As if...

As if you have not noticed, I am taking a break from blogging. I have personal stuff going on and am dealing.

Talk to you later.

Giddiness and the B Side

Several weeks ago I wrote a post about how I thought my heart was opening up. That I might be ready to really tiptoe into a relationship again.

I do not know why I was so certain that was the truth. But I believed it then and things have happened lately that make me think it might be true.

This week I had two second dates (remarkable for a one and out like me...). One is 39, in supply side consulting. The other is 34, owns his own business and plays semi-pro poker.

I like them both a great deal.

But I am REALLY into the poker player. We had our second date Thursday night and I have been giddy ever since. He sent me a text the next day saying how much fun he had and how he was looking forward to seeing me again (a third date????). I enjoy feeling like this - looking forward to a text or a phone call. It is fun to feel this way again.

And it is scary. That is the B side of giddy. I asked him yesterday when he'd get to see me again - and I haven't heard from him since. So, I get to go through this litany of things - wondering if I pushed too hard (how is that possible when I have sent exactly one text in the last 24 hours), if he found someone better, etc.

I am laughing at myself and how ridiculous this sounds. I have had a whopping two dates with this man. If he is more into someone else that is perfectly okay.

But knowing this doesn't keep me from looking at my phone every 15 minutes or so - did he call? did he text?

So I am sitting home alone tonight wishing he was here. Of course, I could have asked him out myself... But that would be way to straightforward - why do that when you can be passive aggressive. (sarcasm, folks...).

So I am laughing, I am giddy, I am nervous, I am scared.

But most of all I am glad that I'm finally in this place.

Take care, dear readers.

Giving Thanks

Here I sit - the first Thanksgiving after my divorce was final. I have thought a lot about my past and my future this week.

I reminisced about the big, wonderful Thanksgivings that I have spent at my grandmother's house. (I actually dreamt about that house this week ...). Thanksgivings with all my aunts, uncles, cousins, great aunts/uncles and some "fake" aunts and uncles. There were always lively conversations, great food and just a very warm feeling.

The grandmother of a guy I know died this week. That took me back to the Thanksgiving that my grandmother spent with me the year before she died. That year I cooked "the most beautiful turkey ever" - or so she said. She was on me all morning about putting in the turkey - she was worried it would not get done in time. It did and it was beautiful and tasted great. I have a picture of my mother and my grandmother at that Thanksgiving in my office. My grandmother was alive the next Thanksgiving but was in the hospital. She did not make it to Christmas.

I received the call that she passed away while I was putting up my Christmas tree that year.

Last year S was in my life. For Thanksgiving and Christmas. I reminisced a lot about that, too. I am grateful to him for being there for me during a difficult time. I am glad we speak civilly, though not frequently, now. I don't enjoy grudges and do not carry them well. I like to believe that if I cared about you, that there is still something in there worth caring about - and I hope the reciprocal is true.

I put up my tree yesterday. I bought a new tree (a fancy pre-lit one) and thought it very fitting that I start my new life, in my new house, with a new tree. With each decoration I took out and placed on the tree, I reminisced. Each ornament has a memory attached and I relived them all yesterday. The good, the sad. They are all beautiful (the memories, that is...).

I asked my tree as I was putting it up what it would see in its life with me. Would I get married? Have children? Move into a mansion? Move into a shack? Leave Atlanta all together?

Stubborn tree would not respond. But I am looking forward to finding out with my tree what is around the next corner.

But most of all - and I said it before so I won't belabor it now - I am thankful for all of you. My family, my friends, those of you who don't know me well but send me warm thoughts. Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Take care, dear readers.

That Same Fucking Fear

I said in an earlier post that I have to lose weight. I do. I feel absolutely miserable.

My diet stuff came on Friday and one would have thought with this feeling miserable and all that I would have dove right into the diet thing.

What did I actually do?

I enjoyed one last binge on all the foods I won't be allowing myself when I start.

So you would have thought that today, Monday, I would have started full boar.

But I didn't. I binged again tonight on chex mix, chips and hot sauce.

Ugh.

Why won't I just start?

Because I am terrified. I am terrified I'll fail and let myself down.

This is so unbelievably stupid.

Tomorrow is a new day. I will leave my house prepared to fully stick to this diet. Then the second day will be easier. And the third easier yet (though it is Thanksgiving).

I have done this before (lost weight) and it is never as bad as I think it is going to be. It is really the first step - the commitment that is the hard part. I just have to dig deep down and assure myself that a) I can do it and b) I am worth it.

Take care, dear readers.

Look Left, Look Right

There are times in your life when you must weed out your friend garden (so to speak). I've gone through those times - they are tough.

But here I sit - on the edge of another holiday season (something I love more than anything). And I look around - and all the people that are in my life right now are people that love me. Just me. Just the way I am. They don't want me to change. They'll encourage and support me if I want to change, but they don't need me to change to love me. And I feel the same way about them.

I think this was probably the case last year but I was in such a weird space that I could not appreciate it.

I appreciate it this year. And know, that if you are reading this blog, that I love you back. And you have helped me, in your own way, so much in the last year.

What am I thankful for? I am thankful that I have refound my relationship with my mom and sister. I love and appreciate them both now more than I ever have before in my entire life.

I am thankful for my good friends. The ones that let me cry, the ones that make me laugh, the ones that aggravate me with the knowledge that I should haul my ass out of my funks. I love you all. If I return your emails, I love you. If I pick up your phone calls, I REALLY love you.

Take care, dear readers and know that it is you for whom i am thankful. you have done more for me than you will ever know.

First Steps

OK, I have to admit something to you all. I have gained weight. Ugh. A year ago, before my divorce, I looked awesome. I kept my weight off for nearly a year. I started packing back on the pounds in February. Ugh.

I was in denial for most of the summer. I can no longer afford denial.

So, I called a very famous dieting group and I'll be starting my diet next Monday. I'm excited to get back on track, start feeling better about myself and get some of this weight off.

This time I'm not doing it for my husband, a boy friend, my mother, etc. I am doing this for me.

I would like to lose 40 pounds. That would put me at a weight 15 pounds less than I was last summer.

So, join me on this journey. I appreciate all your support and kind words (should you have any).

Take care, dear readers. It is time to lighten up.

Closed for Renovations

I have had a very strange year. Ups, downs; highs, lows. All to get here.

I was out running the other day and had the very literal sensation that my heart was opening up. That maybe I am ready to let someone in again. I have a lot to give the right person and while I was dating this summer in the name of finding that someone - it was never going to happen. My heart was closed. Shut. Locked. Down for renovations.

And now it seems the renovations may have been completed because the doors are opening up.

I had two very good dates this weekend. I hope (and think I will) see both men again. I let go and just enjoyed myself with them. No pushing for something more; no self-loathing or self-doubt. Just had fun.

And it felt good.

Take care, dear readers - my heart has reopened.

Food, Shelter, Love - In That Order

I have done and am doing some very, very foolish things in the name of finding love. I shake my head at myself and know what I am doing is foolish but I move forward with it anyway.

It makes me feel foolish and ashamed at times. I thought I was the only one doing these idiot things.

I have learned through some conversations lately that I am not the only one doing this foolish nonsense. Most of my friends are or have done similar foolish nonsense in the search for love.

This has led me to the hypothesis that the search for love, not the familial kind, but the happily ever after kind, is a human drive just as real as the search for food and shelter.

No, I'm not going to be applying for the Nobel Prize for this discovery because I am pretty sure that some other people have come to this conclusion first.

I just wanted you to know that I have come to the same conclusion!

Anyway....

Take care, dear readers I'm searching for love.

Thoughts on Dating

It is no secret that I have been on again/off again dating. I have mostly been meeting these men through internet sites - both match.com and eharmony.com. It is frustrating.

First, it is frustrating to realize that you are not going to meet men the way you used to - in class, at a party - knowing that everyone there is your age and single.

Second, it is frustrating to realize that not a single of your friends knows a single guy that is worth dating.

Third, you feel a bit like a piece of meat in a supermarket for everyone to peruse and either pick up or pass on.

And all of those frustrations are before the actual date!

There are a couple different kinds of men on those sites: the kind that is looking for a quick fuck and the kind that is looking to get married. There appears to be very few in between.

What is frustrating about actually meeting these people in person. First, you wonder where in hell they got those pictures? And why they said they were 6'0" when they are actually 5'7". But those things are superficial. As long as the mans looks don't totally turn my stomach, I'm OK. I am not a terribly superficial person as is evidenced by some of the men I've dated. It is more important to me that they are interesting and treat me well.

You have a lot of first dates on those sites. Very few second dates in my experience. I think this is for a couple reasons - first, people expect there to be an instant "click". At very few points in my life have I ever felt that instant click and when I have it ended miserably (T in Chicago, for instance). Most of my good relationships have grown out of friendships and the men have literally grown on me - I wasn't attracted to them at first but eventually their attitude, sense of humor and friendship endeared them to me (as was the case with J, S and A). So, I am not sure if it is possible for me to find what I'm looking for on a website where people are looking for the instant click.

Second, there are a plethora of options. Right now I am talking to about 6 guys. I imagine that each guy is talking to at least 2 girls. So, they show up at the date, don't feel an instant click and think - well, no big deal - I have the other girl. And they keep doing that because there are so many people on that site they figure they are going to find that instant click with someone so they chase and don't give the OK first dates a second chance.

But, ultimately, what most of us are looking for is someone that we enjoy spending our time with.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for better or for worse. This doesn't mean I'm getting out of the dating game just looking at it differently.

