look to me for guidance and advice on a daily basis - and they listen to me and respect me. I don't have to be a "big firm" lawyer to have value as either a person or as an attorney. I am doing the greater good for society (or something like that). Most of my "big firm" lawyer friends have either gone the mommy track and work part time or they now work for government as well (some part time). Life has come full circle and I am beginning to realize that perhaps I have had the better deal all along.

Part of my "recovery" of myself is to take back all the self-esteem and respect that eroded out of me over the last several years. My job is important to me and it is vital that I accept and recognize that it is a great achievement and something to be proud of.

So, take care dear readers, we're going to trial in the next week or two, so I'll be taking care of that...