All I know is That I Should

I have always had a hard time putting into words what happened when I decided to leave my marriage. I came across a song recently that pretty much puts it into words.

Here are the lyrics:

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

And here is a link to a youtube video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6v_9H-NmqxY

Take care, dear readers.

Are You Judging Me?

Living with A has been an enlightening experience for me.

He asked me the other day if I was going to get out of my pajamas (actually a good question at the time). I got defensive and told him these weren't pajamas because I didn't sleep in them. He threw up his hands and said "whoa, I'm not judging." This same scenario (different items) has happened before with A. With the same result, he's not judging me.

Huh? You're a man and you're not judging every move I make and thing I do against some imaginary scale of perfection that I have in my mind? What, you have never seen that scale of perfection? That scale is just a figment of my crazy imagination? Huh?

Wow. It has been really interesting to sit inside my mind and watch these interactions and realize what is happening.

Take care, dear readers. I'm learning my lessons.

Fear of Failure

Before recently I did not understand the saying "what would you do if you didn't know you could fail."

Now I get it.

I feel paralyzed by my fear of failure at times. I set my sights on running the half-marathon. I have done half-marathons before, however I had J the uber coach helping me. This time I am doing it alone and all I hear in my ear is that I will fail.

What does "fail" even mean in this context? That I won't finish? That I won't run the whole thing? That I won't get a certain time?

And what if I do fail? What does that mean to me as a person? Does it mean I am not worthy of love and affection? Does it mean that I am worthless? That I will be alone and lonely for the rest of my life?

Of course, this is what I think. That if I fail, I am worthless and unworthy of love or affection. So instead of trying, I quit. Quitting is easier than failing.

But this does not help me grow as a person. My fear, wrought from my need for approval from my father, has crippled my growth.

And this is so stupid. Because if I fail no one will think any less of me. No one will withdraw their love or affection. I will just have to try harder next time.

As Dr. O said - Ihave got to shift this paradigm. And in a hurry.

Take care, dear readers, I'm trying to conquer this fear.

Putting on My Big Girl Panties

One more day. That is all I'm giving myself for this sulking. Just one more day.

It is time for me to grow the fuck up, put on my big girl panties and move on with my life.

I'm not going to push. I'm going to let life come to me. I have tried to push myself through recovering, into dating, etc.

But I'm going to stop sitting on my ass on the couch. I'm going to fold my laundry. I'm going to go for a run. I'm going to get out and live.

One more day.

Take care, dear readers.

Kidding Myself

Last week I tried to check out of my life. I just couldn't deal. I pretended, even here in this blog, that it was healthy.



It was not.



I am not sad. Nor can I muster happiness. I am empty.



I feel like I'm slogging through soup. Really thick soup. All the time. I do the bare minimum to get through my life.



I put on a bright face with people. Remember, I'm the ultimate chameleon - I can be whoever you want me to be. And I do that very, very well. If you aren't one of my readers you may never know how profoundly depressed I am.



I look for a trigger for this bout. And there is none. And that sucks. I have nothing to relate this to - nothing to work through. (not to say there aren't things to work through).



I just really can't manage my life right now. I flirted with the idea of asking my therapist to commit me. Seriously. I just want to run. To escape everything.



I am so disengaged from my life. I look around and I see people laugh and I wonder - how can they do that? Not to say I don't laugh, I do. But it is hollow.



I wasn't like this when I was married. Not to say I was happy, I avoided any kind of negative feeling. I felt nothing. I wonder now if that was better.



But as both my therapist and S have said - you can't unknow something after you know it. I can't undo the self-exploration, I can't be ignorant of my feelings again.



But damn. This sucks.



I have worked so hard to get, and I have gotten, the love and approval of others. This is a double edged sword. I feel like an impostor in my life. That and I have forgotten, or failed, to get the approval of myself.



Last night I stood in a room full of people who like me. And I cried. Not out loud. I wanted to crawl under the carpet.



I am going to close by asking you not to worry about me. I know this won't work. You will. So I will only ask forgiveness and understanding if I cancel on you. I'm trying really hard to get through something and I'm just doing the best I can.


Take care, dear readers.