Take care, dear reader.

A Retrospective

I was thinking during my run/walk this morning about the saying, "that which does not kill you makes you stronger" in terms of the last year or so. I have had some really crippling bad times and some times where I was kidding myself that I felt better.

But looking back this morning with a clear head and a heart unburdened with grief (for either S or J) I was able to see how much I have grown in this past year. I was able to see what an incredible woman I am.

As I rounded a corner and headed down a hill, I was thinking about how I am about to start a really positive and exciting time of my life. All my choices are mine. And finally, unburdened of most of my grief, I am in a position to make the most of this opportunity.

And I must mention that I write this as A is playing fetch with the little black kitty. Too funny.

Life is good.

Take care, dear readers.

The Next Step

I haven't blogged much lately because, well, there hasn't been much to talk about. And this is not a bad thing. With an adjustment in medication and some serious therapy sessions, I have pulled myself out of the crippling depression that gripped me for most of October and my life is on a very normal, even keel.

Now moving forward. This step is hard. My crippling fear of failure may rear up to hold me back. But I have plans. Plans for my life and things I want to do that reflect no one's ambitions or desires but my own.

I think running as a goal is a holdover from my marriage - that is certainly a goal my ex would approve of - but it is not my goal, not my passion. Running a half marathon to prove him wrong is the wrong motivation. Not being a quitter, I'm still doing the half marathon - but I will walk some and run some. And be happy about that.

I've begun to wonder what I want from my life. I want to teach law classes at the technical college. Maybe just for a semester, but I want to try it. I want to take acting classes at the Alliance. I want to go to spin class again. I want to get up early and get things accomplished like I used to. My job is totally unsatisfying but I have a year before I vest so I have to stay. In that year I am really going to do all that I can to determine my next step.

I am going to work on decorating my house. Paint the walls the colors I want. Buy the accessories I want. Make it my haven.

Anyway, the point is that it looks like I'm about to take the next step. And I'm scared. And I'm excited. But most of all, I'm ready.

Take care, dear readers.

All I know is That I Should

I have always had a hard time putting into words what happened when I decided to leave my marriage. I came across a song recently that pretty much puts it into words.

Here are the lyrics:

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

And here is a link to a youtube video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6v_9H-NmqxY

Take care, dear readers.

Are You Judging Me?

Living with A has been an enlightening experience for me.

He asked me the other day if I was going to get out of my pajamas (actually a good question at the time). I got defensive and told him these weren't pajamas because I didn't sleep in them. He threw up his hands and said "whoa, I'm not judging." This same scenario (different items) has happened before with A. With the same result, he's not judging me.

Huh? You're a man and you're not judging every move I make and thing I do against some imaginary scale of perfection that I have in my mind? What, you have never seen that scale of perfection? That scale is just a figment of my crazy imagination? Huh?

Wow. It has been really interesting to sit inside my mind and watch these interactions and realize what is happening.

Take care, dear readers. I'm learning my lessons.

Fear of Failure

Before recently I did not understand the saying "what would you do if you didn't know you could fail."

Now I get it.

I feel paralyzed by my fear of failure at times. I set my sights on running the half-marathon. I have done half-marathons before, however I had J the uber coach helping me. This time I am doing it alone and all I hear in my ear is that I will fail.

What does "fail" even mean in this context? That I won't finish? That I won't run the whole thing? That I won't get a certain time?

And what if I do fail? What does that mean to me as a person? Does it mean I am not worthy of love and affection? Does it mean that I am worthless? That I will be alone and lonely for the rest of my life?

Of course, this is what I think. That if I fail, I am worthless and unworthy of love or affection. So instead of trying, I quit. Quitting is easier than failing.

But this does not help me grow as a person. My fear, wrought from my need for approval from my father, has crippled my growth.

And this is so stupid. Because if I fail no one will think any less of me. No one will withdraw their love or affection. I will just have to try harder next time.

As Dr. O said - Ihave got to shift this paradigm. And in a hurry.

Take care, dear readers, I'm trying to conquer this fear.

Putting on My Big Girl Panties

One more day. That is all I'm giving myself for this sulking. Just one more day.

It is time for me to grow the fuck up, put on my big girl panties and move on with my life.

I'm not going to push. I'm going to let life come to me. I have tried to push myself through recovering, into dating, etc.

But I'm going to stop sitting on my ass on the couch. I'm going to fold my laundry. I'm going to go for a run. I'm going to get out and live.

One more day.

Take care, dear readers.

Kidding Myself

Last week I tried to check out of my life. I just couldn't deal. I pretended, even here in this blog, that it was healthy.



It was not.



I am not sad. Nor can I muster happiness. I am empty.



I feel like I'm slogging through soup. Really thick soup. All the time. I do the bare minimum to get through my life.



I put on a bright face with people. Remember, I'm the ultimate chameleon - I can be whoever you want me to be. And I do that very, very well. If you aren't one of my readers you may never know how profoundly depressed I am.



I look for a trigger for this bout. And there is none. And that sucks. I have nothing to relate this to - nothing to work through. (not to say there aren't things to work through).



I just really can't manage my life right now. I flirted with the idea of asking my therapist to commit me. Seriously. I just want to run. To escape everything.



I am so disengaged from my life. I look around and I see people laugh and I wonder - how can they do that? Not to say I don't laugh, I do. But it is hollow.



I wasn't like this when I was married. Not to say I was happy, I avoided any kind of negative feeling. I felt nothing. I wonder now if that was better.



But as both my therapist and S have said - you can't unknow something after you know it. I can't undo the self-exploration, I can't be ignorant of my feelings again.



But damn. This sucks.



I have worked so hard to get, and I have gotten, the love and approval of others. This is a double edged sword. I feel like an impostor in my life. That and I have forgotten, or failed, to get the approval of myself.



Last night I stood in a room full of people who like me. And I cried. Not out loud. I wanted to crawl under the carpet.



I am going to close by asking you not to worry about me. I know this won't work. You will. So I will only ask forgiveness and understanding if I cancel on you. I'm trying really hard to get through something and I'm just doing the best I can.


Take care, dear readers.

The Bottom Line

I have had a serious boyfriend/husband/live-in for the last 13 years of my life. Someone always there.

For the last four and a half months I have been, for the most part, alone.

It has at times been uncomfortable - thus the frenzied dating. Trying desperately to get someone to fit into that mold. To be "that" guy.

My mother said something interesting to me last night - she said, "Diva, what if the bottom line is that you are just enjoying being alone right now?"

Hmmmmm. What if that is it? What if I am totally satisfied with my life as is and that is why I keep sabotaging my dates (which I am obviously doing). The actuary, the horny brit, the new guy - they are all wonderful men. Men who deserve to be treated well and with respect (well maybe not the horny brit).

My roommate (who I dated if you remember) asked me the same thing - why am I bothering when it is obvious that I'm not giving anyone a chance.

I find myself out on these dates and all I think about is how I'd rather be home alone or with my friends or family. If this isn't a "sign" I don't know what is.

I took most of this week off and just reveled in my own company. I did clean the house but that was about all I accomplished.

What have I done? I've enjoyed myself.

So, take care, dear readers. I'm alone and happy.

Reality Bites

I love my sister. I love her more now than I have ever loved her before. I could dissect this - figure out why, but I don't care. I love my sister. I love her husband. I love my nephew.

But I'm jealous, too. I see how much my mother loves my nephew (as do I, btw). And I know I may never give her anything to love like that. You can't look at a pet like that. If you do, I'll commit you.

I don't know if I want children. And partially that is because I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can give my all to someone else. There are some days I can barely get through by myself. I haven't listened to the news for a year b/c I couldn't see beyond the nose on my face.

But I saw tonight how my mom and dad looked at that baby. And it hit something in me. And I realized I may never get that look.

And it makes me ask -WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?

I don't know.

Take care, dear readers.

What to do, what to do...

I'm not sure what to say today but I feel the need to say, well, something.

My job is unsatisfactory. There, I said it. The job I have been working for since I started with state government is unsatisfactory. We are going through a huge budget crisis and for that reason nobody cares about the legal aspects. Not to say that they cared before. I feel useless. I am doing very little real legal work which I fear is dulling my skills. And worse yet, the more unsatisfactory it is, the less I want to go to work at all. I have taken this week off - though I am still doing everything I would do if I was in the office (spare my 1:00 naps) but I'm just not there. I am considering, once again, leaving for private practice or business. It is a bad time to look for a job for a couple reasons: a) no one is hiring and b) I haven't vested with the state yet - I am within a year. So, I'm stuck for a year.

Now there is an upside. I am sitting at my house writing this. No one cares that I am not at work. There will be very few jobs that offer me this kind of flexibility.

But I need to feel important in my position - like what I am doing matters to someone.

Ugh.

On the dating front, I am once again taking myself off the market. Or as A would say, putting myself on the shelf. I tell my dating tales and I see the looks in my friends eyes saying - "why are you doing this again? shouldn't you take some time off?"

I know they are right. But I've been officially single for nearly a year. My ex-husband has moved on. My ex-boyfriend has moved on. A friend of mine's husband died last year, she has moved on.

Me? I'm stuck! Or at least not open to a relationship. And that aggravates me. I feel like I'm on the short bus when it comes to relationships (which I likely am...).

Ugh. Again.

Take care, dear readers, I'm leaving my options open.

Big Ben, Parliament...

