I love my sister. I love her more now than I have ever loved her before. I could dissect this - figure out why, but I don't care. I love my sister. I love her husband. I love my nephew.
But I'm jealous, too. I see how much my mother loves my nephew (as do I, btw). And I know I may never give her anything to love like that. You can't look at a pet like that. If you do, I'll commit you.
I don't know if I want children. And partially that is because I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can give my all to someone else. There are some days I can barely get through by myself. I haven't listened to the news for a year b/c I couldn't see beyond the nose on my face.
But I saw tonight how my mom and dad looked at that baby. And it hit something in me. And I realized I may never get that look.
And it makes me ask -WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?
I don't know.
Take care, dear readers.
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