The Bottom Line

I have had a serious boyfriend/husband/live-in for the last 13 years of my life. Someone always there.

For the last four and a half months I have been, for the most part, alone.

It has at times been uncomfortable - thus the frenzied dating. Trying desperately to get someone to fit into that mold. To be "that" guy.

My mother said something interesting to me last night - she said, "Diva, what if the bottom line is that you are just enjoying being alone right now?"

Hmmmmm. What if that is it? What if I am totally satisfied with my life as is and that is why I keep sabotaging my dates (which I am obviously doing). The actuary, the horny brit, the new guy - they are all wonderful men. Men who deserve to be treated well and with respect (well maybe not the horny brit).

My roommate (who I dated if you remember) asked me the same thing - why am I bothering when it is obvious that I'm not giving anyone a chance.

I find myself out on these dates and all I think about is how I'd rather be home alone or with my friends or family. If this isn't a "sign" I don't know what is.

I took most of this week off and just reveled in my own company. I did clean the house but that was about all I accomplished.

What have I done? I've enjoyed myself.

So, take care, dear readers. I'm alone and happy.

Reality Bites

I love my sister. I love her more now than I have ever loved her before. I could dissect this - figure out why, but I don't care. I love my sister. I love her husband. I love my nephew.

But I'm jealous, too. I see how much my mother loves my nephew (as do I, btw). And I know I may never give her anything to love like that. You can't look at a pet like that. If you do, I'll commit you.

I don't know if I want children. And partially that is because I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can give my all to someone else. There are some days I can barely get through by myself. I haven't listened to the news for a year b/c I couldn't see beyond the nose on my face.

But I saw tonight how my mom and dad looked at that baby. And it hit something in me. And I realized I may never get that look.

And it makes me ask -WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?

I don't know.

Take care, dear readers.

What to do, what to do...

I'm not sure what to say today but I feel the need to say, well, something.

My job is unsatisfactory. There, I said it. The job I have been working for since I started with state government is unsatisfactory. We are going through a huge budget crisis and for that reason nobody cares about the legal aspects. Not to say that they cared before. I feel useless. I am doing very little real legal work which I fear is dulling my skills. And worse yet, the more unsatisfactory it is, the less I want to go to work at all. I have taken this week off - though I am still doing everything I would do if I was in the office (spare my 1:00 naps) but I'm just not there. I am considering, once again, leaving for private practice or business. It is a bad time to look for a job for a couple reasons: a) no one is hiring and b) I haven't vested with the state yet - I am within a year. So, I'm stuck for a year.

Now there is an upside. I am sitting at my house writing this. No one cares that I am not at work. There will be very few jobs that offer me this kind of flexibility.

But I need to feel important in my position - like what I am doing matters to someone.

Ugh.

On the dating front, I am once again taking myself off the market. Or as A would say, putting myself on the shelf. I tell my dating tales and I see the looks in my friends eyes saying - "why are you doing this again? shouldn't you take some time off?"

I know they are right. But I've been officially single for nearly a year. My ex-husband has moved on. My ex-boyfriend has moved on. A friend of mine's husband died last year, she has moved on.

Me? I'm stuck! Or at least not open to a relationship. And that aggravates me. I feel like I'm on the short bus when it comes to relationships (which I likely am...).

Ugh. Again.

Take care, dear readers, I'm leaving my options open.

Big Ben, Parliament...

Sometimes I feel like I am going around in circles. Ending up in the same place every time. I think I'm making strides. I'm trying to move forward. I feel good.

Then I look around and I'm back where I started.

Hurt, skittish, lonely, beating up on myself for letting S slip back into my consciousness, for missing J, for hurting some other innocent person.

Big Ben, Parliament.

I'll get throught this, just like I've gotten through everything else.

And I'll get through it and end up back here again.

Big Ben, Parliament.

But every time I end up back in this sad place it will be a shorter and shorter visit. Until hopefully I never come back here again. This is the truism I'm holding on to - tightly.

What I want most now is closure with S. I won't get it. I have learned I rarely get everything I want.

Take care, dear readers, I'm going to try to break the cycle.

Landing Hard

My last blog reported that I was ready to jump off the cliff. I jumped.