Sometimes I feel like I am going around in circles. Ending up in the same place every time. I think I'm making strides. I'm trying to move forward. I feel good.

Then I look around and I'm back where I started.

Hurt, skittish, lonely, beating up on myself for letting S slip back into my consciousness, for missing J, for hurting some other innocent person.

Big Ben, Parliament.

I'll get throught this, just like I've gotten through everything else.

And I'll get through it and end up back here again.

Big Ben, Parliament.

But every time I end up back in this sad place it will be a shorter and shorter visit. Until hopefully I never come back here again. This is the truism I'm holding on to - tightly.

What I want most now is closure with S. I won't get it. I have learned I rarely get everything I want.

Take care, dear readers, I'm going to try to break the cycle.

Landing Hard

My last blog reported that I was ready to jump off the cliff. I jumped.

And landed. Hard.

I am still sorting through my weekend. How I feel, why I acted like I did. Where to go next.

It is inevitable - fantasy is always better than reality. That is not a criticism of this guy. It is just a truism. In a fantasy - things are not just perfect but perfect in just the way you want them to be. One person's perfect is different from another's.

Also, two full days with another person is a little much for a first date. I enjoy my alone time. I crave it and need it. Otherwise I get grumpy.

I didn't get any alone time. I got grumpy.

Again, not blaming anyone. This is my problem - this is something I need to learn to speak up about before I explode.

I didn't do this. And this need for aloneness and the new guys incredible snoring was a one-two punch that I couldn't get through. Around midnight last night I asked him to leave the room (basically go home) so that I could sleep. I told him that I would end up hating him by the morning. And that is true. I would have. Snoring makes me CRAZY. My father snored like a chainsaw and some of my most aggravating childhood memories are me trying to sleep in the same hotel room with my father. Made me crazy. So, this all kinda came back to me and I needed him out of my room.

Yes, dear readers, another poor man left in my wake. I am sure you are starting to feel sorry for them - I know that I am. They have done nothing wrong but start to like me.

This guy likes me too much. Needs too much.

I can't fulfill anyone else's needs right now. I'm still wrapped up in my own.

Again with the I shouldn't be dating thing...

Take care, dear readers. I'm sorting it through.

Jumping Off The Cliff

I did something impulsive today (shocking!). I booked a plane ticket to visit the new guy. Shockingly cheap if you are impuslive like me and decide to fly less than 24 hours before you leave...

I don't know what sparked my decision. Is it because I have Monday off? Is it because I can't bear just talking to him via IM or on the phone any more? Am I just horny? (sorry, Mom).

I don't know. I'm excited, beside myself, about seeing him. I have gone to sleep many nights just thinking about what this visit might be like. That is a good thing because it is a great thing to fall asleep thinking about. It is a bad thing because what if it doesn't live up to my vivid imagination? What if he picks his nose? Burps? Can't speak in complete sentences?

No, I don't think any of those things will happen. I think that actually the scarier thing is - what if I really, really like him? Then what?

In the words of Scarlett - I won't think about that just now, I'll think about that tomorrow.

Take care, dear readers, I'm jumping.

Rambling

I paid yesterday and it didn't hurt all that bad. In fact, it left me wanting more. I was so terrified of that run after a week off (b/c I'm a slug) but it worked out well.

My quads are a little sore today but that is to be expected.

This roommate thing is working out really well, too. A and I sit on the couch watch tv, and work on our laptops, making snarky comments at the tv and alternately refereeing cat fights.

While I sit on the couch hanging with A, I'm often IM'ing with the new guy.

Having these two male relationships in my life makes me feel oddly settled. I sleep like a baby. I don't grind my teeth. I don't know what to attribute this to - perhaps it is finally the banishment of S from my life. He can no longer hurt me. He can throw his best barbs, his best insults and all I would do is laugh. What a sad, pitiful, little man he is - I feel sorry for him - and you know, dear readers, that I don't enjoy pity.

Perhaps it is attributable to the connection I am feeling with this new guy. I keep analyzing it, trying to poke holes in it, but I am always left thinking the same thing - I like this guy. He may not be the kind of guy I have normally dated - but look how that has always worked out for me. lol. I don't understand chemistry or the elusive "connection" but I feel fairly certain that I feel one here.

I know I'm rambling, I just wanted to check in and let you all know that things are good. Really, really good.

Finally.

Take care, dear readers.

Today I Pay the Piper

It is a simple thing called inertia. A body in motion tends to stay in motion - a body at rest, tends to stay at rest. That happened to me. And today it is time to get this body back in motion. No matter how much it hurts.

I said I was a slug last week - and I was. My plan to run Saturday and Sunday was scrapped in favor of relaxation.

Today I woke up feeling blobbier and frumpier than I had in some time (spare the good hair day). Blech.

It's time to pay the piper for all the relaxation, Moe's, piazza, and liquid rewards I have given myself in the last year.

It is time to hit the pavement. Even if it hurts. And it might. But it is time to stop pitying myself and babying myself and time to tell myself to buck up, little camper and get your shit together. It's been a year. The pity is over.

It's time to pay. And I might be a little short of my debt today - but every day that I eat better, run, and generally do the right things - I will get closer to paying off the debt.

Take care, dear readers. I'm digging my way out.

Learning the Wrong Lesson

I have been an utter slug this week. I only ran once, skipping my long run (don't tell A). I alternately ate poorly then ate very well. I drank more nights than I should have. I stayed home from work and did nothing for two days straight.

And after all that blobness, you know what happened? I lost 3 pounds.

Intellectually I know that any weight loss from this week has more to do with what happened last week or two weeks ago. But emotionally what I learned this week is that being a blob will help you lose weight.

Why did I get off course this week? Well, there are two reasons. First, A is moving in on Sunday so my days of opening a bottle of wine and reading magazines are over for a month or so (this is a positive thing) as is skipping runs. Second, I'm happy.

I know that doesn't make much sense. But hear me out. When I am unhappy, I go out every night, fill my life with people, do anything to avoid spending time alone with myself. This week that is all I have wanted - to spend time with myself at home. Doing nothing but enjoying my own company.

That being said, my plan is to run both tomorrow and Sunday morning and get back to my schedule for next week.

Take care, dear readers, I'm on my last couple days of slug-dom.

Fear and Overanalysis in Atlanta

I have something interesting in my life. Or rather, I'll say someone.

I didn't expect it. I wasn't really looking for it. But it happened. I am interested in this person.

And I'm scared. Scared because I swear to God I cannot go through pain the way I felt it this summer. I simply CAN NOT take it.

So I analyze and analyze and overanalyze. I have, up until today, been too afraid to just let go and feel. But today I decided that I can't live in a bubble forever. And I deserve that giddy feeling you get in your stomach/chest when reading a particularly sweet note from someone you like. I deserve to feel like a 7th grade girl when thinking about a crush.

So, I'm taking the leap. I'm going to put my heart out there and LIVE.

Take care, dear readers - I'm gonna jump!

Confession

I have a confession to make.

I emailed S last Thursday after Les Mis.

Sometimes I am somewhere and my memories of him come rushing back like a tidal wave and they are hard to fight off. My friends and I started off with dinner at Ecco.

Strike one.

Ecco was where S took me to dinner to win our bet on the NCAA basketball tournament. We were also kinda getting back together at the time. It was a good night.

Then we went to see Les Miserables.

Strike two.

That show always makes me bawl like a baby and the whole loving someone that doesn't love you back thing that Eponine does just about made me lose it. On top of that, S once called me on a business trip and I was listening to it and I told him I cried every time. He thought that was cute and endearing. So I cried more. I was a sniveling, snotty mess by the end of the show (ask G - he always gets to put up with me when I'm that way - sorry!).

We saw the show at The Fox.

Strike three.

Not that S and I have ever been to The Fox together but for some reason I always find myself thinking of him when I'm there (see the Naughty Puppets post for reference).

So, with three strikes under my belt I succumbed to temptation. Ugh. I did tell him that I wasn't asking him to be part of my life - just that I needed to vent these emotions.

After my release, how did I feel? Terrified. Every red light on my blackberry scared me for a couple days. I realized I didn't want to hear back from him, partially because I was afraid what vitriole he'd spew but also because I just can't have in my life right now.

But mostly I am left with the question - why can't I shed him? What am I getting out of holding on to this pain? I know I've dealt with this before and I will continue dealing with it until I can get through it. I deserve better than how I was treated in our relationship (at the end at least). I guess I am just still mourning that part of the relationship that was good. The part that I wasn't ready to accept at the time, the part that I threw away. I almost immediately regretted it, but like a speeding train, there was no stopping what happened. He was too damaged to open up again to me and I was too damaged to ask for forgiveness.

Life is going pretty well - despite the fact that I called in sick today for no apparent reason. Just a burning desire to stay at home. I'd feel guilty about this but for the fact that I have spent much of the last nine months avoiding being alone with myself that I am thrilled to now be embracing it!

Take care, dear readers - things are not as dark as they seem and there may even be a bright spot on the horizon...

I Don't Know Who To Be Mad At

I hate ending sentences in prepositions - but it happened, and I've heard it's OK now so I'm going to live with it.

Again, digressing...

I sat with A the other day explaining to him why I wanted to run this half marathon. Every time I really start talking about it I tear up. But I was explaining to him how J was never at the end of a race for me. We ran half marathons together but he'd get sick of my pace, run ahead and finish first. The last half marathon we ran in Vegas he went back up to the room after he finished. I finished alone. Every race I ever ran, he was never there at the end to hug me and tell me what a great job I did. It makes me tear up just thinking about it.

Sitting across from me in my office, A said something interesting. He said to me - "this is one of those times where I don't know whether to be mad at him or mad at you."

He has said that to me before. And what he is saying, I think, is that he doesn't understand why I would put up with that and he is mad that I don't stand up for myself or didn't believe I was worth more. And he's right. Hearing it from him I can see how stupid I was to take some of that. Amazing when you get a glimpse of yourself through someone else's (less critical) eyes.

I sat with another friend, L, this past Sunday. And I was recounting my breakup with S (we hadn't talked since then). In a weak moment I admitted that I still had feelings for S and that, I am aggravated with myself for it. After hearing the breakup and aftermath story he asked me - why don't you think you deserve better than what he gave you? What are you getting out of holding on to this?

I know what it is. It goes back to the dad thing. I chase and chase and chase after male affection. If it comes too easily it is not believable.

Yes, I understand this is stupid. Male friends like A, L, G are all helping me see that. I have amazing things to offer and I shouldn't have to chase. There are moments - like the night out with B, when I told her "I don't chase, I get chased" - that I seem to get it. But there are other moments when I revert back. Luckily there are more "chase me" moments than there are "I want to chase."

I have had a nice run. I feel good. But to think all is "fixed" is unrealistic. I feel good, but I'm still working. And I'll continue to work.

Take care, dear readers. I'll see you at the finish line.

Going Organic

Push, push, push.

I am impatient and impulsive. Not the worlds best combination. I want what I want and I want it NOW, if not yesterday.

Apply this to dating and you have a royal mess. A girl looking desperately for a relationship (that quite honestly she does not need right now) and buzzing through men like toilet paper looking for the right fit. I push. I push. I push. Because I'm impulsive if that person doesn't fit immediately, I blow right through to the next person.

This is making the search feel hopeless and running into J with his new girlfriend yesterday didn't help any. Why can he find a relationship and I can't? How come he can move on? Not to mention the fact that I could tell that he hasn't changed at all. All the things that made me crazy about him, they were all still there. H walked 6 feet in front of her, running from chili stand to chili stand - barely looking back to make sure she was there. That always made me feel like shit. like a second class citizen.

But I digress.

Love is organic. It cannot be forced. You will not find it when you are looking for it.

So, I'm backing off. Officially today. I am again done looking for dates. That does not mean I am done dating. I am done searching.

I am going to sit back and let my life happen organically.

Take care, dear readers.

The Biggest Bitch Walking

Last night I had two dates. Not the two I thought I had, but two nonetheless. First one was OK. Second one was awful. I left him at the bar with a full beer. I was finished. I had no desire at all to sit there and make small talk with this man who turned me off in every way. Perhaps if the cute bartender had stayed, but I digress....

Today I had a date with the actuary. I was kinda looking forward to it. But after 5 hours I started to get pissy. I just wanted him gone. I wanted him to go home so I could sit in front of the TV and watch football, drink wine, fall asleep, blog - anything but be with him.

I refuse to spend an evening in a way I don't want to spend it. If he had stayed I would have been miserable. He would have felt it. No one would have been happy and it would have been a perfectly good Saturday down the drain.

I have been unhappy enough in my life that I refuse to do it again. And I refuse to apologize.

If being a bitch means knowing what I want - then I'm the biggest bitch on earth.

Take care, dear readers.

It Takes A Village

I was pondering my last year while on the airplane to visit a dear friend of mine (why do I ponder so much on airplanes?). And a thought kept recurring in my little head:

It Takes a Village to Raise a Diva (or me).

Every single person that has come into or touched my life in the last year (and likely longer) has taught me an important lesson or helped me over an important hurdle.

Initially, it was LK. She was the first person I turned to when I thought I was going to leave my husband. I was terrified to tell her, terrified of what she would think of me. I can still remember where we were sitting when I told her. And she just looked at me calmly and told me her only concern was that I was happy. Her reaction gave me the strength I needed to go get happy. It was not long after that conversation that I left my house. LK also saved my butt this past weekend when I left my keys in my dear friends car - 1000 miles away.

Then there was CD. Again, I was afraid to tell CD. In fact at the beginning I only hinted to her what was going on - I merely told her my husband and I were having "problems" and that I might need somewhere to stay for a while. Without asking a single question beyond whether I was OK - she offered up her basement bedroom/bathroom. This was where I stayed, licked my wounds, stretched my legs and started to find out what it was like to be me again. I look back at the time I lived in her home very fondly. I love to go over and visit - it smells just like that time - when I was feeling empowered and strong for having taken that first step. Throughout this entire process CD has been patient with me - listening to me cry about S for the umpteen millionth time. Watching me struggle, watching me succeed.

BC has also been a steadfast friend. But mostly she taught me what it was like to be a friend back. She has had boyfriend troubles and I recently had the opportunity to be the friend to someone else that CD and LK were to me. What a gift. From BC I learned that not only do I have amazing friends, I am also an amazing friend. A strong woman who can carry her friends in times of need.

Even S has taught me something. He taught me that it is possible for me to have a love much bigger than the one I had with my exhusband. He taught me to be introspective. He taught me to be more careful with people's emotions - to not take people for granted. He also taught me to recognize when something is over and to let it go.

My mother has been amazing. Always steadfast and supportive - sometimes nosy and asking more questions than I want to answer at the time. But the unconditional love I get from her is worth its weight in gold.

TR - my friend from Cleveland - who shook me after my break up and reminded me of the girl I was back when. That visit was the beginning of my rebound back to human.

GR - who has given me the proverbial kick in the pants at times. Who is always willing to listen, commiserate, drink wine and give great advice.

AD - he taught me that I'm still attractive. I'm still fun. I'm still capable of being girlfriend material. Now he's teaching me that I have the motivation to do what it is that I want to do - I am not a quitter, I do not lack discipline.

And so many other people that have shared their stories and heartaches with me or who have listened supportively to my stories and heartache. I could never have done it without you. I am here, in this really great place, because of you.

I love each and every one of you. And I hope that someday I can even pay back a little of what you gave me.

Take care, dear readers. I'm all growed up.

Ode to 30-something Women

A couple weeks ago a friend depressed me by saying that most men "my age" are interested in 20 year old women.

Now, pulled out of my funk and with a new attitude - I wonder why this upset me at all.

A) I don't want to be a 20-something woman again. Filled with all the fear and doubt and not understanding myself, my career, my life, my friends. and B) I don't want to date men "my age" who would rather be with these women.

30-somethings have it all over these women.

Sure, we may not (or may) be as taut as those women in the body. But we are "taut" where it counts.

We know what we want. We have no need to play games with anyone's heart. We are honest, forthcoming, and know ourselves well enough to know what works for us. And what doesn't.

We have our own. Our own career, our own homes, our own money, our own social group, our own friends. We won't suck off yours or try to hold you back. We won't whine when you have to work late or want to hang with your friends as long as you don't whine when we do the same - because we will.

We aren't going to use you. We have everything we need. We have money, friends, etc. We don't expect you to pay. Bottom line, we don't think dollars drip from mens penises. We are grateful and flattered when you do choose to pay because we know what it means to earn our own money.

We are unbelievably beautiful. This beauty goes beyond low cut shirts, high heels and size 0 baby doll dresses. We have the beauty of women who are happy with themselves, who have learned their lessons. The beauty of women content with their lives. We can take or leave you. We would love to have you as part of our lives but we don't need you. We're beyond that. All we need is our friends, our families, our careers, our causes. We are already fulfilled. We aren't looking for our other half. We are looking for another whole to compliment us.

And if this scares you and makes you want to run to the 20-somethings. So be it.

Take care, dear readers. I'm already whole.

All is Calm

After a whirlwind of social activity and on the cusp of another whirlwind, I sit here at home. Quietly enjoying the evening. Watching TV, doing laundry, thinking I should probably clean the house but choosing to play on the computer instead.

Normal stuff that everyone does.

I didn't cry. I didn't drink. I didn't overeat (well, at least I resisted the Moe's temptation).

My jaw has remained unclenched. I feel relaxed. I'm looking forward to my run tomorrow morning.

I'm tired. I'm looking forward to getting into bed and reading my book.

After a year of crazy ups and downs - I feel like a normal person tonight.

And that is making me smile.

Take care, dear readers.

Closer to Fine

"The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine." - Indigo Girls

If you have been following my blog for any period of time you know how much the music and lyrics of the Indigo Girls have meant to me over the past year. This month marks a certain anniversary. I left my husband exactly one year ago this month.

I look back at the past year and so much has happened. So much strife, pain, and work, hard, hard work. I've wanted nothing more than to get "my" life back. But the trouble has always been - I don't know what my life looks like quite yet. And I certainly didn't know a year ago. It is impossible to get back to something when you don't know what it is.

I went to see the Indigo Girls last night. I was sitting there, under a clear blue sky, with two good friends, surrounded by a crowd of strong, independent women, and listening to my heartache being sung by these two amazing women. I was sure I'd cry - fall apart like I did at the Cure concert.

But I didn't. Something remarkable happened. I realized, for the first time in months, my jaw wasn't clenched. My body was relaxed. I was calm.

Surrounded by friends and looking forward to the possibilities my life holds - I felt closer to fine.

Take care, dear readers.

The Veil Has Lifted

I have been so, so busy this past week. I've added running to my routine and got all three of my runs in despite being out of town for work two nights this week. Of course, I was traveling with my coach so it was hard not to avoid.