And landed. Hard.

I am still sorting through my weekend. How I feel, why I acted like I did. Where to go next.

It is inevitable - fantasy is always better than reality. That is not a criticism of this guy. It is just a truism. In a fantasy - things are not just perfect but perfect in just the way you want them to be. One person's perfect is different from another's.

Also, two full days with another person is a little much for a first date. I enjoy my alone time. I crave it and need it. Otherwise I get grumpy.

I didn't get any alone time. I got grumpy.

Again, not blaming anyone. This is my problem - this is something I need to learn to speak up about before I explode.

I didn't do this. And this need for aloneness and the new guys incredible snoring was a one-two punch that I couldn't get through. Around midnight last night I asked him to leave the room (basically go home) so that I could sleep. I told him that I would end up hating him by the morning. And that is true. I would have. Snoring makes me CRAZY. My father snored like a chainsaw and some of my most aggravating childhood memories are me trying to sleep in the same hotel room with my father. Made me crazy. So, this all kinda came back to me and I needed him out of my room.

Yes, dear readers, another poor man left in my wake. I am sure you are starting to feel sorry for them - I know that I am. They have done nothing wrong but start to like me.

This guy likes me too much. Needs too much.

I can't fulfill anyone else's needs right now. I'm still wrapped up in my own.

Again with the I shouldn't be dating thing...

Take care, dear readers. I'm sorting it through.

Jumping Off The Cliff

I did something impulsive today (shocking!). I booked a plane ticket to visit the new guy. Shockingly cheap if you are impuslive like me and decide to fly less than 24 hours before you leave...

I don't know what sparked my decision. Is it because I have Monday off? Is it because I can't bear just talking to him via IM or on the phone any more? Am I just horny? (sorry, Mom).

I don't know. I'm excited, beside myself, about seeing him. I have gone to sleep many nights just thinking about what this visit might be like. That is a good thing because it is a great thing to fall asleep thinking about. It is a bad thing because what if it doesn't live up to my vivid imagination? What if he picks his nose? Burps? Can't speak in complete sentences?

No, I don't think any of those things will happen. I think that actually the scarier thing is - what if I really, really like him? Then what?

In the words of Scarlett - I won't think about that just now, I'll think about that tomorrow.

Take care, dear readers, I'm jumping.

Rambling

I paid yesterday and it didn't hurt all that bad. In fact, it left me wanting more. I was so terrified of that run after a week off (b/c I'm a slug) but it worked out well.

My quads are a little sore today but that is to be expected.

This roommate thing is working out really well, too. A and I sit on the couch watch tv, and work on our laptops, making snarky comments at the tv and alternately refereeing cat fights.

While I sit on the couch hanging with A, I'm often IM'ing with the new guy.

Having these two male relationships in my life makes me feel oddly settled. I sleep like a baby. I don't grind my teeth. I don't know what to attribute this to - perhaps it is finally the banishment of S from my life. He can no longer hurt me. He can throw his best barbs, his best insults and all I would do is laugh. What a sad, pitiful, little man he is - I feel sorry for him - and you know, dear readers, that I don't enjoy pity.

Perhaps it is attributable to the connection I am feeling with this new guy. I keep analyzing it, trying to poke holes in it, but I am always left thinking the same thing - I like this guy. He may not be the kind of guy I have normally dated - but look how that has always worked out for me. lol. I don't understand chemistry or the elusive "connection" but I feel fairly certain that I feel one here.

I know I'm rambling, I just wanted to check in and let you all know that things are good. Really, really good.

Finally.

Take care, dear readers.

Today I Pay the Piper

It is a simple thing called inertia. A body in motion tends to stay in motion - a body at rest, tends to stay at rest. That happened to me. And today it is time to get this body back in motion. No matter how much it hurts.

I said I was a slug last week - and I was. My plan to run Saturday and Sunday was scrapped in favor of relaxation.

Today I woke up feeling blobbier and frumpier than I had in some time (spare the good hair day). Blech.

It's time to pay the piper for all the relaxation, Moe's, piazza, and liquid rewards I have given myself in the last year.