Anyway, something very magical happened this week. I stopped thinking about S. I didn't even realize it. Then I realized that he just wasn't coming to mind. How freeing that was.

And then I got my groove back a little bit while out of town. I socialized and hobnobbed and flirted with the presidents. I haven't done that in a while. And they are all so nice to me. They told me I'm beautiful, that S outkicked his coverage, that I was out of his league, etc. I ate it up.

So, here I am, feeling pretty good about my life as the veil that has clouded my vision has lifted.

I have a busy, social/active weekend, so....

Take care, dear readers, I'm seeing clearly now.

Running on Emotion

I have discussed my running (love and hatred of it) here in the past few days. I have set a goal for myself and have enlisted A to help me achieve it.

I have decided to run the Thanksgiving Half Marathon. I know, I've set goals before and failed to reach them.

This one is going to be different. It HAS to be.

When I was with J he told me that I lacked self-discipline. That I couldn't stick to a workout or training plan. Basically that I am weak and lazy (thought, admittedly, I don't think he ever used those last two words - it was the message I was hearing). And all the goals I've set in the past year that have gone unmet have done nothing but reinforce my idea that I can't do it - that I have no self-discipline. I've allowed those words to create who I am.

While going over my training plan today A asked me about my motivation. I told him I wanted to do it to prove to myself that I could. That I am not lazy, undisciplined. That I can set a training progam and stick to it. I nearly cried saying it (am nearly crying typing it).

I am terrified of failing at this. Afraid that it will be just one more person in my life who will see that I am undisciplined.

But mostly I am afraid that I will just continue to believe it.

Take care dear readers, I'm running on pure emotion.

Avoidance

I avoid dealing with difficult issues. Perhaps that is why I am over-concerned with S. I'm avoiding the real issue - my failed marriage.

I am not sorry about the divorce. But I miss my friend. J and I were such good friends. We could complete eachothers sentences. We enjoyed the same things. Hell, we practically grew up together - meeting and starting to date when we were 22. I remember when we were friends and we said, no matter who each of us married we'd get together and watch the Superbowl together.

Now he won't return an email.

I know that when I chose to get a divorce that I no longer had the privilege of dictating what our relationship would be like. But I really never thought it would cease to exist entirely.

And for that, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for so many things related to my marriage/relationship with J.

A man recently asked me about something in my past that I wish Ihad handled differently. I was honest and told him how much I regrettted the way I ended my marriage. I haven't heard from him since (which I predicted). But it's true. It is my life's only regret.

J has moved on and is dating someone new. I have heard not so flattering reports about her. That makes me sad. I want him to be happy. I really, really do. Though I will admit these not so flattering reports may be things that he is looking for; many of our friends wives were aspiring stay at home moms that also had nannies. I could never be that girl. I have heard the new girl is a bit uppity - so maybe that works for him. I don't know.

But I miss my friend. I just keep sending emails - about ND, the UFC, general friendly emails - with the hope that eventually he'll respond and we can be friends.

Take care dear readers - I'm giong to try to face the real issue.

Timing is Everything

I think it is amazing how the universe sometimes knows what you need and sends it your way.

I had a rough day yesterday. Felt very down about myself, was reminded by a "friend" that most men my age who are "normal" are interested in dating women in their 20's therefore, he said, it is going to take you a lot longer to find someone.

*sigh* Gee, thanks. I'm too old for normal men my age. Fan-fucking-tastic.

So, I was feeling down. Cried. Missed S (yes, you all want to kill me, I know). Interestingly, didn't miss J. But that is neither here nor there. Last night I hosted a party and the actuary came as my guest. I thought I liked him, I don't. He aggravated me last night. I think that once he gets comfortable and behaves like "himself" that is when I don't like him. When he is walking on pins and needles I do - but that is no way to live.

So I have to cut him loose.

Also, neither here nor there.

Back to feeling kinda yucky. The phone rang. Of course, I didn't answer. Then my answering machine picked up and I heard a friendly voice from a long time ago. My old friend - L - is scampering away from Charleston to avoid the hurricane and is coming to hang out with me for the night. I look forward to seeing L, catching up, and again - like when I visited Cleveland - feel like what I felt like before all this happened. Before life got so fucking hard. Back when everything was ahead of me and I was sure I would not fail.

Take care, dear readers - I'll be stepping into my time machine.

Unfaithful

This is going to sound unbearably stupid and many of you will want to reach through the computer and throttle me. I don't blame you.

But the truth is there is a part of me that feels like liking the actuary and enjoying him is actually unfaithful to S. Or maybe to the pain that I've carried around, like a security blanket, since we broke up in early June. Like if I lose that pain I'm losing a part of me.

I don't know really how to explain it. But how ridiculous is it to be sad that you might be getting over your pain?

I was telling the actuary a little bit of why J and I split last night. And he looked at me, truly puzzled. He asked me why a strong, outspoken woman like me put up with that for so long. I didn't answer. What was I going to say? My therapist says I'm emotionally challenged when it comes to male relationships? That if I don't learn my lesson, we'll end up just like that? That I will teach you how to treat me like that?

Ugh.

Only I can take a somewhat happy date and turn into something semi-miserable.

Ugh.

Take care dear readers, I'll be working on how to say good bye to that pain (and to stop being so unbelievably stupid).

How Do You Eat An Elephant?

I feel - off. Something is out of step. I'm not quite right. I can't put my finger on it, but I'm off.

I have these grand aspirations. I'm going to run a half-marathon, go on a diet, quit drinking, rid myself of credit card debt, focus at work, become a great president of a charity, spay all the stray animals, create world peace and end the mortgage crisis. And those are just my goals before noon.

My aspirations (and only some of the above are true goals) are so high that they paralyze me. I am so afraid that I am not going to live up to them - and there are so many of them that I end up not living up to any of them. I find myself rooted to my couch, playing computer games, unable to do any of them. I so desperately want to get my life back on track that I want to do it all in one fell swoop.

The problem is that I am recreating my entire life. From scratch. And I can't do it all at once.

So, here is my plan. Take one thing. Focus on it for three weeks (as I have often said it takes three weeks to create a habit). Do the best I can on the other things but make one thing priority. Then move to the next.

Take care, dear readers. I'll be eating this elephant one bite at a time.

Getting Back Together

This week, I have weakened and let an old love back in my life. I say weakened because I know this love is bad for me. It makes me feel bad about myself. But it is so good at the time.

The last time I visited this love was right around the time I moved into my new home (almost 3 months ago). I didn't realize that would be the last time I would see him, it just worked out that way. I just kinda drifted away and didn't think about him. Until recently.

Now I can't get him out of my mind. I start thinking about him in the morning and think about him until I can go see him. It is an obsession.

I know it's wrong and I know I have to break it off. In fact, I think today will be the last time I visit him for quite some time.

So for now we'll say goodbye dear readers to my rekindled love of Moe's.

Take care, dear readers. I'm going to be resisting temptation (starting after lunch...)

Love/Hate Relationship

I hate running. Hate it. It is umcomfortable, sometimes it just plain hurts. It takes up precious time I could use to do nothing. I hate getting up early to beat the heat. It makes me sweat profusely, run through too many pairs of socks, bras, underwear, tshirts, etc. I look like an overripened tomato. I hate it.

I love running. I love when I get in the groove and my mind just floats away. I love hearing my feet pound on the pavement. I love the way it makes me look and feel. I love the flush in my cheeks after I've cooled down a bit. I love the way it serves as a moving meditation. I love what it does to my mental state. I love it.

So, I have juggled my priorities and have decided to prioritize running (though this morning I did prioritize sleep - maybe I need to remind myself of my priorities). My half marathon training will drive the rest of my social/work schedule. I have asked A to serve as my running "coach" for the half marathon. He is going to help develop a plan for me - and since he sees me every day at work he'll check in with me about how I'm doing.

I love how running and training for an event can bring structure to my life. Like a puppy, I need structure but rebel against it. And also like a puppy I have always relied on others (J) to provide it for me. It is time for me to provide and maintain structure for myself. To fold the clothes that have been sitting clean in the hamper for three days while I fritter away my time doing other things. They are clothes I need to run. See how this might work?

Take care dear readers - I'll be running.

What do you want?

I have been thinking about what I want in a partner.

I want someone who, when I'm having a bad day, will just take me in their arms and tell me it will be OK. Even if it won't. To tell me I'm OK. Even if I'm not. When I'm bawling my eyes out is not the time to teach me a lesson.

I want to see in their eyes that they are proud of me. Even if they are disappointed, I want to see that tempered with affection.

I just want someone who likes me. As I come to them. Not that they would like me (or like me better) if I did X, Y, or Z.

I want a partner that loves me like I love my friends (or as I have loved my past partners). I ask nothing more from them than how they come to me. I love them just as they are. I am more than happy to help them reach and grow and be more. But if they never want to, I love them as is.

Where is that person? Why is it so hard?

Take care dear readers - I'm searching...

Nice Guys Finish Last

I know, I know - I swore off dating until January 1.

Who reading this thought that was even remotely a possibility? Yeah, no one raised their hand.

I reported that I am finished with A. I like A, continue to like him as a person, so I don't want this to come off weird. A is a player. He has several women, a stable, to choose from on any given night. A player isn't necessarily a bad person. A never lied to me about it nor did he rub my nose in it. But I don't want to be part of a stable. I deserve someone who just likes me (yes, I said this before). I am enduring his TN gf putting pictures of him and saying sappy stuff about him on her blog. I am not jealous, but it doesn't thrill me to see someone that I care about and that I think cares about me mooned over by some other chick.

But, I digress...

The point of this blog is that nice guys finish last. A is not a "nice" guy. He plays the game. He will show open interest, ignores the rules (or invents his own) and makes you like him almost instantly (or in my case, after 10 months). But he doesn't want a relationship, he just likes the chase.

Nice guys want to get to know you. They want to talk to you, learn about you - open up to you. The want to be, well, nice. And all of this doesn't ignite that "spark" that makes you want to spend every waking minute with them. It may ignite a slow burn that will eventually turn into that spark - but sometimes it is such a slow burn you can barely tell it's lit.

And sometimes your own expectations will douse that tiny little ember.

For instance, M (the actuary). Nice, nice guy. Told him nearly a month ago that I couldn't date right now. We remained friends and I'm probably going to go out with him again later this week. I want to give him an honest chance because I liked him before my mind started freaking out. And I can't guarantee my mind won't start to freak out again.

Another for instance, I had a date yesterday with B. That was why I thought I was going to throw up. I met B on a different online thingy (match.com feels like a meat market). Anyway, met B yesterday for brunch after a couple days of exchanging many emails and a phone call (yes, dear readers I used the fucking phone). Had a nice brunch, I really enjoyed it. It is hard for me to get over the difference between how someone really looks and how they look in their pictures. He resembled his pictures but didn't look exactly like them. This is not to say he wasn't good looking - he was. Just the disconnect is hard for me to get over. Of course I should probably assume that they are thinking the same thing with me ("there was no double chin in her picture..."). Anyway, there was no spark (there was more there than with M, but not like S or A or....).

But then I was thinking yesterday afternoon - what the hell am I expecting from a first date? Most people I have had that spark with I have known for many months before it blew up. Why do I expect it to be there in a first date? I don't live in a freaking movie or a soap opera (despite the blog title). I live in the real world, with real people, who are sometimes boring, sometimes nervous, sometimes make a better second or third impression.

At the end of brunch yesterday B hugged and kissed me on the cheek (was he aiming for my lips and I turned my head? who kisses a girl on the lips for the first time waiting int he valet line in front of Babette's at 1:15 in front of the church crowd?). Now I'm wishing I hadn't turned my head or did (if I didn't) so that he would have kissed me full on. But I'm an idiot.

Anyway, I think I digressed again...

The point is B said he'd call me later this week. What does that mean? I sent him an email thanking him for brunch and that I had a nice time and that he has nice hands (I once commented on finding male hands attractive). But I haven't heard anything back. Is he going to call? Did I disappoint?

I think I did it again (digressed)...

Anyway, the point of this damned blog is this: I'm giving the nice guys another chance. Though reading back over this I'm starting to wonder if the spark with B wasn't maybe just a little bit more visible than I'm letting on. Or that he is playing the game correctly. Or ....

Ugh.

Take care, dear readers before I digress again...

Reflections from August

I know it is not over yet, but I predicted that August would be a make it or break it month for A and me. So, what's the verdict?

Break it.

There are several reasons, none of which had to do with the blackmail/smear campaign that S attempted late last week.

First, there is just no spark. What???? How could there be no spark - he's 28 with a killer body??? Have you lost your mind??? Maybe. But he feels like a really good friend or a brother - not like someone I want to throw to the bed and ravage.

Second, I know that he has the girl in TN and, I am only guessing, at least two here in town. I am not the kind of girl who can be #4 (or even #2) for long. I deserve to be #1.

Third, when I was in Florida I didn't miss him. Not one bit. I didn't wish he was there with me. I didn't want to hear his voice.

It has just run its course. I anticipate we'll transition back to being good friends nearly as seamlessly as we transitioned into whatever this was. No discussion needed.

And I'm fine. I'm starting to develop a real calmness for being by myself. I'm starting to develop an idea of what I want and deserve in a romantic relationship. Until then, I'm pleased to see that my entire week is free. And I am pleased to spend my free time with my close friends and my family.

I'm doing well and I'm thrilled to report it.

Take care, dear readers.

Rambling...

Despite the impending arrival of Tropical Storm (or Hurricane?) Fay I am enjoying my beach vacation. Today I spent most of the day in my room reading. I can't tell you how relaxing and enjoyable that was.

I have rarely admitted this here, or in my own mind for that matter. But I miss J. He was my best friend. The person I told everything. He knew me. Knew what every look, every sigh, every movement meant. Now, I won't lie, that can also be a problem because in the rare cases he was wrong he couldn't be convinced.

But this is neither here nor there.

I am not saying that I regret what I have done. I needed this time alone. I needed to feel responsible for my own life - to fly without a net. I sometimes wonder, however, what might have happened if I had had this opportunity prior to us getting married. Would it have worked?

I don't know.

I mentioned the storm rolling in to the beach. I was just out on the beach. The wind is raging, the waves are huge, the surfers are thrilled.

And I sat there, looking internally for that hole of mine.

And you know what?

I couldn't find it. I just saw a faint indentation where that hole was - like it had just been filled. And I realized that I'm content. Or happy. I'm not sure it matters.

The hole is gone. I can drink to that.

Take care, dear readers.

And the Waves Keep Crashing

I am away on my solo vacation on a beach in a southern state. It could not have come at a better time. Last week was very stressful - what with all the stalking and etc. All I could think of was driving away this morning and leaving it all behind me.

When you're feeling like this it is a great idea to go someplace where there is something bigger than you (like the ocean). I sat on the beach this afternoon. I felt fat and bloated and self-conscious.

Slowly, as the waves kept crashing, and the wind kept blowing those feelings dropped away from me. The waves don't care that you'd be happier losing 10 pounds. The wind doesn't care that you didn't do your hair or put on make up this morning.

I got up, sans cover up, and walked the beach. And the waves kept crashing. And the wind kept blowing. And the sun warmed my back. And I was sloshing through the water when I realized I was smiling.

This past year has been hard. I have made some good decisions, I have made some bad decisions. I have thrown away a lot of energy loving someone who clearly did not deserve it.

I kept walking. And the waves kept crashing. And the wind kept blowing. And I realized that every choice I have made in life has brought me here. And I am so happy right here that I wouldn't take back a single one. Not the dumb ones, not the smart ones, not the ones that ended up hurting me.

I turned around and walked towards my chair. And the waves kept crashing. And the wind kept blowing. And I felt myself (my soul?) stretch into those areas that have scared me so much about being alone. I could feel myself stretching and getting limber and strong for all the new journeys that are in front of me.

And the waves will keep crashing. And the wind will keep blowing. And I will continue to grow and stretch into myself.

Take care, dear readers.

Life's Challenges

I watched a movie recently where one of the characters stated that life is a struggle, then you die.

I pondered that. I think that is true.

Life is challenging. Not always in a negative way, but it is challenging. And I think that if your life isn't challenging you need to evaluate whether or not you are living your life fully, authentically. If you are pushing yourself to be more, experience more, live more than you had before.

I went along to get along for several years. My life was predictable and uneventful. Days upon days looked exactly the same. I was numb. I forgot who I was, what I was. I forgot to live authentically.

I broke out. Now my life is full of challenges. Some good, some bad, some just incredibly fucking bizarre. But they are mine. And they are a result of me making my own decisions - the hard ones. The ones that make you cry as you realize what you have to do. But you do it anyway because it is the right thing for you to do. I live my life fully. I love my friends, family fully. Openly. I am trying to live fearlessly. It is hard. But I'm happy. I'm alive.

Take care, dear readers.

MINE

This blog has been a great place for me to work through my feelings, my hardships. I have looked back over the posts at times to find strength, to assure myself that I will be OK.

I have been asked at times to change items in my blog. I have been asked to remove references. I have never done it. And will never do it.

S asked me yesterday, in no uncertain terms, to remove the Finale post and to never post about him again. I won't do it. No matter how much he threatens, I won't do it.

This is my place to discuss my life, my views, my deepest thoughts and feelings. If you, dear reader, do not like what you read here - just stop reading. No one is forcing you to come here. I will not censor myself or make certain topics off limit because it does not please a reader (even my mother).

On to other items.

I may be losing my mind. A is temporarily homeless (don't ask). He has some stuff at my house and will be house sitting for me next week while I'm at the beach.

I think I might be losing my mind because I like that his stuff is here. I like that he stayed here last night (while I was out of town). I like seeing his clothes hanging in my closet. I like that he wanted to come to my house and stay with me the first night he came back when he was so exhausted he was slurring his words. I like how he holds me at night while we sleep. I like that he asked me what I needed at the grocery store.

Ugh.

Take care, dear readers I'll be trying not to lose my mind.

The Finale

Every good play, musical, movie, book has a great finale. An exclamation point telling you it is time to go home or turn off the light and go to sleep.

Today was The Finale with S. I know, I know - I said that in my July 2nd post. But this time it is real. It is real because I was the one who did it. I told him I can't be his friend. And what did I get in return? A big, hearty "fuck you."

Charming.

But the real question is this - how do I feel? I feel good. I took the appropriate steps to remove something from my life that was crippling me. This was the breakthrough I referred to yesterday. I was finally able to take the steps necessary to stop this cycle.

I'm free. I'm alone. I'm happy.

Take care, dear readers.

Sooooo Close

I am so close to a major breakthrough I can practically see it on the horizon.

In fact I could feel it breaking through last night (I will tell you that tears apparently will stain taffeta or whatever it is my throw pillows are made of). And today in the therapists office.