It is time to hit the pavement. Even if it hurts. And it might. But it is time to stop pitying myself and babying myself and time to tell myself to buck up, little camper and get your shit together. It's been a year. The pity is over.

It's time to pay. And I might be a little short of my debt today - but every day that I eat better, run, and generally do the right things - I will get closer to paying off the debt.

Take care, dear readers. I'm digging my way out.

Learning the Wrong Lesson

I have been an utter slug this week. I only ran once, skipping my long run (don't tell A). I alternately ate poorly then ate very well. I drank more nights than I should have. I stayed home from work and did nothing for two days straight.

And after all that blobness, you know what happened? I lost 3 pounds.

Intellectually I know that any weight loss from this week has more to do with what happened last week or two weeks ago. But emotionally what I learned this week is that being a blob will help you lose weight.

Why did I get off course this week? Well, there are two reasons. First, A is moving in on Sunday so my days of opening a bottle of wine and reading magazines are over for a month or so (this is a positive thing) as is skipping runs. Second, I'm happy.

I know that doesn't make much sense. But hear me out. When I am unhappy, I go out every night, fill my life with people, do anything to avoid spending time alone with myself. This week that is all I have wanted - to spend time with myself at home. Doing nothing but enjoying my own company.

That being said, my plan is to run both tomorrow and Sunday morning and get back to my schedule for next week.

Take care, dear readers, I'm on my last couple days of slug-dom.

Fear and Overanalysis in Atlanta

I have something interesting in my life. Or rather, I'll say someone.

I didn't expect it. I wasn't really looking for it. But it happened. I am interested in this person.

And I'm scared. Scared because I swear to God I cannot go through pain the way I felt it this summer. I simply CAN NOT take it.

So I analyze and analyze and overanalyze. I have, up until today, been too afraid to just let go and feel. But today I decided that I can't live in a bubble forever. And I deserve that giddy feeling you get in your stomach/chest when reading a particularly sweet note from someone you like. I deserve to feel like a 7th grade girl when thinking about a crush.

So, I'm taking the leap. I'm going to put my heart out there and LIVE.

Take care, dear readers - I'm gonna jump!

Confession

I have a confession to make.

I emailed S last Thursday after Les Mis.

Sometimes I am somewhere and my memories of him come rushing back like a tidal wave and they are hard to fight off. My friends and I started off with dinner at Ecco.

Strike one.

Ecco was where S took me to dinner to win our bet on the NCAA basketball tournament. We were also kinda getting back together at the time. It was a good night.

Then we went to see Les Miserables.

Strike two.

That show always makes me bawl like a baby and the whole loving someone that doesn't love you back thing that Eponine does just about made me lose it. On top of that, S once called me on a business trip and I was listening to it and I told him I cried every time. He thought that was cute and endearing. So I cried more. I was a sniveling, snotty mess by the end of the show (ask G - he always gets to put up with me when I'm that way - sorry!).

We saw the show at The Fox.

Strike three.

Not that S and I have ever been to The Fox together but for some reason I always find myself thinking of him when I'm there (see the Naughty Puppets post for reference).

So, with three strikes under my belt I succumbed to temptation. Ugh. I did tell him that I wasn't asking him to be part of my life - just that I needed to vent these emotions.

After my release, how did I feel? Terrified. Every red light on my blackberry scared me for a couple days. I realized I didn't want to hear back from him, partially because I was afraid what vitriole he'd spew but also because I just can't have in my life right now.

But mostly I am left with the question - why can't I shed him? What am I getting out of holding on to this pain? I know I've dealt with this before and I will continue dealing with it until I can get through it. I deserve better than how I was treated in our relationship (at the end at least). I guess I am just still mourning that part of the relationship that was good. The part that I wasn't ready to accept at the time, the part that I threw away. I almost immediately regretted it, but like a speeding train, there was no stopping what happened. He was too damaged to open up again to me and I was too damaged to ask for forgiveness.

Life is going pretty well - despite the fact that I called in sick today for no apparent reason. Just a burning desire to stay at home. I'd feel guilty about this but for the fact that I have spent much of the last nine months avoiding being alone with myself that I am thrilled to now be embracing it!

Take care, dear readers - things are not as dark as they seem and there may even be a bright spot on the horizon...