I feel, in some ways, like I'm breaking out of a shell, a cage, something that has held me back. Perhaps for my entire life.

I see visions of myself (not real visions, mom, it's a figure of speech) laughing, joking, walking down the street. Being me. The me I was when I was 16. The me that was rarely wrong, that was so sure of myself. The me that there was before life hit me. The me that insisted I was God when I was younger. This may be why my parents never baptised me. I mean seriously - who can baptise a deity? (this is a joke of course - perhaps she'll see fit to the share the story...).

I have learned that I can be very happy alone. I know it. Deep down in the pit of my soul, I know it.

Now it is just a matter of execution.

Take care, dear readers. I'll be executing (not literally, of course...).

It's Back

My anxiety is back. I noticed it very vividly this morning. I recognized it. Felt the tightness in my chest, the clench of my jaw.

Now the search for why. And what to do about it.

I will tell you that it has passed for the most part. It likely always lingers inside me like a coiled up tiger waiting to pounce. But for now I have tamed it or backed it off.

But I did a nice job this morning of sitting with it, feeling it. Isolating its causes, effects, and experimented with some solutions. (deep breathing and the like). And it has subsided. At least for now.

It was unreasonable for me to think that I wouldn't have another bad moment. And I don't think I really thought that. It is just a disappointment since last week was going so well.

So, here is my plan - I'm going to continue my day. Go home, work out. Perhaps go through some boxes that still need to be unpacked. Basically live my life.

Take care, dear readers - I have a tiger by the tail.

Couples, Couples Everywhere

Friday night I met my friend G at a restaurant situated right next to a movie theater. There were couples everywhere. Young, old, ugly, attractive. Couples, couples, couples.

And you know what thought was running through my mind?

I was thinking how awful that looked. How constraining and stifling it looked to be part of a couple. I wasn't jealous. I was sure they were jealous of me. I have the freedom to do what I want, whenever I want. I don't have to worry about what movie my significant other wants to see. I don't have to worry about what tv show he wants to watch. I can leave my shoes all over my living room.

I am pretty sure this is a good sign...

Take care, dear readers.

How Far We've Come

Every once in a while I look around and ponder my life. I am doing it this morning.

A year ago I was living in Adams Crossing with chores, a husband and a dog. Today I am living by myself in Kirkhurst. With chores (my own), no husband, no dog.

I miss the dog.

I have come so far in a year. So many changes. All for the better. I am laying in my bed in my master bedroom right now. I love it here. It may be my favorite place in the entire universe. Something about this house loves me. And I love it right back.

Take care dear readers, I'm reveling in my accomplishments.

Befriending the Enemy

I have been in a 25 year fight with my body. Ever since I realized what "fat" was I 've been fighting it. And mostly, in my harsh judgment, losing the fight.

This morning I got up and looked at myself in the mirror naked (something I do every morning). And you know what? I liked what I saw. I like my curves. I like the dimples above my butt. I like the shape of my butt - I like that it sticks out a little - like a real butt should. I like the way my shoulder blades stick out of my back. I like my belly. I like my arms. I like the way my breasts sit on my frame. My thighs are not nearly as awful as I have always thought and my calves are downright sexy. My hair, my face - I like all of it. So finally I think I'm there:

I like me.

Take care, dear readers.

Help Me Out!!!!

I am faced with a bit of a conundrum and I am soliciting your advice - so get off your hands and give me some damned comments on this!

It has to do with A. I dropped him off at the airport today - he'll be gone for a week in Europe. I'm OK with that. In fact I'm hoping to learn a little something from it.

Here's the issue. A and I have been friends for a while and I know that last fall he met this girl - J. He and this girl (she's 34 - does that make her a woman?) really clicked and since then he has seen her as much as is probably possible (she lives in TN and has 4 kids). I pretty much know that she is in love with him. And I have a gut feeling that he may be in love with her - if not love he at least has some very strong feelings for her. A is homeless for August (don't ask) and will be spending nearly 10 days with J.

Perhaps I should be jealous. But I'm not. You see the thing is - I've checked out this girls blog and - I actually like her. I'm rooting for her. She is divorced. She had resigned herself to never finding someone she clicks with ever again (been there/am there...) and then A comes into her life and they click.

I know how special and wonderful it is to click with someone like that (S...) and part of me wants to just back out and say - "you know, I think you two have something special and I just don't want to get in the way of it."

I know that I'll never mean as much to him as she does, in the same way that I know that he'll never mean as much to me as S does.

A and I have fun together, we like and respect eachother but there is, realistically, no future there.

So, the question is: should I make way for true love or enjoy myself while it lasts?

Take care, dear readers I'll be eagerly awaiting your responses...

Ho Hummmmmm

As I settle into my aloneness and try to cobble together some sense of routine for myself, less and less is happening of note. I suppose this is a good thing.

Last night I had to work late and came home around 7pm. I ate dinner (salad and a quesadilla for those who care...) and plopped on the couch. There I stayed. Until 10:30 when I went to bed. And I slept. Like a baby. I'm back to loving my sleep and that is a good thing.

The one big step forward last night was that I didn't turn on my computer. Not once. Just me, the tv and the cats. And again, I was perfectly content.

Tonight I have a date with Pete (my spin instructor). And then another date with the couch - Pete wears me out.

Take care, dear reader - hopefully I'll continue to bore you...

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

I have to break up with someone this week.

But you're not dating? It isn't A, is it? - I can hear you thinking these things.

No, I'm not dating. No, I'm not breaking up with A (besides he leaves for Europe tomorrow - he doesn't really even have a chance to piss me off enough to break up with him this week - maybe next week though...).

I have to terminate someone's employment. Firing someone is really like a break up. There will likely be tears. There will be a demand for an explanation. And even if I do explain, the explanation will never be enough for the person being terminated. Every kindness we extend to this person will be viewed as "just rewards" for being treated so badly by the organization. The meeting will leave us both feeling sad, tired and a little more empty than when we went into it.

So, if it sucks this much, why do it? Because, like in a break up, it is the right thing to do for my organization (or in the case of a break up - for myself).

Also similar to a break up I hope that the person being terminated takes a look back and learns some lessons from the experience - no matter how difficult. I have, in the past week, had the opportunity to look back at my relationship with S with a clearer eye. I see my mistakes, I see my positives. I'm not naive enough to say I'll never repeat them again, but being able to analyze them clearly is a step towards avoiding the same mistakes in the future.

I hope the person I terminate will eventually look back at this experience and realize it helped her grow as a person.

Take care, dear readers. I'm off to break a heart.

Another Saturday Night...

For the first time in God knows how long - I stayed home on a Saturday night. No date, no going out with friends, nothing.

And I enjoyed it. I have re-acquainted myself with a long lost love - old movies. Last night I hunkered down with A Star is Born with Judy Garland. I went to bed at 11pm. I slept like a baby.

I woke up this morning and checked out my schedule for the week. Gasp! Except for one evening it is totally clear. And I was relieved to see that.

I hesitate to call it this early but, I think I might be settling down a bit. And it feels good.

I am comfortable in my life. I have a great job, great charitable work, great friends. I am happy with how I look. I am happy with how I feel.

I am on my way out for a run. Things are looking up.

Take care, dear readers.

Wait!

Wait! What is this I'm feeling? I migth actually be *gasp* HAPPY!

Progress

First off, let me say the George Michael concert was everything that I thought it would be. He was a smart man, played all his hits, and I knew every song. I danced, I sang, for those of you who know me I did my famous hair fling (a lot), shook my ass, all in all had a great time.

Now on to my personal progress. Despite how bad I've felt and how sad I've been - I've really kept my drinking in check. I'm proud of that. In the past concerts have generally been an excuse for me to get drunk - I think I've moved beyond that and that makes me feel good.

Next - food. Again, considering my depression my diet has been pretty darned good. I've had salads for lunch, chicken breast for dinner. Generally just eating like a normal person instead of pigging out. I haven't had Moe's in a nearly a month (though I did have it at my party I didn't eat much and it isn't the same anyway).

The other issue I have is money. I'm not going to say I've been perfect with that. Owning a new home is just an opportunity to spend more and more and more and more. But I am making it, paying my mortgage and my bills and haven't cramped my lifestyle any.

On being alone: I'm happy when I come home. I love my house. I love that it is all mine. I love that it is my little haven. I don't think of it as a prison and I don't resent the quiet time I spend here. In fact, I long for a little more quiet time. Next week looks pretty good.

So by my count - I have won the battle this week 3.5 - 1.5 (I think I only half won the S battle and I probably lost the money one, too). All in all a good week.

What's coming up:

August presents some interesting opportunities for growth for me.

1) My alone vacation is in August. I am curious to see how that plays out. It is a great opportunity for me to really spend some time with myself. I hope I don't get sick of me!

2) I am allowed to speak to S again. And his birthday falls in August. So he will be on my mind a lot (as if he isn't already). It's a landmark birthday and I so wish I could help him celebrate.

3) I am not going to see A very much. He goes to Europe for a week to compete in a duathlon in Belgium for the US triathlon team (or something like that). After he returns I leave for my vacation (he is house sitting), then the week after he goes to Nashville to stay with a "friend." This will be interesting because I am really sitting on the fence about where this "relationship"(?) is going. August should give me a clue. I'm either going to miss him a ton or I'm not. Either way it is going to tell me something and there will probably be some kind of discussion come September. Though I do want to make clear that I am not interested in getting "serious" with A any time soon - I just need to decide where this headed. And nowhere may very well be the answer.

Take care dear readers, I'm beating my demons one at a time.

EUPHORIA!!!!!!!

Today is like Christmas, my birthday, New Years Eve and the start of college football season all wrapped into one! Nothing can possibly bring me down today.

Why you may ask?

Because I'm going to see George Michael in concert tonight! And I am sooooooooo excited! I can't help it!

Take care, dear readers! For today, I'm euphoric!

Success?

How do you measure success in an endavor like mine? Do you measure it in tears not cried? Good decisions made? Contented evenings spent at home alone?

By any measure last night was a success, though it started out looking like a failure. First off, I had planned to visit Pete the spin instructor last night. However, the weight of the day got to me and all I wanted to do was go home, open a bottle of wine and enjoy my back porch.

I did not do that. What I did was go home and take a nap. Then I went to publix to buy some junk food (if I wasn't going to drink I might as well eat, right?). I did buy junk food, but didn't end up eating it.

Divine intervention stepped in and the power went out. I could have gone back to the wine/back porch plan. I didn't. I put on workout clothes and went to the gym. Then I stopped by Chipotle on the way home and got a burrito (no chips).

So, count one for me - good decision made - on the no drinking, working out, eating healthier part.

At the gym I heard a song that always brings me to tears. It is ironically entitled "Last Tears" and it is by the Indigo Girls (there is a version on youtube - I highly recommend you check it out). It is a song about getting over someone. I listen to it nearly every day as a reminder to stop crying, but all it does is make me cry more. Go figure. Anyway, last night at the gym it came on my ipod. I didn't fast forward. I listened to it, felt it. But didn't cry.

Count two for me - tears not cried.

After the gym, the meal, I settled in on the couch for the evening (it was 8pm after all). I got sucked into the movie "Auntie Mame." What fun that movie was. I really enjoyed myself. I went to bed around 11pm and fell fast asleep.

Count three for me - contented evening spent alone.

This is not to say there will not be set backs. There will be. But for yesterday, I won.

I beat my fear of aloneness by a score of 3 - 0.

Take care, dear readers. I'll be kicking ass one day at a time.

Alone as a Permanent Prospect

I have mentioned this before, but it bears repeating. The last time I grappled with being alone, I wasn't really alone. S and I had broken up but I was certain that we would get back together. That made it easier.



Many things have happened with this break up that make it very clear to me that this time it is for a very long time, if not forever.



The biggest difference - he has moved out of state. I remember the day he got his job (there is a blog entry on that, too) and how happy I was for him. But the flip side of that was that I was devastated personally. I knew he was going to move and that would be it. I might never see him again. And the idea of never seeing him again scared me. I now realize that the reason it scared me so much was that it meant that this aloneness might be a permanent prospect. My fear caused me to overreact, cling, manipulate - do anything to make him see me one last time.



Every once in a while my rational self would make an appearance. My rational self was the one that cancelled dinner plans knowing that seeing S would do nothing but hurt me. It might give me hope - and I'd cling to that hope for months just to avoid my fear of being alone, my fear that this aloneness might be permanent.



Yesterday my rational self took a huge step forward. I told S that I would not be talking (or more specifically, emailing) to him for the next two weeks. Talking to him is distracting to me and my quest to get comfortable in my new position - woman alone (permanently).

So tonight is my one of my first steps. Tonight (like Sunday actually) I have no plans. It is just me, my house, my cats and my fears. We'll all sit together and I'm willing to bet that I find that my fears are not nearly as scary as I think they are. That I'm much stronger than I think I am. And that my cats are just as annoying as I think they are. (It is hard to come to grips with being alone when there is always someone - Stormy - leaning on you in bed!).

Take care, dear readers.

What Has Happened To Us?

Tonight I was playing supportive girlfriend, which is hilarious considering what a fucked up mess I am.

I was sitting across from my friend. A beautiful, effervescent woman. Self-confident, interesting, intelligent, educated. She is upset with her boyfriend of nearly two years who does not seem to be interested in committing. And she looks at me, tears welling up in her eyes and asks me, "what is wrong with me? I'm smart, pretty, own my own home, keep a clean house, cook well, enjoy football - what is wrong with me?"

And, honestly, there is nothing wrong with her. Not a thing. Why do we heap this responsibility on ourselves? A man doesn't want to be with us - it's our fault. We're smart women. What the hell?

I tried to reassure her that she deserves more (she does) and that there is more out there for her (there is).

The irony is that I'm a broken mess myself. My pain is so real, so physical, I swear there are scabs on my heart. I have never hurt so much or been so afraid. So afraid of letting someone in, so afraid of feeling anything, so afraid of being alone with my thoughts. The ones I reassured my friend are not true (and they are not - not for her, nor for me). But they creep around. And scare me. And tell me I'm not good enough, will never be good enough.

And it's that fucking hole. The one I can't fill. The one I can't get anyone else to fill. The one that apparently all of us have. And none of us have learned to fill.

Oh dear God, what has happened to my generation of women?

Take care dear readers, I'm saving my generation - one woman at a time (I'll be last...)

Dead End Date

I had my third date with Michael, the actuary, on Friday night. We had reservations on Friday night at Two Urban Licks - one of my favorite restaurants in town. I could not get excited, however. Something was wrong. I had the day off and was not very responsive to his emails - he accused me of being short. Then he got here and, I don't know, he just repulsed me.

He was being clingy. When he called me beautiful he sounded insincere. I would have preferred to stay home and drink wine and listen to music by myself than go to dinner with him. But I went.

We were seated and shortly after we were seated an obvious girls night group were seated. And I was jealous. I would so much rather have been with them.

So here I am with my date, who is repulsing me. He is talking, talking, talking and all I'm hearing is J. And my skin is crawling and I'm feeling anxious and wondering how much longer I'll have to sit here. I told him I was tired, wanted to go to spin class in the morning and just wanted to go home. He acquiesced.

When he took me home he hugged me. I just wanted to run in, curl up with the tv and be done with it.

So, again, here I am at the same conclusion I come to over and over and over again. I'm done dating.

I am not seeking dates until January 1. As always if something fantastic finds me I'll not let it pass me by. But as of today, I am not looking.

My Saddest Moment

Someone asked me recently what my saddest moment was. I refused to answer. So many incredibly sad moments from the past year ran through my head.

Laying on a bed in Savannah and realizing I was never going home again.

Telling J that it was over, there was no saving our marriage.

Losing S. Both times.

But the moment that stands out in my memory is the day I realized that what was really hurting me was that my father couldn't love me. I played with the word "couldn't" there. On a particularly bad day I'll think that he never loved me. The logical extension of this in my head is that I'm unlovable.

It hurts when you realize that the pain you've been carrying your entire life is mostly attributable to the lack of one single relationship. Now, granted, it is a very formative relationship - occurring before you ever even realized it existed.

I look back at my childhood and I can't name a time where I felt love from my father. For the most part he just wasn't there. He was supposed to pick me up from dance class - he was always at least an hour late. He used us kids as pawns to make my mother happy. I remember bringing home a report card with all A's and an A minus and being criticized for it not being all A's. I remember the disapproval, the lack of interest in the plays or other extracurricular activities in which I participated.

And I internalized this feedback. In response I'd try harder. Be the perfect student, perfect daughter, making sure not to get into trouble, getting into school, getting scholarships - all to get his approval. My mother reminded me that I did as much to push my father away when I was in middle school as he did when I was younger - that might sway me to accept more responsibility but for the fact that a) all teenagers do that, b) the harm had already been done by that point and c) he's supposed to be the grown up.

My entire life I have been chasing for approval from someone (dad, boyfriends, husband) who is unwilling or unable to give me the approval I am seeking. Sometimes it is because the person from whom I am seeking the approval is, similar to my father, simply unable to give it. Sometimes it is because I seek too much and the hole is too deep for anyone (but me) to fill. And I don't know how to fill it because I am busy trying to be everything for everyone else.

I am never going to be happy until I can get through this one, singular issue. As they say in therapy (or self help books) - the only way to get over anything is to go through it. So I'm dropping the anger towards my father and shifting into dealing with all the hurt.

It wasn't fair. I deserved a father that loved me and adored me and thought I was the coolest thing ever. But I didn't get that. And it was not my fault. I didn't do anything wrong. I was totally worthy of having a fantastic father. I just didn't get one.

And in many ways it wasn't really his fault. He did the best he could given his upbringing and background. He did all he could - it just wasn't very much.

I don't need to perpetuate this cycle of hurt. I need to figure out a way to fill the hole myself (sort of like comforting myself last night).

So , take care dear readers. I'm backfilling.

Comforting Myself

I have had an extraordinarily difficult week. Professionally I got into something just short of a shouting match with my boss. In my charitable efforts I am faced with a very difficult decision. I have had way too many dates, been up too late, haven't worked out enough, haven't slept well enough. I'm exhausted - both mentally and physically.

All I wanted to do last night was curl up with someone on the couch and watch tv. I wanted to be held, have my hair stroked, cry into someone's chest and be told that it was all going to be OK. I could have called either A or Michael (the actuary not the short one with whom I cancelled the date) and had them over to fill that role.

But something hit me. At some point I am going to have to learn to comfort myself; to hug myself; to tell myself that everything is going to be all right. So I went home, worked out, started some laundry and plopped on the couch to watch tv and relax. And you know what? Everything was all right. I had a very relaxing night and slept like a baby.

Take care, dear readers. I'll be comforting myself.